Monday, September 05, 2016
The DarkSide Update
I write everyday, just not here. Strange, this blog used to be my daily/weekly sanity... The way I released my demons into the ethos. Now I physically write everyday, a full page in a journal. I have been doing so since December 31st. I think I've only missed 4 days in total. It helps, it really does. It does not mean, however, that I continuously work through all my deep thoughts, worries and woes. It just means I go to bed with a clear head (or at least a less cluttered head) and carry on through the day.
Single life. Well... I hate it. I am not actively looking for someone new, and have completely given up hope of R ever coming back into my life. I acknowledge that I love him, and that I said forever and I truly believe that I will always love that man. Single life is still a lonely life, especially when I am so good at keeping everyone at arms length.
And my dad died. July 21st. I wanted so desparately to be there, and instead I was an hour and a half away because B was to cowardly to talk to me. Everyone says he probably couldn't go with me there, but it still pains me that I wasn't there. I keep telling myself that it is okay, hoping I will truly believe it eventually, right now it just feels like I don't belong and didn't belong in my own family.
And every time I have to mow my lawn the desire to sell the house and move grows exponentially. I hate it.
I can't even think of anything good right now
I am walking away from my "friends" because their negativity and energy sucking powers are too strong. My recovery time is too long when I am near them. So I avoid. If I can't find the fun then how can I spread that to all of them... I can't and it's just too heavy a burden to loft them when I can barely lift myself.
Dragonfly 9/05/2016 03:31:00 PM