Tales From the Dark Side

The problem lies within me.
I hold it tightly there.
Deep within my soul.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste and a very powerful tool.
Neglecting it is not recommended.
Forgetting it's power can be harmful to the user and those the user comes in contact with.

Why didn't they mention that in the users manual?
What? you didn't get a user's manual? Surprisingly enough, neither did I!

I realize that my sleep deprivation pratter is getting a little annoying as it is al I have mentioned on this blog of late... but I am a little annoyed by it also.


Today I had a revelation.
I am being held hostage.
And am forcing myself to not be myself as a result.
I tried to do a good deed and it backfired, as sometimes happens.
As a result, I feel guilty.
I got myself in trouble and now I am paying the price and punishing myself.
I have to stop this and I am praying that the realization of this will ease my sleep problem.

I appreciate the help and kind words of everyone who has commented lately.
You are all awesome.
Really.
Thanks.

And this ends todays lack of sleep whining moment.
Which actually wasn't that bad.

I just want to know.

Last night I fell asleep at a descent hour, but then I was awake at 4:30am. And I tossed and turned after that for the next 3 hours.

I write, I clear my head. I do my breathing. I am completely exhausted.
I am seriously ready to snap.

I do not have the time for a complete and mental breakdown, but that is what I feel the next step is...

It is so bad I have lost track of days.
I was writing the 18th on everything today... and I thought it was MY Tuesday (as I have Friday/Saturday off my week end is slightly different than the rest of the worlds.) So instead of having 3 more days of work I actually have 2 then it's the weekend... so I shortened my week, but I somehow lost a day... I am pretty sure I went to work, but maybe I broke something...
Or my brain has just started shutting down out to save energy, as I clearly have none.

I'd like to sleep uninterrupted...
I'd like not to want to cry at the drop of a hat.
I'd like to be alert the whole day at work.
I'd like to not be yawning an hour into my 8 hour shift.
I'd like to get a massage from one of the guys who jokingly offer one. (bastards, teasing me like that!)
I'd like to not want to kill every person who asks me what a twoonie is... is effing money!!! SPEND IT! seriously how stupid are these people?
I'd like to smack the next person who asks me if I'm alright. (as clearly today, I am not)
I'd like to go to bed, get the right amount of sleep and not wake up exhausted...
Just this once.

When I was a little kid, I used to have nightmares whenever I got into trouble. Unfortunately that was quite often and it usually had something to do with my brother and hitting, punching, or missing curfew...

Now I have nightmares whenever I percieve that someone is angry with me, or that I have severely upset someone. Which is probably why I am overly nice to people that don't deserve it. No one likes nightmares and with an imagination like mine I have the most effed up dreams EVER!!

Needless to say, after my latest bout of Foot in Mouth disease I am completely exhausted.

I have been fighting with my low mood for a couple of weeks and have had a couple of bad dreams so I have been staying up later than usual in an attempt to really tire myself out and not be reliant on the "sleeping" medication (Yup. There is someone else I have managed to tick off and that person is no longer speaking to me, this bothers me a lot and I dwell on it constantly.) And yesterday I did it again.

Last night in an effort to avoid the nightmares I decided it would be FUN to see how long I could stay awake and therefore not have dreams at all...
A well thought out plan, if you ask me. (really?and what colour is the sky in your world DF? Sky Magneta. God, I loved that colour crayola.. they took it away you know... anyway I digress.)

THE PLAN
Stay awake until the point of exhaustion, pass out, have no dreams... then wake up early and go to therapy...but now I have spent the rest of the day fighting of tears and a headache because I am SO BLOODY TIRED...

I think tonight I will take a frickin pill and go to bed early. Punish myself... stupidest plan I ever created.

Everyone I talk to
Every e-mail I write
It all ends in someone having hurt feelings
or a friendship ending.

Seriously...
it hasn't been a good week.

Who else can I tick off?

Do you ever think about the songs on the radio? Not the music itself but the tempo and mood that song sets.

fast, medium, slow, seductive...
happy, sad, shoot my now, somebody take me to bed and do me til I can't walk...

Right now I am stuck on the station that is somewhere between depressing and comedy.

it's the sad songs that keep running through my head that completely mimic every moment in my life.

Or... idiotic stupid things are going on that only the likes of Jeff Foxworthy or Dennis Leary could possibly sing about with in accuracy.
And no... I will go into no details.
Now is not the time (or place) for details.
I just don't want too.
So stop asking.
And stop pouting.

I am trying to change the station.
I even took the Vanity Project out of the CD player. It hasn't helped.
I need some happy music.
Something I can sing too.

All I want to do is soar.
Drift through the air, float above the clouds and live the unreachable dream that I crave so dearly.

And everytime I come close to happiness, it seems that there is a raincloud their to attempt drowning me, or at least keep my grounded for another couple of months.

Walking with my Godchild this weekend, she questioned why my ex-BF wouldn't look at us when he knew we were there. She couldn't comprehend the 'broken-heart' that he might have, even though I was fine. The second time we saw him got the courage to go say hi to him herself as she realized he would not acknowledge us.
She now thinks all adults are very strange and it isn't just me.
She has no concept of relationships.
None.
Poor kid.
Now my heart aches for what she is missing as she is in a single parent family with a father who doesn't date.

There is absolutely nothing that I can do at this time to help her.
Helplessness is not something I do well.
In fact I run from it.
I bury my head beneath my pillows and hide for as long as possible.
Reality still sucks.
I loathe the real world.
I long for the clouds.
I long to fly.
I wish I were a real Dragonfly.