tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71358262012-01-23T23:11:02.588-05:00Thoughts and irrational thinking from the darker side of MY life... living with BiPolarDragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.comBlogger2081100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-75862701317283566562012-01-23T23:11:00.001-05:002012-01-23T23:11:02.603-05:00

I haven't gotten this down for sure yet. But it seems I am truly unhappy. No one asked my permission to change my life. I don't recognize it anymore and frankly I don't like it at all. Somewhere along the way I lost my individuality and became a family and without even wanting one I have to do everything for them and not think about myself. It's been a year. The things I love and so for

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-62754073816028990722011-12-31T01:13:00.003-05:002011-12-31T01:35:00.357-05:00

It always begins the same... the depression comes slowly, spinning slowly out of control. The anger at every little thing, the dis-satisfaction with things that would usually give me pleasure. Then there's the lack of motivation... the not wanting to cook, or clean or do laundry, but only stay in bed and mope and hide...Its all different this time. Probably because I am not depressed.I am

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-56234536626292301112011-10-22T00:39:00.002-04:002011-10-22T00:46:08.346-04:00

i didn't make dinner for the kids today... I left it to him.. I left him all the ingredients.And came home to a mess.. dishes everywhere, food still in them.. the dishwasher hasn't been emptied from the last night... so all the dirty dishes are on the counters. And to top it all off the living room smells like cigarettes smoke. I hope I am just imagining it... that something from her house just

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-61754182183770380682011-10-12T11:26:00.002-04:002011-10-12T13:10:35.027-04:00

this has been an enlightening week...my best friend told me she thinks my boyfriend is emotionally abusive.She is concerned with some of Robs behaviour... and with my change in attitude. I have become very passive and neglectful to myself and that I have to self and my mood.I feel bad that she has been that concerned. Concerned enough to call me out on it. Concerned enough that she has been in

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-23602891363692782772011-10-04T16:51:00.002-04:002011-10-04T16:53:39.006-04:00

falling deeper into the depressionnot even caring enough to stop itthe stress and the pain are more than i can bear.everything i do ends in failure.moving here was a mistake - happiness is only an illusionone ounce of happiness isn't enough to make this all worthwhile.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-20202650772267314612011-09-26T00:20:00.002-04:002011-09-26T00:35:22.511-04:00

stuff is everywhere, it clogs hallways, stairs, laundry access and lives.It is allowed freedom that persons inhabiting the "space" are denied.It collects dust and disease, it is ignored and bypasses.It is unhealthy and neglected.Its very presence is expanding - as stuff begets more stuff.This stuff begets otherwised wrongly named companions - like garbage.Garbage that should be thrown

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1862793732958864642011-09-04T01:11:00.002-04:002011-09-04T01:18:35.704-04:00

Tired of the paintired of talking about the paintired of lying about the paintired of being in paintired of the messy housetired of the cluttered housetired of the blue wallstired of the blue wall papertired of the pink bedroom and nasty bordertired of being too low on energy to d anything about the nasty paint and wallpapertired of the diettired of being docile - i want to move againtired of

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-43406692260438697342011-07-16T12:32:00.002-04:002011-07-16T12:37:18.642-04:00

I do't get asked how I am feeling anymore - the answer is always the same.I don't offer that information either. Its getting tiresome and I refuse to lie or sugar coat it.I am isolating myself from the people I love - and from the people I hate.I am bitter because he won't tell me his plans.I need some sort of action plan... something to guide me. I need to know if there is one, or what I can

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-11214484973819307832011-07-04T00:08:00.002-04:002011-07-04T00:19:06.603-04:00

I had my first run-in with the MIL today... I was so angry I was shaking. All because I asked her to drop A off here before she went to the pool... she told me the kids were crying and threatening to run away. Meanwhile, whatever A had left rotting in her closet was stinking up the whole house... its nasty. I don't know what to do.. my mind is racing and running through scenarios, and chaos... I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-2116564124232256662011-06-27T23:35:00.002-04:002011-07-16T12:36:59.563-04:00

I hate this feeling of helplessness, this knowing the result of not getting a handle on the depression and the inability to fight any longer. I have the sinking suspicion that people just don't believe that I am hurting because I keep going. I keep functioning where they would be on their asses in bed from the pain... they don't grasp that the more I do and the busier I am the less I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-9972394111457447122011-06-23T23:48:00.004-04:002011-07-16T12:36:59.568-04:00

I have been trying not to swear... it is the only things I can do, as everything I interact with makes me angry. So angry O want to scream and spew expletives at the top of my lungs... and having kids around means the language must be a G rating!The feelings I am experiencing right now:FrustrationAngerAloneCrazyHeart-brokenDisinterestDONE...I am done, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-47038054839029512672011-06-07T20:46:00.002-04:002011-07-16T12:36:59.574-04:00

Well, it certainly feels like it anyway.My mood is shit, I am bitter and ready to scream and fight, but not argue. I am so full of negativity that it is spilling out of me uncontrollably. I am disgruntled and sad, and powerless over my self, my pain and my mood. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth and sadly that is out of my control. I am so adamantly sticking to this

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-64178225946955868532011-06-01T19:33:00.003-04:002011-07-16T12:36:59.578-04:00

I don't know why I feel this way, and why I can't break the cycle... I want food. All sorts of food. I want that comfort feeling I could get... feeling full inside and feeling comforted outside. There is nothing on this diet that can do that for me...I don't know why the deaths of 2 people who aren't my family are affecting me so much. I feel relief that they are no longer suffering, and that

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-74890108246624330092011-05-17T14:44:00.002-04:002011-05-17T15:03:39.582-04:00

Sometimes the things I say freak me out...R's father-in-law is dying... the doctors early last week gave him days or maybe weeks... We called his only living daughter and she came down here... she was trying to figure out how much time she had before her dad passed... and I listened to my gut and said "Tuesday". Today is Tuesday... we got the call that her dad is unresponsive. They want everyone

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-18195376300517314202011-04-22T13:16:00.003-04:002011-04-22T13:31:22.033-04:00

its always the same old thing...the pain, the discomfort, the solitude because of the pain and discomfort.i would give anything to be free of this vicious cycle.which is why the visit with the neurologist was so frustrating. Him saying he feels for me and understands just isn't enough of a solution for me. i wanted to wring his neck, but all i could do was cry. he is not being proactive enough

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-74717850921214486282011-04-06T19:11:00.002-04:002011-04-06T19:20:56.833-04:00

this migraine has plunged me into a darkness that seems inescapable. i have exceeded my tolerance level for pain and my emotions are paying the price. my soul is suffering, i am once again in a dark place but this time i am fighting with everything that i have.i called in help early... i am off of work and i am starting to write again. i have to get this under control early and quickly. i do not

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-87139514345289322022011-03-03T23:04:00.002-05:002011-03-03T23:37:16.844-05:00

I am absolutely positive that my mood is stable... I just find myself in a new life, with more responsibility than I feel I am capable of.. and someone who doesn't seem to understand that I can't do everything myself. I said to a work friend today that I like the kids - but I don't like being a parent... I hate having to tell them what to do, when to do it and making them do it. I have a hard

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-79726305059908494592010-08-08T11:42:00.002-04:002011-07-16T12:36:59.583-04:00

i miss being alone. i love R. i really do. My heart aches for him and his embrace. I am enjoying spending time with him, learning about him and learning about myself. I am learning that i need my alone time. that for me to maintain the semblance of being human i need to be alone, reflect and just be me. I am allowing myself to be led through life by him. My schedule and needs are put think it's

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-24769123548368174402010-08-04T16:18:00.003-04:002010-08-04T16:44:48.531-04:00

its like a never-ending freaking saga, not even epic, just never-ending. First my stomach, so I went for an ultrasound and x-ray. Showed yes, I have acid reflux...also a weird spot on my liver. So off for a CT scan. It showed there is a spot, but what it is is inconclusive. so I am being sent for an MRI. which isn't why i am freaking out.. it's that i got the call for the appointment this morning

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-91300474118104483512010-07-25T13:41:00.003-04:002010-07-25T13:43:57.480-04:00

... just say what's on my mind.... tell him that i am not ok. I have to believe that he will still love me.... just quit my stupid job and find something else to do.... win the lottery. stupid to think it would happen, but it would make life easier.... remember to take the time for me, without waiting til i am at my breaking point.... tell him i hate his house.... just be cool, not overheated,

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-49153087439566210192010-05-30T10:55:00.004-04:002010-05-30T11:16:11.140-04:00

If I tell myself I am not going crazy does it make it true? I am filled with self-doubt, and the doubt weights on me.For years I have labelled myself as unlovable... I know I wasn't really in love with J. I wanted to be in love so badly I stayed hoping it would come. Now I am in love with R and it is a completely different feeling... so all consuming and amazing. I question if I am worthy of

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-82194272423204639262010-05-17T13:10:00.004-04:002010-05-17T13:21:12.952-04:00

This has been bothering me for a while.. and I can't figure out how to rectify the situation.But first- the history.Becca and I became friends in 1994. The year I turned 20 (actually on my 20Th birthday). Before me, Becca had her sister D and her BFF Trudy.Robyn was born April 1993.Becca's priority was her daughter.D was being a typical teen... fighting with parents, arguing, getting into

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-10658247082583147372010-03-15T10:44:00.002-04:002010-03-15T10:50:15.094-04:00

telling Melissa that I stopped taking my meds has made her stop talking to me. I havne't even told her about Rob.She didn't answer my text yet...It's all big secret. part of me wishes I had lied and not told her anything.Lisa doesn't even know the whole thing. she thinks I am half on my meds...I need to make a Dr's appt and get into a psychiatrist I doubt that Dr. T is ever coming back. that

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-20655477470735193252010-03-12T15:36:00.002-05:002010-03-12T15:46:05.698-05:00

I have finally given up.The medication - though great at keeping me stable has also been keeping me form enjoying life. Things aren't fun.. Stress is still stress, annoying people are still annoying people.Upon returning home from my first diving trip away I stopped taking my pills... i sort of slowly came off the seroquel but not being able to keep track of my daily pills am not really sure what

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-25778707678029760382009-10-11T12:11:00.004-04:002009-10-11T12:25:28.395-04:00

When I returned back to work, I was accommodated for start times no later than 3pm. Since I returned another associate has the same note.A fellow associate went to the office and complained saying that because 2 cashiers have all the 3pm starts that no one else would get and early out.I was then approached by the shift supervisor and told that I would only be eligible for an early out on my

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-25554318757992260252009-10-03T11:49:00.002-04:002009-10-03T11:56:28.771-04:00

It's starting again.that dark time of year. Where all I want to do is hibernate: sleep all day, stay warm and cozy in bed and hide from the rest of the world. I hate it.more than I can express.Dr T isn't back yet. It's been 10 months since she went on leave.10 months is a long time. I want to come off the medication, so I can purge my body, purify and actually have a chance at losing weight.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-6314837552181843512009-05-05T00:38:00.002-04:002009-05-05T00:42:15.197-04:00

I have been thinking constantly about what she said. I was told to start the process and find the positives about me... those truths that validate me, that make the bad things lies.Like... I am unloveable becomes I have many friends who love me, so I am loveable.I will be alone forever becomes Forever is a really long time, and I am not alone I have the cats.I suck at this... it is really hard

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-74580110804725252982009-04-07T16:55:00.002-04:002009-04-07T17:01:00.795-04:00

I wish I had the kind of parents I could go to when I needed help. Ones that offered moral and financial support with every new step I take as an adult.Of course wishful thinking is all I have. Parents who were emotionally and financially unavailable throughout my childhood cannot be expected to change as I carry on into adulthood.So where do I turn... can't be grandparents don't have any...

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-25565397570592673452008-12-08T13:37:00.003-05:002008-12-08T13:46:33.697-05:00

I can't believe it's been half a year since I blogged... so very sorry! Writing is supposed to be my muse.. my release. I don't even think I have picked up my journal in months. I think that is what disappoints me the most.So.. here's the lowdown!I got reviewed by Canada Revenue service in August. They wanted proof of my rent. Had to get the landlord to sign a note saying that yes.. I live

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-49439711301013696382008-07-13T13:07:00.001-04:002008-07-13T13:41:08.054-04:00

So, Edmonton, Alberta... not that impressive I think.First the GPS has no idea where anything is... it's really annoying. Either my brother didn't update it probably, or it's just plain stupid!FF was sick and didn't come to Edmonton... that made me sad. She hasn't called though, nor has her boy, and I am kind of disappointed in that.So far this trip I have walked into a tepee and scraped my leg.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-26427515344511983462008-05-19T13:07:00.002-04:002008-05-19T13:19:16.024-04:00

Does anyone blog daily anymore?I mean it used to be a little community and it feels like everyone has abadoned it. Of course I am guilty of the same thing, and know that I wish my mind was clear and the thoughts flowed as freely as before. Have we all run out of original things to say?I know I have.I think I have run away from me. I have no idea who I am and no inclination in finding out. I'm

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-5505912706381076832008-04-26T16:58:00.002-04:002008-04-26T17:10:12.694-04:00

i think sadness and loneliness are the same thing.most of the time.i know i feel sad, i have many things that cause that emotion.i know i am lonely, i can sense the difference when i am hanging out with a friend or alone in my apartment.i think a person can be lost in more ways than one.geographically - that's a given and the easiest to solve if you have the balls to ask someone for

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-73770401905543504992008-01-27T23:25:00.000-05:002008-01-27T23:45:56.971-05:00

There's something to be said for friendship. My friends care,and some take the time to understand what I am going through.Today it really hit home the differences in personalities between myself and my friends. One will give all of herself to ensure someone else's happiness, often to the detriment of herself.The other believes that negative actions mean negative repercussions. If someone hurts or

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-68194248134545682092008-01-25T23:59:00.000-05:002008-01-26T00:10:42.914-05:00

I am a horrible person.NO, that's not right, I am a completely selfish person who will do things only for my own benefit and knowingly hurt others.George is leaving tomorrow, I am putting him up for adoption. They are coming to get him and remove him from my unrelenting mood swings forever.My Mother was going to take him for a couple of weeks, but this morning my Aunt (who owns the house) was

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-14385817398972958362008-01-20T18:53:00.000-05:002008-01-20T19:08:25.977-05:00

Today is the worst day I have had in the 7 years since she died.HELL... seven years - or is it 8, she died May 1, 2000.I am crying so hard there are tears pooling on the keyboard. The sadness is overwhelming. I doubt sleep would help at this point.I keep feeling it in my chest. The loneliness, the sorrow the emptiness that her mere presence brought to my life. I have been on the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-48741607679667036712008-01-03T19:02:00.001-05:002008-01-03T19:24:23.748-05:00

I find it interesting that I haen't been writing. It's supposed to be therapy for me. But as it turns out I have absolutey nothing to say. The things that I wonder about are the same things I have questioned for years. The obvious "Will I ever get my weight under control?" "Is there a medication out there that will stabalize me, and how long till we find it?" "what am I going to do if I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-50889701043004551622007-11-07T20:08:00.000-05:002007-11-07T20:17:12.056-05:00

My doctor told me to avoid contact with people so as to not lose anymore friends. She told me that I am not allowed to make new friends or do anything permanent to my body.I am still angry and easily aggravated. I hope this medication is the one that actually works. It's hard to talk to friends when they really don't get it, they won't tell me when I have said something inappropriate, or have

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-40329479002641457812007-11-06T16:41:00.000-05:002007-11-06T16:53:19.554-05:00

It's been interesting to say he least.This crossover from one medication to the other.The side effects are just ridiculous.Right now I am ready to kill, maim, or destroy anything that irks me in any way.Nothing is safe, nothing is too innocent.I sit on the couch... and I hate it. I can picture myself taking a hacksaw to it and sending it to cushion heaven. The computer, with it's annoying

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-75063993905151434362007-10-03T08:39:00.000-04:002007-10-03T08:59:06.818-04:00

I'm supposed to start journaling again. Journaling is good for the soul, an excellent means of tracking moods - blah blah blah.It also means being honest with myself. And that is something I really don't want to do because the harsh realities are utterly and wholly depressing.In 3 days it will have been 11 months since I last worked (thanks God for insurance). In that time the only thing that

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-41083429462448465142007-08-19T11:31:00.000-04:002007-08-19T11:33:37.346-04:00

I have to admit to being a little sad. I mean, my best friend moved to Calgary, and I am now left with friends from work who sometimes don't get me.I'm not worried, I can get along fine on my own.I'm just going to miss my friend.I will talk to her, that's for sure. But seeing her is a whole other story.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-50129441832249917072007-06-19T20:23:00.001-04:002007-06-19T20:25:23.322-04:00

I haven't been writing at all.I don't know why - other than I feel so empty all the time.But I continue to play with this game of life.Basically - I'm pissed I've gained so much weight back, and that I have no self-control when it comes to food. It's not like I don't know what or how to eat, I just crave bad food all the time. The medication does that - my self-esteem does the rest.I learned

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-38211218617559384532007-05-09T09:08:00.000-04:002007-05-09T09:13:59.405-04:00

I did my taxes in February. Netfiled my return and everything. In March I recieved a notice of preassessment because of my tuition.I mailed in the necessary forms.and waited...and waited...and waited...and waited...It is now May 9th.And after numerous times trying to get through to Revenue Canada they tell me my preassessment has just been recieved and processed and the tuition has been denied.I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-41923904060077726592007-04-30T09:05:00.000-04:002007-04-30T09:06:58.864-04:00

Seven years.I can’t believe it has been seven years.And it still hurts.The search for friendship is a hard one - but ours came so naturally. We considered ourselves soul mates, and shared everything.Her illness was the most devastating thing I can imagine - she was so beautiful and her daughter so young. It was a tragedy of a Shakespearean kind. (without the genocide, or matricide - there was

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-29433928346811075102007-04-26T13:29:00.000-04:002007-04-26T13:41:38.154-04:00

Sometimes we all do things simply because of the desired consequences. Like eating more fibre... you know what the effect is.Well.. my stomach has been ... well ... brutal. Bloated, painful, the essence of IBS that I am periodically plagued with.I am eating my veggie soup, and my oatmeal with extra fibre in the morning... but it just gets worse and worse.So yesterday I did the one thing that

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-74130394931795254532007-04-03T22:45:00.000-04:002007-04-03T22:51:13.411-04:00

I am sitting here, watching the stupid movie about Prince William on the Women's Network (why? no bloody idea) and suddenly my heart is racing, my chest feels like it's going to explode and my entire body is numb. There's also the lovely feeling that my skin is going to jump off of my body (such an unattractive thought). I have tried my breathing - but my lungs won't expand and my stomach is

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-69000547488307867842007-04-03T13:17:00.000-04:002007-04-03T13:37:18.914-04:00

I certainly don't.My life has become a blur from one day to the next.I have no inclination to do anything, see anyone, leave my house or be the magnificent creature that my friends believe me to be.One friend is still not speaking to me.I get the occasional forwarded e-mail.I worry about Phoenix - that I can't help her and be there in the same way that she has been here for me.I am afraid that

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-10269733384374246002007-03-15T13:45:00.000-04:002007-03-15T13:47:21.491-04:00

Just a warning!Being my friend can cause pain, heartache, disappointment and the tendency to want to murder me.I am giving everyone the choice to maintain contact and friendship with me or walk away now.Be advised that I have foot in mouth disease.I have been known to be both selfish and selfless.I am moody and irritable.I will burden you insatiably.And I am a complete and total fool.I guess I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-86482317156879578062007-03-10T10:48:00.000-05:002007-03-10T10:51:01.189-05:00

I hate Beta Blogger...I have to sign in under someone elses blog - then search for a blog that has a "get your own blog" window...It's freaking ridiculous.The good thing is that I write my blogs on works, then cut and paste or by the time I get into this stupid system I would have forgotten everything.I am thinking it is time to switch to another blogging system - maybe MySpace will get used more

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-5072220123780646752007-02-14T14:09:00.000-05:002007-02-14T14:10:03.971-05:00

Actions have consequences.Not keeping your word has consequences as well.There is nothing worse than being disappointed in someone. The fact that in a small or large way that person has left a negative impression on your life.Of course these actions are forgivable.To Forgive is divine, remember.Yet, what do you do when the disappointments come repeatedly and the forgiveness is harder to find

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-19684814276737748822007-02-09T07:47:00.000-05:002007-02-10T07:45:35.247-05:00

I’ve been bad before… I mean I have been really bad.Maybe yesterday was just one of those emotionally stressful days and the power of it all was just too much for me to bear.I think about my life and wonder where I am going to fit in. Where I will find a place that is so calming and relaxing I won’t have to deal with the unexpected overwhelming emotions that take over my brain.Last night was the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-12719597375821158362007-01-21T22:04:00.000-05:002007-01-21T22:11:17.188-05:00

It was Bec's Birthday yesterday.I really miss her.And to "celebrate" my friend M and I went out for dinner.She let me reminice about Bec. And afterwards, she came in and we played cards for a couple of hours.Bec and I used to play Gin Rummy all the time, we would sit and play and chat all day. It was fantastic.M will play with me too, and I thanked her for playing with me yesterday just

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-35705026034595895742007-01-19T16:47:00.000-05:002007-01-19T16:48:33.837-05:00

There are some things that make me question other peoples sanity over my own. I know I have moments where I lack proper judgement and morals, I understand that “some” of the decisions I make are made during times of emotional weakness and well… lack of … um … well, it’s cause of the bipolar - sometimes I just have no clue what the hell I am doing (until later) when I have to deal with the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-2775729775005904492007-01-11T09:46:00.000-05:002007-01-11T09:53:40.765-05:00

It's fascinating what you will and won't do when you are sick.I spent yesterday trying to maintain consciousness for an hour but failing miserably.Hell... I slept all night - and am still tired, but at least my stomach seems better today.Now comes the fun part - catching up on all the crap I should have gotten done yesterday, because I did nothing.I have weird dreams when I am sick - OK I have

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-60969626607725965692007-01-09T20:10:00.000-05:002007-01-09T20:12:45.000-05:00

I feel like I have been emotionally raped. And I’m still in shock. I mean I went to the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) specialist this morning for an assessment, basically to see whether or not I am a good candidate for this type of therapy. The questions were simple enough, based on the symptoms of anxiety, when my last major attack was, how I feel about specific things, my fears and worries,

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1167617121180461002006-12-31T21:04:00.000-05:002006-12-31T21:05:21.196-05:00

I haven’t written anything of substance in years. I mean everything happens in my head but as soon as I try to write it down, or type it out the words disappear, the thoughts become a jumbled mess or they disappear entirely. I guess that’s what happens when depression takes over the synapses of your brain. Or maybe it’s all the damn drugs.It’s disappointing really. I want to write and I want

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1167526765770015512006-12-30T19:53:00.000-05:002006-12-30T19:59:25.786-05:00

I know I have a tendency to exaggerate, but this is ridiculous.I mean really!I have a bladder infection of the worst kind. The doctor gave me the biggest effing pills ever... the ones we classify as horse pills. The first time I took one I almost choked. Freakin huge.And I have a clod too... damn nieces, bringing home germs and sharing them... Basically I feel like crap.Leaving my brothers

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1167508603491235732006-12-30T14:53:00.000-05:002006-12-30T14:56:43.506-05:00

WellI survived Christmas with the family.My Dad called and said he wants to come visit with his girlfriend.And I am still in a negative mood.I don't know why I can't beat this.Or why it isn't getting better.I could ignore everyone all the time.I don't want to go out.I don't want to see anyone.And I don't feel like writing.It's nice and quiet here.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1167149683704464632006-12-26T11:10:00.000-05:002006-12-26T11:14:43.720-05:00

There's only so much that I can take.The excitement and business of a family and a family is my own is too much. I spent most of yesterday having an anxiety attack of sorts. I couldn't stand to be around anyone and I needed some alone time. Sleep doesn't count as alone time.Christmas day is a bad day to need to "avoid" everyone. It's a little embarrassing, and it's hard to deal with

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1165677139230398552006-12-09T09:58:00.000-05:002006-12-09T10:12:19.246-05:00

And I just don't think I am done.Tomorrow is the last day - unless the coating on my tongue hasn't gone away, or the flushes aren't "clear". I am absolutely annoyed with this... Yet, knowing that the benefits outweigh my annoyance.I could make a list of the foods I want to eat - but it just seems wrong.Yesterday I went out and restocked my cupboards... All those non-perishable foods that I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1165592769980039862006-12-08T10:38:00.000-05:002006-12-08T10:46:10.006-05:00

I have been doing this cleanse all along knowing that I would be on it for 10 days. Then this morning, I had the most horrible thought: What if I am not "finished" with cleansing on Sunday? How many more days am I really going to have to do?It is a scary situation for me. As much as I am glad I am on this "cleanse" and am proud of myself for sticking it out his long... I am ready for the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1165508694347566722006-12-07T11:20:00.000-05:002006-12-07T11:24:54.366-05:00

I have to admit, although I can see the effects of this cleanse now, I really want it to be over.I am tired and bored of the lemonade drink.I want vegetables... I have plans to make a veggie soup with carrots, celery, bok choy, broccoli, onions and whatever else I can think of to put in there.I just want the veggies... and it's going to be a few days after I finish the cleanse before I can have "

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1165246133962506222006-12-04T10:19:00.000-05:002006-12-04T10:28:57.466-05:00

There's a funny side effect to coming off medication that you have been on for ... well... ages. It is something like having every nerve exposed and every feeling multiplied by 4. Nothing is numb. NOTHING!Even though I am in a pretty good mood (I have my momnets of coursem but generally I am in a pretty good mood) I find that I have NO PATIENCE! NO patience for anyone with negative thoughts,

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1164579467801784972006-11-26T16:57:00.000-05:002006-11-26T17:17:49.383-05:00

It's official.. I haven't left the house in 3 days and quite frankly I am terrified to walk out the door. I don't know why/ I know that nothing is going to happen.. It is completely irrational. But the thought of leaving the house brings me to tears... And brings on anxiety. Yes... An anxiety attack, shaking, crying, tears and all the bad stuff that goes along with it.These are the times I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1164550432107731532006-11-26T09:03:00.000-05:002006-11-26T09:13:52.130-05:00

I went to bed last night in my "flu exhaustion" state. Managed to fall asleep in a position that allowed me to breath and be warm at the same time... had the crap scared out of me by Firefly when she called an hour after I had gotten into bed (although she did make me laugh so it's OK). But then...I couldn't fall back asleep. The thoughts were back... the ones that overlap, and run and run

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1164162896096941022006-11-21T21:31:00.000-05:002006-11-21T21:34:56.270-05:00

I think I'm sick again.My throat hurts A LOT.It's probably just a cold... but, bleh! who wants to be sick.On the upside... it's completly distracting me from the crap that runs through my head.Constantly.And I bought my first Christmas Present today.It's for my mom.I know she's gonna love it.Now the quest for everyone else is on.I have 1 month.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1163950714403142762006-11-19T10:25:00.000-05:002006-11-19T10:38:34.420-05:00

It's getting ridiculous.The medication I am on is making me awake...Not manic, or hyper... Just awake.I was so not tired last night I was up staring at the TV until 4am. Then I woke at 9:30 this morning. AND my mood really isn't that much better.These medications have bizarre effects on me. I'm really hot. And I don't mean HAWT... but warm hot. I went for a walk last night down by the Falls

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1163705858550269602006-11-16T14:29:00.000-05:002006-11-16T14:37:38.570-05:00

For the last couple of years I have tried to be optimistic and positive. I've not always been successful, mind you - but at least I'm trying, and putting on a brave face about it (most of the time).And then...There's just that whole "bad luck" issue. I understand, if it wasn't for bad luck I would have no luck at all, but maybe, just maybe things could go easily for me - for once.Yes - I know,

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1163431333624919852006-11-13T10:13:00.000-05:002006-11-13T10:22:13.670-05:00

These are the two most self-destructive words on the planet. We can all live our lives repeating those two words and never getting anywhere. Those two words create more questions, more anxiety, more angst.What if he still loved me?What if I didn't have a bird?What if I don't go to work today - or every again?What if I drive my car off the bridge - will anyone miss me?What if I could make it all

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1163335250116394712006-11-12T07:32:00.000-05:002006-11-12T07:40:50.136-05:00

I mean... I am supposed to be getting more sleep, catching up, but this morning I was up around 5:30am.I tried to go beck to sleep - but my mind was working too much, talking too loudly for me to ignore it. So I came into the living room and put on a movie...Then I realized I was hungry - so I made blueberry pancakes (yup - gonna pay for that later). Now I am full, and awake... and it's only 7:

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1163090622199371662006-11-09T11:35:00.000-05:002006-11-09T11:43:43.233-05:00

Sorry.. Sorry.. I couldn't resist...In college my favourite movie was the Lion King... All about the Circle of life.And my tarot Cards talk about the Story of the fool, who travels the journey of life learning life's lessons until finally he ends up right where he started.My life is like that.Nice, casual, stable...Then Chaotic and crazy and uncomfortable.. And it always swings back around to

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1162966739970925652006-11-08T01:15:00.000-05:002006-11-08T01:18:59.970-05:00

After almost a month of waiting, my appointment is tomorrow.I have taken notes. Typed them out, cause I know the relief of being in the office and seeing the doctor is just going to bring every emotion to the surface again.So.. I am ready.I don't know if I will be going to work next week. I don't know much.I just know that tomorrow I get to see my doctor.If I go to sleep I might miss tomorrow.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1162738326066852472006-11-05T09:48:00.000-05:002006-11-05T09:52:06.110-05:00

The last 5 weeks have been utter hellI am barely sleeping.. I stay in my pajamas until it’s time to get ready for work (unless a friend calls and says they want to go out)I cry on the way to work, and usually have to take an anti-anxiety pill to stop the tears and calm myself down so I can work.At work I am thinking about everything - barely aware of what I am doing, finding it hard to smile, the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1160145885235934982006-10-06T10:20:00.000-04:002006-10-06T10:44:45.356-04:00

Although, on this shift, I kind of feel like I have.I hate swing. These stupid afternoon shifts that don't get me home til after midnight or 1am... I crawl into bed, exhausted.Last night I almost fell asleep on the shuttle from the casino to the parking lot... and it's a 5 minute bus ride.I'm skipping the gym this morning... I have a couple of calls to make.And a lunch date with a friend..

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1159666850682246142006-09-30T20:10:00.000-04:002006-09-30T21:40:51.616-04:00

I can't say I am dreading changing shifts. I'm just not looking forward to it.It might be nice having the mornings to go to the gym, make dinner, have a proper lunch, shop, play with the bird. Although.. I would rather it begin after my days off instead of in the middle of my work week... It kind of makes it seem ... Um ... Dazed and confused.But I remember being on this shift before and not

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1159292413285093362006-09-26T13:27:00.000-04:002006-09-26T13:40:13.310-04:00

I was scanning through my blog list last night... And came across a post that has since made me think. It was about writing, especially with pen and paper.I commented that I do that.Yet, lately, in this depressive, and down-trodden mood that I have been in, I realize that I have barely been writing at all.Not on any of my blogs (even the one that may or may not exist), my journal (yup - the pen

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1159153335945649382006-09-24T22:32:00.000-04:002006-09-24T23:02:15.963-04:00

Looking for the positives with the whole debacle at work.Looking for the light within this depression that is casting a shadow over me.Looking for a reason to go to work.Looking for a way to help her, she is all alone.Looking for someone to help me, cause I feel all alone.I have not found the silver lining... But I'm looking.I think I'm gonna look in bed.It's quiet there...and warm.

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1158718637928135342006-09-19T20:26:00.000-04:002006-09-19T22:17:18.070-04:00

Every scenario, every if, and, or but...Every tear shed...it doesn't compare to the moment when my Doctor's receptionist looked at my at 9AM this morning and told me that she (my Doctor) wasn't coming in... until Later."Could you wait?"'Just admit me now' is the thought that hit my brain first.The tears started, the anxiety... Of course I was going to wait. I had to see her. I needed to take

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1158541301183143522006-09-17T20:07:00.000-04:002006-09-17T21:01:41.376-04:00

I've been told I can be a little dramatic, and over-whelming, especially during what might be construed as a "crisis" in my life.I've also been told that I over-react and over-analyze. There's also the over-thinking and the jumping to conclusions.I think this time... I can safely say... Even though I thought of worse case scenario - when it was presented to me, I was shocked, scared and

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1158160055272402062006-09-13T10:40:00.000-04:002006-09-13T11:07:35.453-04:00

I never blog about work.Unless it directly affects my mood, my stress level and my daily mindset.Needless to say... I'm blogging about work.Because the Shit is hitting the fan.Basically - a business if there to make money. When the profits are down, the business has to change the way it is run - and people either lose jobs or there is a restructuring.48 cashiers in my department no longer have

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1156386574516559222006-08-23T22:23:00.000-04:002006-08-23T22:29:34.533-04:00

I just been one of those days.I have wanted to stay in bed - or stay on the couch and do nothing (or play my game) because I am so damn tired.Instead I went and did some running around, picked up some groceries, and went out for sushi with my friend for her birthday.Now I am really tired... and full of sashimi and edamame!Sushi rocks... that is good... everything else is ... well...

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1154910593694960172006-08-06T20:07:00.000-04:002006-08-06T20:29:53.753-04:00

You ever just want to growl at everyone?I mean, really growl.Curl back your lips and growl. From deep down in your gut, and just let them know, in the most primal sense that they are complete imbiciles, not suitable for continued existance.Either that.. or I have to stop reading about werewolvesI guess I'm OK as long as I refrain from actual biting.Right?

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1154745387576071332006-08-04T22:01:00.000-04:002006-08-04T22:36:27.683-04:00

Remember this game... It was from ages ago. I really liked it. It's cleansing and makes everything better. Although it does make the shit hit the fan, depending on who reads the list... but I don't care anymore. So here goes! The MEME!List ten things you want to say to ten people you know, but never will for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once.1. If she was

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1154526547970315672006-08-02T09:39:00.000-04:002006-08-02T09:49:08.053-04:00

Last Night was the final night of my classe de francaise.It was the oral test and the written exam.I passed the course... whoo hoo, but I have no idea how.Then when my "teacher" said he would see me in September for level 3 I said I would not be moving on.I don't feel I have learned anything, I haven't grasped the necessary concepts to move forward and I don't feel I can speak the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1153859419584609112006-07-25T16:19:00.000-04:002006-07-25T16:30:19.603-04:00

Nothing seems to fitNothing seems to satisfyI want it alland I want nothing at allIf I could be left alone and ignored I would be happy indeedbut I crave the company of those that understand me bestThis weekI am an enigmaor an oxymoronwhichever fits

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1153372424182716082006-07-19T23:35:00.000-04:002006-07-20T01:13:44.223-04:00

Why ask if you don't want to know the answer?and if the answer isn't one you don't want to hear, why give advice that suits yourself and not the person to whom you are speaking?Why is it that the act of asking becomes a cover for pushing your own beliefs on someone else?Why can't I make sense of any of this?it's one thing to be heardit's another to listenbut if you are going to askyou have to

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1153275898517547882006-07-18T22:14:00.000-04:002006-07-18T22:24:58.533-04:00

There are things we do everyday without really thinking about it.Simple acts that are ingrained from birth, or childhood simply by training and repetition. Like recapping the toothbrush and flushing the toilet, covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Even saying God Bless you to a stranger when they do it. Canadians apologize when someone bumps into them - as they were trained to do from

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1151107768781058352006-06-23T19:43:00.000-04:002006-06-23T20:09:28.803-04:00

I'm tiredI'm tired of packingI'm tired of waitingI'm tired of living in the moldy basement from hellI'm tired from lack of decent sleepI'm tired of the crazy that I live withI'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and being nice (cause it's really hard)I'm tired of bitchingI'm just tiredAnd all I can think about is 4 more sleeps.I took Monday off work cause I am so "freakin" tired.And I have a lot to

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1150899049306117422006-06-21T10:07:00.000-04:002006-06-21T10:10:49.346-04:00

Is it too late to hire movers?or does bribing Firefly and E with sushi count?Cause I just want to be there already and not have to deal with any of this any more.I have been told that moving is the most stressful thing you will ever do.I know I have the inner strength to do this.There's reserves here somewhere.Right now.I am just ready to give up.I even called in reinforcements.I call her Mom.Yup

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1150685308809617282006-06-18T20:39:00.000-04:002006-06-18T22:59:41.963-04:00

There's something to be said for clarity...can you hear me now...good.I have been thinking about my life lately. Things I like about it.. Things I don't.Where I am, and where I would like to be.This is what I have come up with.My Home... for the last 5 years (or more) I have lived in one bad place after another. I left a great apartment (OK it was hot in the winter, and hot in the summer... but

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1150299263460218132006-06-14T11:11:00.000-04:002006-06-14T11:34:23.496-04:00

I'm just drawn that way.You know when you are in your car.and there is s song on the radio that hits a nerve, that you just loveSo you go to the store and you try to find it.And you do And you get it home and read the words and you thinks... "Damn... That's so me."Flawed Design by StabiloWhen I was a young boy I was honest and I had more self control if I was tempted I would runThen when I got

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1149648320497851592006-06-06T22:30:00.000-04:002006-06-06T22:45:20.526-04:00

How much is too much?A class where the teacher gives the homework without teaching the lesson.Is that too much?I feel lost and over burdened just in this class alone.And barely enough time to study.A move with what feels like no time as life goes on...cause I have to go to work.I choose to go to school (thinking I might just learn something).And no time to pack.And I am having a hard time finding

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1149388023229437952006-06-03T22:12:00.000-04:002006-06-03T22:27:03.256-04:00

No No No... No need to call the suicide hotline or 911 or anything like that...I have figured out that I am my own worst enemy and am pretty good at killing myself slowly and in the most horribly painful methods imaginable without even trying.And for those of you with a weak stomach or any kind of low tolerance to the grossness level - now would be a good time to skip to the comments and carry on

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1148008216105085142006-05-18T22:38:00.000-04:002006-05-18T23:10:16.133-04:00

There are a million things I need to do.And a couple of things I should get done.Instead I am sitting here, playing on-line, watching ER.Wallowing in my own self-pity.Bleh, I say, bleh...I just want to hide away and tell the world to go shove a long stick - well, you know where...I really want to write about what's going on in my head...but it's a mess in here.Just like it's a mess in my

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1147801430031797152006-05-16T13:37:00.000-04:002006-05-16T13:43:50.063-04:00

Somewhere inside this head of minethere is a creative persona mind filled with creative thoughts and ideasjust waiting to be releasedmy life seems so overwhelming that the creative juices just won't flowthe dreams are stagnant and the thoughts run dryWhen did this happen?Writing used to be so easyI could sit and put a pen to paper and write for hourssometimes it was goodsometimes nonsensicalnow

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1147399544159851072006-05-11T21:35:00.000-04:002006-05-11T22:05:44.460-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days. Waking up, things just felt a little off. I realized, it was a pajama day, a lounge day, stay in and do nothing, it's safer inside. Do nothing that can get yourself into trouble.In the afternoon I stepped outside for some fresh air... I still hadn't showered, I hadn't even gotten dressed. I decided that I could drive someone around the corner, then head to the

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1145155178498466122006-04-15T21:55:00.000-04:002006-04-15T22:39:38.560-04:00

There's so much going on right now.. I just don't know where to start.I think the black veil that was creeping over my eyes has finally lifted.I have my appetite back and am feeling much better.I have begun catching up on some restful sleep and am getting back into my normal routine... The problem is that things are all haywire because of the things I have done over the last 2 weeks.Yet I have so

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1144850979077390952006-04-12T09:48:00.000-04:002006-04-12T10:09:39.153-04:00

There are few things I detest in this world... one of them is Baby showers, the other is wedding showers...I don't know why.It might be the social gathering.It might be the stupid organized games.It could be the disgusting calorie ridden food and the being forced to wear nametags for no apparent reason and talking to the "guest of honors" great aunt about her giant boil for 20 minutes...But I

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1144723827678179032006-04-10T22:26:00.000-04:002006-04-10T23:00:59.750-04:00

My day in a nutshell...I got up and drove BC's kids to school then headed straight to aquafit. It was a good workout.I came home and searched for everything related to Shadow.Wrote a post and chatted on the phone.Shadow moved out around 1pm... I hung out with her and her new MOM for an hour, while she cuddled into my back, hid behind the TV then the couch and was basically really really sad and

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1144260635670487002006-04-05T13:51:00.000-04:002006-04-05T14:10:35.733-04:00

I have been looking for the right way to express how I have been really feeling lately - nothing has seemed appropriate. And none of my own words have been appropriate.But in Anne Rice's The Vampire Armand I found it.Something that soothed my soul.And made the calm begin.It's a prayer... Armands cry to God as he is dying, from a poison coursing through his blood, given him during a dual with a

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7135826.post-1141829736157022222006-03-08T09:41:00.000-05:002006-03-08T09:55:36.200-05:00

I love Maggie, I really do.I wanted to keep her for a couple of years after I had finished paying for her (which will be in 2007 - June I think).But with the temperament of this little car I think she will cost me a fortune after that warranty runs out, and I am destined to let her go.I just can't afford to take her into the shop every 2 weeks.Unless I find a guy between now and then who is a

Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01810912461239492074noreply@blogger.com3