Monday, March 07, 2005
Is it jealousy or something else?
I should be happy. Ecstatic really... I got two really nice e-mails this morning. The first from my sister-in-law that had ultrasound pictures of my new niece or nephew... very cute.
The second from my favourite Aunt telling me that BOTH of her daughters, my cousins, are having babies in September... within 2 weeke of eachother. These are cousins that I am older than. One is married, the other in a relationship younger than mine.
Regardless - I should be happy for them... but am not. My in-law and brother... well of course, it is their second and I know how much they want this baby... so I am happy for them.
My cousins... I am older... should I not be first!
I doubt that it is jealousy. It very well could be. This week has been so stressful and nothing is going according to the plan that was laid out and my life plan is completely off kilter... for goodness sake... I am even having nightmares about being bitched about on this blog!
I know plans are going to change and nothing is set in stone... life goes on and that there are always going to be some bumps along the way... I sometimes feel like all mine are hitting now and have been semi-consistant for the last 5 years.
The guy I want slipping away.
My best friends death and my sanity going with it.
The fight to regain what little sanity I have.
Leaving a perfecly good apartment to discover who my friends AREN'T... then getting stuck because of the almighty dollar.
Finding the right guy who has no adgenda or abvious timetable at all.
AND now this bizarre and broken apartment.
The funny thing is I don't even know if I want kids of my own and at this point in my life I know I couldn't afford one!
Why am I upset!?!
The second from my favourite Aunt telling me that BOTH of her daughters, my cousins, are having babies in September... within 2 weeke of eachother. These are cousins that I am older than. One is married, the other in a relationship younger than mine.
Regardless - I should be happy for them... but am not. My in-law and brother... well of course, it is their second and I know how much they want this baby... so I am happy for them.
My cousins... I am older... should I not be first!
I doubt that it is jealousy. It very well could be. This week has been so stressful and nothing is going according to the plan that was laid out and my life plan is completely off kilter... for goodness sake... I am even having nightmares about being bitched about on this blog!
I know plans are going to change and nothing is set in stone... life goes on and that there are always going to be some bumps along the way... I sometimes feel like all mine are hitting now and have been semi-consistant for the last 5 years.
The guy I want slipping away.
My best friends death and my sanity going with it.
The fight to regain what little sanity I have.
Leaving a perfecly good apartment to discover who my friends AREN'T... then getting stuck because of the almighty dollar.
Finding the right guy who has no adgenda or abvious timetable at all.
AND now this bizarre and broken apartment.
The funny thing is I don't even know if I want kids of my own and at this point in my life I know I couldn't afford one!
Why am I upset!?!
Dragonfly 3/07/2005 09:50:00 AM
2 Comments:
I am not going to say a negative thing at all. What you are feeling is a natural reaction and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Hey, it could be worse right? You could be Brodie. He just spent a week at the Vet's having his manhood removed. Plus, they had to go up inside his abdomen to get one of 'em. How 'bout that for some fun stuff? Oh, he is fine by the way...just a little crazier.
Poor Brodie... Unfortunately, it is the best thing for our animals... my new cat has to get that same thing done as soon as I get the cash saved up...