Tales From the Dark Side

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Torture... I do it to myself

So HE's been on my mind. He's always on my mind really.
But this time I looked him up on Facebook. He posted pics of a new puppy on my birthday. (Yes 5 days before his birthday, but still)
And there was a comment from a girl commenting "My Minnie" followed by 4 or 5 red hearts.

So he has 2 dogs. The woman who posted that comment has at least 2 kids (from the pics)

Then I went to his YouTube.. And he's posted a pic of a little girl doing Harry Potter tricks.

So now I'm reeling... He's with someone else... Has new step kids. Dogs. Where are his own kids????

And I'm alone.
Trapped in the cycle of not being worthy. Only being good enough to throw away.
I have nothing to offer except a world of isolation and loneliness. No friends. No one I allow to be close.
A part time job, no benefits. A migraine that won't go away. And a house I hate.

My life is torture. And I do it to myself.

Dragonfly 3/16/2017 09:44:00 AM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Monday, September 05, 2016

The DarkSide Update

I write everyday, just not here. Strange, this blog used to be my daily/weekly sanity... The way I released my demons into the ethos. Now I physically write everyday, a full page in a journal. I have been doing so since December 31st. I think I've only missed 4 days in total. It helps, it really does. It does not mean, however, that I continuously work through all my deep thoughts, worries and woes. It just means I go to bed with a clear head (or at least a less cluttered head) and carry on through the day.

Single life. Well... I hate it. I am not actively looking for someone new, and have completely given up hope of R ever coming back into my life. I acknowledge that I love him, and that I said forever and I truly believe that I will always love that man. Single life is still a lonely life, especially when I am so good at keeping everyone at arms length.

And my dad died. July 21st. I wanted so desparately to be there, and instead I was an hour and a half away because B was to cowardly to talk to me. Everyone says he probably couldn't go with me there, but it still pains me that I wasn't there. I keep telling myself that it is okay, hoping I will truly believe it eventually, right now it just feels like I don't belong and didn't belong in my own family. 

And every time I have to mow my lawn the desire to sell the house and move grows exponentially. I hate it.

I can't even think of anything good right now

I am walking away from my "friends" because their negativity and energy sucking powers are too strong. My recovery time is too long when I am near them. So I avoid. If I can't find the fun then how can I spread that to all of them... I can't and it's just too heavy a burden  to loft them when I can barely lift myself.
Dragonfly 9/05/2016 03:31:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Fear?? Really??

I haven't heard from him. And I realize that I am actually afraid to contact him about anything important... He has trained me to expect a negative reaction when something important needs to be spoken about. I have a question about logistics, and I am afraid to talk to him.. I don't know how I can say or word anything that won't elicit anger in him. Why??? Was it really an abusive relationship? Did I truly become his doormat? Someone to do only his bidding even though he gave the right words to say I was making my own decisions???

I know I am away from him. I know it shouldn't matter anymore.

MY reaction, this feeling of fear and nervousness about having to talk to him is disturbing to me. 
What the hell?!

I am responding like I have suffered from this abuse my whole life. I am seriously petrified aobut having to make contact... Especially since being completely ignored when I wished him a happy birthday.
Why am I afraid?
My needing to contact him is all about money. I don't have any. I need the refund from the money I put out. To do that I need to talk to him. And I am afraid.
Dragonfly 2/20/2016 12:14:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Starting to See Regret Everywhere I Look

I see it now... The choices I have made... Not visiting my father at all after he was diagnosed... Missing out on the guy that fought, the one that talked and reminisced, the one that could pretend to be interested in what the people in his family meant and we're doing... I  regret letting my pseudo-family come first and not choosing to come see my family instead of bending over backwards for Rob, his kids and his family... They always came first...

I regret not believing that I matter, I don't believe it now. But I regret it.

I regret not walking away from Rob sooner. I lived knowing that something was off, something wasn't right for a long time and refused to accept it, I continued to believe that love would win. 

I regret going part-time, the added stress of that hasn't made my life any easier. I knew I was going to be on my own and I did it anyway.

I wish I knew how to be a better person.
I wish I could let go of all that is holding me back from being happy and carefree.
I am tired of wearing a mask and not being who I really am.
I am exhausted, especially since I have no idea who I am, not really. 

I didn't even decide what program to study in school... Wow...
I don't regret that choice... College was great. I have 1 amazing friend from college...

Just 1.

I am a loser, I don't have a posse. I don't have people I hang out with. I am easy to drop and easy to forget. Everyone finds it easiest to cut off ties with me and walk away forever.
I make everything worse. 

I see it now. I am everyone's doormat, because otherwise they walk away. As soon as I show my backbone, and stand up for myself I lose the people who CLAIM to always have my back. 
No wonder I see regrets... I see every display of strength I have ever shown being shot down with extreme repercussions... My whole life... From childhood to today, the same story, different cast and plot.

My sister - starting fights because she put her crap on my side of the room/closet and me getting grounded for fighting.
Lee - A friendship ending because I couldn't handle her fawning all over my brother, and using me to get to him (as teenagers).
Emma - bitch went crazy when I said I wouldn't drive her and her kids around anymore, haven't spoken in years.
Mel - said Rob was abusive and I wasn't looking after myself and she couldn't be around someone who REFUSED TO LOOK AFTER HERSELF when I was doing everything I was capable of doing within the limits at the time.
Lisa - told me to forget about him and find someone else - even went so far as to suggest someone for me, when I told her I wasn't ready and that I needed her to stop, she walked away.
Jared - refuses to acknowledge me years after the breakup, even though I just wanted to say hi.
Rob - refuses to speak, text, reply, call anything - because I said he was being neglectful and allowing his bully/abusive spawn to control the household.

My regrets all come from having a backbone after a period of complacency.
I see it now.

It still hurts.
Dragonfly 2/18/2016 11:30:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Thursday, January 07, 2016


It's sad that you aren't the man that you were. You are now skin and bones... With he bonus swelling of your arms. You are dying, and there is nothing that we can do about it. 

I wish I had more memories, more good times with you. I wish I could remember. I want to have those memories back, good times with you were few and far between. I don't think that you were a bad father, I believe you did the best that you could. I know that you and I are a lot alike and that we have never known how to talk to you. We were 2 strangers living in the same world. I was afraid of you, you were scary to me... Maybe it was the spanking. It's hard to say. 

Dad, you tried. I love you for that.
Dragonfly 1/07/2016 04:57:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Time for Revelations

I was spreading about the benefits of journaling... And the benefits of writing about your emotions in regards to personal growth, mental health and over-all wellness in attitude and health. Writing out your feelings regarding the things that worry you can make drastic improvements in your daily life.

And I thought - I write often, I bitch and vent, cry as I type, I write in my paper journal and the same thing happens... So here I sit thinking about the things I want to improve about my self and my life...and the list is long.

Love life: well, this saddens me, I am madly in love with someone who neither wants me, nor speaks to me. I dream about him at least once a night. I am still devasted over the loss of that love, that future, the life lost - so my goal/hope is that I can be released from that love, that pain... Because I am having a really hard time pretending I am ok with it.

Work: I want something to fill in my hours, to bring me more money. That being said, I love my job, being a banker is fun, challenging and works for me...
How do I feel about needing another job - angry, upset, annoyed.. I feel like my life is ruined, uncertain, scary... Frightened of what happened and disappointed in the way things have turned out.I question my choices, and am having a hard time accepting the fact that I had to go with the information I had at the time I made that choice. I am afraid. My future is based on so much uncertainty. 

Mental state: Well, that's questionable. I know I am struggling, but the things I am struggling with are real... Dad dying, and rob being gone. So... I am struggling, I am sad, lonely, scared and abandoned. I truly feel like I have no family left... I never see my siblings and they really don't talk to me... I have a mother I really think is a basket case. I can't trust her, I can't talk to her without it becoming an issue or common knowledge to everyone she sees and talks to... And a father who I have always been afraid of and had no idea how to talk to. So... I am alone, I truly feel abandoned and like an orphan. 

Do I write my feelings? YES.
Do I feel like I it helps? No, although it does keep me in check, it's my emotional release so that I am not constantly burdening my friends with the same bullshit... 

I don't have goals, I don't have dreams. I have worries and sadness... And I don't know how to start creating them... My goals are to not live in poverty, to have security as I age, to not have to worry about whether or not I can afford food, gas, car repairs when I need them. I want to be financially secure. That 's my goal... how do I get there. I have no idea??? 
Dragonfly 12/30/2015 06:57:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Friendship: Realities and Fantasies

Its always about me, I truly know that, the way I treat people is the way I get treated in return. I shut down, I hide from sight, and I get ignored in return. I shouldn't be surprised every time it happens, yet I am.

It is so very hard when everyone I have ever been truly close to has walked away… or worse yet, died. Those people are the ones that I was comfortable enough with to be silly and vulnerable. And now that they are gone my silliness has gone with them, I gave them my best parts and now I have nothing left.

I fear being alone forever, and that is what I am attracting.
I have forgotten how to be social.
I have no real joy left, its all gone somewhere I can't figure out where, nor how to get it back.

And I am keeping a "friend" just because she says she wants to hang out with me but she is too opinionated and doesn't just listen. She is judgmental and opinionated, and doesn't have a silly bone in her body (anymore). All that ends up happening when I see/hang out with her is that I spend more money than I have, then I get all dressed out because I have overspent. And I haven't even had a good time. Why, oh why, do I even bother…. oh yeah… because I am alone and there is no one else!

I would love to have a group of girl friends, that we all hang out, standing lunch dates, talk, cards… whatever. Its something that I have always seen on tv, and never really been a part of… I mean there was a group of us in high school.. then I found out that they only allowed me to be a part of the group at school and didn't want me around outside of school… I was deliberately left out of activities and conversations. No wonder I don't open up now….
and every attempt to get 2 separate friends together has failed miserably. So I feel like I will never be a part of a group like that, so I hide from it, why strive for what will never be…

Yet, I still want it. I always wanted to be a part of something. Something bigger than what I have had. I don't know how to get it, or do that… and I try to hold onto whatever I can… maybe that's why I haven't told S to leave me alone. Maybe that's why I can't let go of him or his family… because I had what I wanted, someone to always be with… and now that he doesn't want me anymore I am having a hard time letting go.

I want more. I need to figure out how to get there.
Dragonfly 12/27/2015 11:45:00 AM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

The Inevitability of Death

Its hard to think about it, harder to imagine it at all, the truth of the situation.

My Dad is dying. It is a conscious act now, stopping treatments, looking for hospice, the decision to go into a palliative coma until his poor, tired organs cease to function. He has fought for 2 years, and I barely saw him, my father and I were not the best communicators, he never could figure out how to engage me, and I was always terrified of him. My sister had everything under control, as she does now, I was no help… just as I will be no help now. But I go because soon, he won't be there for me to try to feed. Its not that I am not expecting it, its always been going to happen. Its that this time we have a general idea of when…

I wish he could go out with a bang… enjoying his last party, drinking too much, laughing until his sides hurt, dancing with the woman he loves… I wish there were more pictures of the good times.
Its too late for that, there is no more time.

My father is dying. It is not even a choice. It is inevitable.
Dragonfly 12/27/2015 10:55:00 AM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |