Tales From the Dark Side

When I returned back to work, I was accommodated for start times no later than 3pm. Since I returned another associate has the same note.
A fellow associate went to the office and complained saying that because 2 cashiers have all the 3pm starts that no one else would get and early out.
I was then approached by the shift supervisor and told that I would only be eligible for an early out on my Friday unless business demands did not allow someone with a later start to go home early.
This really didn't bother me at the time as I come to work fully expecting to be there for 8 hours. I don't take early outs as a general rule. (frankly my budget demands I work my full paycheck.
However there are times when the 8 hours is too much, back pain, exhaustion, mood sometimes makes it necessary for me to ask to go home early.
Because of the "rule" I am not given the opportunity to take an early out. I have to go to medical and request to go home, thus losing and E-day.

So yesterday... I was in a cage where there were 2 of us with a 3pm start. we both signed the EO (I was having a bad day) and when 10 pm came around (less than 1 hour left in shift) an EO was granted. to the other cashier. I felt that as we both started at the same time there should have been a draw.
there wasn't. I was forced to stay.

Like I said, normally this wouldn't bother me. I stay my shifts.
but i was in pain and once again the words said to me were "if you aren't feeling good you can go to medical and request to go home."


Yesterday was the first time I have truly cried in 6 months.
And sadly, it hasn't stopped.
i woke with a migraine at 7am, went back to sleep and am felling slightly better.
I am going to go to work anyway.

my thought for "revenge" is to start getting OT daily. Slowing down. "forgetting" to enter transactions so that when it is time to balance it takes more than 45 minutes.
If I am to be "punished" for having a medical condition then I will take full advantage of the opportunities available to me.

Of course I say that - but will never follow through. i take too much pride in my stupid job.

Labels: frustration, priviledge, revenge

It's starting again.
that dark time of year. Where all I want to do is hibernate: sleep all day, stay warm and cozy in bed and hide from the rest of the world.
I hate it.
more than I can express.

Dr T isn't back yet. It's been 10 months since she went on leave.
10 months is a long time. I want to come off the medication, so I can purge my body, purify and actually have a chance at losing weight.
It's unbelievable hard when I crave food constantly. Sadly food makes my stomack hurt. a lot!
Its not the medication, its the side effects. I can't handle the side effects any more. Mind you, there are worse things.

This is the time of year that I stop caring about myself. Driving into telephone poles seems like a viable solution. Walking home at night doesn't phase me as I don't care if I live or die.
I can't cry, becasue I can't vocalize the issues underneath the feelings.
I can't scream, cause there's nothing to cry about.

i hate this time of year.

I have been thinking constantly about what she said. I was told to start the process and find the positives about me... those truths that validate me, that make the bad things lies.

Like... I am unloveable becomes I have many friends who love me, so I am loveable.
I will be alone forever becomes Forever is a really long time, and I am not alone I have the cats.

I suck at this... it is really hard to think about the positives. It will get easier.

Honestly... I suck at this.

I wish I had the kind of parents I could go to when I needed help. Ones that offered moral and financial support with every new step I take as an adult.
Of course wishful thinking is all I have. Parents who were emotionally and financially unavailable throughout my childhood cannot be expected to change as I carry on into adulthood.
So where do I turn... can't be grandparents don't have any...
Aunts and Uncles... really, nothing can be asked of them It isn't fair or right.
Can I apply for grants or government support... of course not. BiPolar isn't a reason for help... neither is neglectful parents.
What do I do???

I wish.
I wish for some luck. A windfall of sorts.
I wish for calmness and serenity.
I wish for a clear head and a clear thoughts.
I wish for the destruction of all that is lazy, scared and wasteful in my life.
I wish for strength.
I wish to be happy and healthy with full grasp of all that I am and all that I have.

I wish...

Labels: dreams, wishes

I can't believe it's been half a year since I blogged... so very sorry! Writing is supposed to be my muse.. my release. I don't even think I have picked up my journal in months. I think that is what disappoints me the most.

So.. here's the lowdown!

I got reviewed by Canada Revenue service in August. They wanted proof of my rent. Had to get the landlord to sign a note saying that yes.. I live here and yes I pay rent...
Well lfucker got pissed off cause he wasn't claiming the income (not my problem). He freaks out and tells me it's a strict landlord tenant situation from now on... Then comes to me and asks for cash towards cable adn hydro... as if I am gonna fall for that crap!!

So I go to the bank, find out I do qualify for a mortgage, and that it would be better (in my best interest) to wait until I get my VISA's paid off...

but then shit hits the fan.. I am served with Termination of Tenancy papers must be out just after Christmas. Then an EVICTION notice for the same date.
So I find a cute little house, and make an offer. Luckily there is a program here in Ontario to helop first time home buyers. And I am lucky enough to get my down payment from that program.

The landlord has been harrassing me, my life has been hell... and I started behaving in ways that are so against my human nature that I feel shittier than ever. Leaving lights on, emptying the hot water tank, making more noise than i ever have!!!
I am a conserver... water, energy, everything.. an avid recycler and I have been playing a stupid passive aggressive game for the last 2 months. I can't handle it anymore.
So I've stopped. I am back to being me. quiet, clean, conserving me.

I just hope it isn't too late to save myself from my own guilt. Cause it's eating me up inside and I should be really happy and excited cause I just bought a house. And I am not.

Labels: guilt, housesit, landlord

So, Edmonton, Alberta... not that impressive I think.
First the GPS has no idea where anything is... it's really annoying. Either my brother didn't update it probably, or it's just plain stupid!
FF was sick and didn't come to Edmonton... that made me sad. She hasn't called though, nor has her boy, and I am kind of disappointed in that.
So far this trip I have walked into a tepee and scraped my leg... so pretty! lol
I then fell off a curb while walking inebriated and hurt the muscles in my biceps...
so, no I can't lift my arm above my shoulder.

This hotel is not the best either...
My room overlooks the DUMPSTER!!!
The first floor is 5 steps up, meaning you can't bring the trolley/cart to your door, you have to carry everything. Not easy with a 2 year old who just wants to run.
There is no continental breakfast. That's just irritating.

Dinner last night at the wedding was very disappointing for me. The salad dressing was ginger based, and I didn't like it. The chicken was stuffed with proccutto and It infused the shicken with that flavour, and I don't like proccutto.
Dessert was dark chocolate, which gives me a headache. Plus I was at a table with 3 kids, besdide another table with 3 other kids. It was stressful.
Aedric poured a glass of apple juice all over my white dress. Not cool at all!
Even the late lunch was sort of disappointing. Egg salad and sandwich meats... fresh veggies and dip.

it's been a busy vacation, a clutsy me and some really good memories!
Everything was beautiful though.

Labels: clumsy, Edmonton, wedding

Does anyone blog daily anymore?
I mean it used to be a little community and it feels like everyone has abadoned it. Of course I am guilty of the same thing, and know that I wish my mind was clear and the thoughts flowed as freely as before.
Have we all run out of original things to say?
I know I have.
I think I have run away from me. I have no idea who I am and no inclination in finding out.
I'm not suicidal... I just don't want to play anymore.

I have been watching a lot of tv. Series I love that I have on DVD. And in one episode there was a funeral. The main characters were placing roses on the coffin, to honour the deceased. And my thought was... if anyone does that at my funeral I am going to haunt them and drive them crazy for being senimental.
I hate roses. I do not think them pretty. Most flowers irritate the hell out of me.
I want to be creamated. No funeral, just a dinner... and no fuckin flowers!

That just reminded me of this story.
I went into the local Zellers store... and was blasted with the sent of potted gladiolas, lilacs and other assorted string flowers. Naturally it set off my asthma. I know I am not the only person on the planet with that affliction. But really... it was most unnecessary.
So in perfect TDG tradition I spoke up. Said it was a health concern for myself and other shoppers, and the should really move them out of the way of the door as there is no way to avoid them.
When I went in the next week... they had been moved. I was kinda proud.

and... my cat is being most annoying.

Labels: Blog, flowers, venting