Tales From the Dark Side

I am not happy. I may even be falling deeper into the depression that has plagued me for the last 3 years.  most definitely I need to speak it out loud, even if its here, where no one reads it, but it's out there for those that know me to find.

I can't handle stress. And the disolution of my R's sisters marriage is weighing too heavily on my psyche. She has insisted that R help her, and that means that I have to help too.  Her husband is in the midst of a psychotic break - he is losing his shit, and that means she is all over the place. Mostly she needs people to listen as she rants and pushes her way through each hurdle.

He ruined our trip to the cottage, he made that a seriously sucky time - shortened it by 2 days, created chaos, shortened Lynda's vacation too.  I haven't truly revealed how upset I am about the whole thing. There are so many things I want to say to him, but they won't make a difference.He doens't give a shit about anything but himself and what he wants.

All I wanted was to sit in the hammock and read, drink some wine (or whatever) and just be.  Instead I got ultimatums, and informed that I needed to compromise.  I HAD to leave on Tuesday for the sake of the family. I spent Wednesday and Thurday in relative peace, read an amazing book, enjoyed the trees, and watched the antics of the many chipmunks, had an amazing chicken dinner and even though my head was pounding and my stomach was unhappy I did manage to relax.  Then Friday - it all went to Hell in a hand basket... and I wanted to go home.  I wanted to run away, because i couldn't figure out how to cry, so I accepted our fate - that we had to leave early, broke the news to my friend, and left Tuesday. Stayed in a shitty cheap hotel, and ate too much crap.

I eat to fill an emotional void.  I eat to bury the sad. I eat to feel comforted.

Robin Williams drank for the same reason.  He battled alcohol, and he fought for sobriety.  There is only so much fight in you before you find another battle.  He lost.

I'm still fighting.

I don't want food to be my crutch.  I can't turn to alcohol. And I LOATHE drugs.  I need to find my strength in something else, like exercise that will only bring positive and will release all the negative. 

But I can't let the negative win.  I won't allow myself to fall victim to another round with the depression bully.  Its bad enough I have a migraine bully kicking and punching and squeezing constantly.  It is so hard to keep fighting wihen my thought is always I just want it to stop.  I want the pain to go away, and it never does.  I think I have been fooling myself into thinking I am getting better - that the botox is actually helping.  It isn't.  

Then there's Ben.  Fucking asshole of an asshat teenager. 

The anger and negativity falling off that kid is unbelievable. Its intense and scary.  He's a timebomb. The explosion will be hard and devastating.  He needs help, and I don't know how to help him. 

Feeling helpless is ... *sigh* depressing.