Sunday, August 24, 2014
the ultimate bitch session
I hate complaining.
I truly do.
I find myself with so many negatives floating around that I can't think about anything else.
🔸 My Head is pounding. All the time. There is a vice grip clamped to the back of my head. It sucks. The botox hasn't made that go away. Its distressing and depressing. I really hate it.
🔸 The separation of R's sister and husband is draining my energy reserves. I feel like it is only going to get worse and I don't know if I can handle that.
🔸 B... that goddam kid. I found another homemade pipe when I did laundry Thursday... yes, another one. I hate the lying, the fighting, and the stupid ass shenanigans. That kid needs a reality check. R claims that he will be laying down the law when the kids get back from their aunts, but I don't know what that means to him. I have asked for drug testing and councelling for that boy and for R... so, we'll see.
🔸I know I am getting forced out of my job. I can feel it. I don't have the mental strength to do the things I need to do to deal with that. I need my resume updated, and I need to apply for the trillium program. I am terrified of what this change might bring. So very afraid. But everything else is holding me in a bad place, so this work crap just takes a back burner.
🔸 I feel very lazy, like I am allowing the pain to close me off from the rest of the world. I feel like I have lost my ability to fight. This worries me. The pain has taken so much away from me and now it is taking my strength. With my strength goes my happiness. It is harder and harder to find joy.
🔸 I am losing my marbles. Words get lost, thought processes are impaired, pain-induced Alzheimers plagues me. I try to make the best of it, smile at the forgetfullness and the mistakes... but it is saddening, especially since I know how smart I really am.
🔸 I am exhausted. I am not sleeping the quality, healing sleep I need. I go to bed exhausted - with full acknowledgement of how much my head really hurts: the pillow is too hard, the person beside me is breathing too loud, the cat is an obnoxious breather too, there is a lightning bold jumping around my skull, and the ringing in my ears is decidedly annoying. Lets not forget the aura - the brightness in my own eyes that negates having the lights off in the first place. Then I wake up exhausted. Wanting to stay under the covers, hiding from the light and the pain that doesn't go away but sleep escapes me. I am so tired, of it all.
All of this, and more I can't put my finger on, are driving me crazy. Crazy is bad for me. I have been there and would really like not to go back to that. I want someone to hold my hand and guide me through the things i have to do to keep my sanity. I can walk for hours if I could randomly close my eyes. Closing my eyes helps with the dizziness and pain management.
I want someone to fire off my resume for me because I am having a very hard time with the computer and the thought process required to build it myself.
I want their separation to be theirs and no one elses.
I want that boy to stay away from drugs, go to class, and stay out of trouble.
I want to go back to work, to my job that I enjoy (i think love is a strong work for that job, but I love being a cashier).
I want to sleep. And I want to wake up refreshed and pain free.
I want this migraine to go the fuck away.
Dragonfly 8/24/2014 09:24:00 AM
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Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Fighting the Good Fight
Yesterday I learned of the apparent suicide of Robin Williams and it saddens me deeply. It also makes me want to acknowledge what is really going on with me, and inside my head. I am afraid that not acknowledging it will lead me too far down the dark path th at I can't get out on my own.
I am not happy. I may even be falling deeper into the depression that has plagued me for the last 3 years. most definitely I need to speak it out loud, even if its here, where no one reads it, but it's out there for those that know me to find.
I can't handle stress. And the disolution of my R's sisters marriage is weighing too heavily on my psyche. She has insisted that R help her, and that means that I have to help too. Her husband is in the midst of a psychotic break - he is losing his shit, and that means she is all over the place. Mostly she needs people to listen as she rants and pushes her way through each hurdle.
He ruined our trip to the cottage, he made that a seriously sucky time - shortened it by 2 days, created chaos, shortened Lynda's vacation too. I haven't truly revealed how upset I am about the whole thing. There are so many things I want to say to him, but they won't make a difference.He doens't give a shit about anything but himself and what he wants.
All I wanted was to sit in the hammock and read, drink some wine (or whatever) and just be. Instead I got ultimatums, and informed that I needed to compromise. I HAD to leave on Tuesday for the sake of the family. I spent Wednesday and Thurday in relative peace, read an amazing book, enjoyed the trees, and watched the antics of the many chipmunks, had an amazing chicken dinner and even though my head was pounding and my stomach was unhappy I did manage to relax. Then Friday - it all went to Hell in a hand basket... and I wanted to go home. I wanted to run away, because i couldn't figure out how to cry, so I accepted our fate - that we had to leave early, broke the news to my friend, and left Tuesday. Stayed in a shitty cheap hotel, and ate too much crap.
I eat to fill an emotional void. I eat to bury the sad. I eat to feel comforted.
Robin Williams drank for the same reason. He battled alcohol, and he fought for sobriety. There is only so much fight in you before you find another battle. He lost.
I'm still fighting.
I don't want food to be my crutch. I can't turn to alcohol. And I LOATHE drugs. I need to find my strength in something else, like exercise that will only bring positive and will release all the negative.
But I can't let the negative win. I won't allow myself to fall victim to another round with the depression bully. Its bad enough I have a migraine bully kicking and punching and squeezing constantly. It is so hard to keep fighting wihen my thought is always I just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away, and it never does. I think I have been fooling myself into thinking I am getting better - that the botox is actually helping. It isn't.
Then there's Ben. Fucking asshole of an asshat teenager.
The anger and negativity falling off that kid is unbelievable. Its intense and scary. He's a timebomb. The explosion will be hard and devastating. He needs help, and I don't know how to help him.
Feeling helpless is ... *sigh* depressing.
Dragonfly 8/12/2014 10:15:00 AM
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