Tales From the Dark Side

I am deep into hiding mode today. I am just staying out of everyones way, avoiding humanity at all costs. The negativity of the outside world is putting too much of a strain on my heavily burdened shoulders and I cannot bear the load.

The week has been a long and difficult one and as much as I have tried to help those in need I feel I have failed miserably. Everyone I come into contact with I either piss off, or upset. And that does not reflect the fact that I am only defending myself or trying to protect them from further harm.

I have a fatal flaw. I care too much about other people, my family and my friends.
Unfortunately I am unable to turn these feelings off... nope, not a robot... unless I am on a specific type of medication - but I am not going that route again... thanks.
The only problem with my fatal flaw is that my friends and family insist on using it against me to get what they want, when they want it. If I look back on this year alone, I can see all the things I have done to help friends and then... I can count on both hands the things that my friends have done for me...

I am not talking about little things... but MAJOR things...
I give my vacations to my god-child - Not to myself. I get the guilt trip from certain family members because I don't go see them enough - but they never come see me or even call me for that matter. And I feel guilt for it all.
The guilt consumes me.

But that is not why I am hiding.
Not today.

I just want to.
I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing again.
Even this post will piss the wrong person off and I will be on someone's shit list again (or still, depending on how you look at it).

Am I asking for forgiveness - No...
I am looking to this space as a place to vent. This is my place too document my journey through the chaos that is bipolar and later I can look back and see what I did this weekend and what was going through this crazy-ass mind of mine...
because this is what I do here.

Thanks for stopping in.

The mockery of the Justice system never ceases to amaze me. Almost 10 months ago a friend of mine called me and involved me in her and her ex-H's insane lives. Now I have been called as a witness in a case thanks to her Ex pressing charges against her boyfriend (falsely, at that).

Today was court date #3? *I have lost count*... A paid day off work for me - thanks to a wonderful benefits and compensation plan at work. But also 2.5 hours at the court house and the drive there and back...And the stressing and body aches and my poor intestines... oh my....

Needless to say... it hasn't been the best day.

Especially when the judge said that he did not have time to hear the evidence and the trial would have to be adjourned. A new date would be set - AGAIN... and we would have to come back.
I don't want to go back. I didn't want to go today. There is so much sitting and waiting, and sitting and waiting and being quiet and standing then sitting and waiting... and you have to listen to the lawyers drone on in lawyer speak about who did what and why "he" should not go to jail but only pay a fine instead. Then there is a recess - but you don't get to play, you have to go sit in the other room and wait some more because you don't know for sure how long the recess is going to be, then you have to go back into court and the lawyer doesn't show... YUP... the LAWYER was MIA. So there was another recess while they searched for him.
When they found him that's when we were told we had to come back again... sometime.

I will be subpoenaed again.
I will have to go back.
I will get another paid day off work.
I will be stressed and annoyed and anxious all over again.
I am losing my faith in the legal system.
It takes too long for an innocent man to be 'freed' of charges.
People can make false claims against other humans and the lies can continue for years. Society is filled with liars and morals mean nothing to those that live through those lies.
I am being forced to rearrange my life because one person chooses to lie.
I have to deal with the stress and anxiety that this has caused me emotionally and physically... and there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't know whether to cry, laugh, sleep, eat myself into oblivion, or walk until my legs won't move.
But crying is counterproductive and I would have to admit how much this man has caused me pain.
Laughter is the best medicine and heals all wounds, but it will get me nowhere today. Reading other blogs have helped. (sorry to those I have lurked on today - too many to mention or link too I'm afraid and I'm too lazy to look it up too.)
I've managed to eat more today than I have all week... and I have been paying for it by feeling sick all day... really... really sick... ouch my stomach. Oblivion here I come!
And walking... well it's getting late, and the last time I was outside was after court and it was pretty cold out there then. And starting to rain... again. Not really a good day for a walk.

Keeping busy has been my mantra for the afternoon. That way I don't think. Reading blogs, IMing friends and family, watched/listened to a movie and I annoyed the cat too... that's always fun.

I don't do stress well. My body doesn't like it.
Now I just want it to be over.
The sad thing is that I went to the courthouse this morning knowing that it wouldn't be done today. I knew it would be held over.
If we had gone to trial I would have had a full blown panic attack as I was unprepared for that.

That's the irony.
And I was right.

I don't know what's worse... the feeling that I want to disembowel everyone that crosses me this week. Or the lack of a good sleep.
It has been a very tiring week and I am paying for it with my mood.
Everyone is driving me bananas... it doesn't matter what they say or do I just want to wring everybodies neck. I think I should be locked in the closet with a peanut butter sandwich and not allowed out until my attitude changes (a la FireFly's Mom).

Right now I am fighting a headache and DO NOT want to go to aquafit for the first time ever.
I actually don't want to go.
I want to go to bed and not talk to anyone.

Forget that it's Thursday night and all the good TV shows are on... I just want to go to bed.

I will however force myself to go to aquafit - as I was unable to go on Tuesday.
I will veg in front of the TV when I get home and I will go to bed and wake up tomorrow with a whole new attitude...
but right now...
stay the hell out of my way...

I had a meeting at work today.
Got to meet with the big boss. He's not fat or anything - just tall. And he's the head of the entire department. He's also been MIA for the last 7 months so he wanted to be informed of al the goings on within the department and such... (he was working on "special projects")
Needless to say he had his eyes opened today.

Sometimes I am afraid that speaking my mind will lead to my suddenly being unemployed.
A friend reminded me that the company has an open door policy and that if they ask for your opinions they can't fire you.
I really want to believe her.
I don't want to be a target.

I just want to do my job. I think I am good at it. It's not that hard to talk to people and tell them about the casino. They want us to give better customer service. I can do that. But can they?
I wonder why I am the only one talking to people...

The big boss didn't know about favoritism within the department... I think he's lying. We've complained about it at other meetings over the last 8 years. How could he not know?
He claims that he will talk to the supervisors... Like that will help.
I hope the supervisors don't target me for telling... They are the guilty ones...

The meeting was 2 hours long. It was scheduled for an hour. I talked to the man for 15 minutes alone afterwards. He was well-informed of the situation after I left.
They wanted someone at the meeting who would talk and share ideas.
They sent me...

These are my fears...
It was a long day...
And a long meeting.
It took me a long time to figure out how to post them.
I am going to bed now.

The 7 scariest words in a single person's life are..."I've got the perfect guy for you." "Will you call him?" she begs. "He's really nice."
I don't know what possessed me to say yes.
But I did, and I called. And we talked for an hour and a half. We agreed to meet for coffee the next night. (Thus no blogging last night - I had plans in the real world....Sorry my friends) I pulled in to Starbucks - because I don't want him to know where I live just yet - what if he's strange? And I see the pre-described car pull in - red cavalier... And the most unattractive man EVAR sitting behind the wheel... oh my - and I put make-up on for this...

So he comes up to my car... "DF. Hi! I'm B." And he kisses my cheek.
Inside I was cringing - oh god - he touched me - ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew eeeEEEEWWWW!!!!
But we went in anyway - I mean it is Starbucks and I really did want a tea...

He is a nice guy - we had a great talk - but I can honestly say - he is not cute...kinda like a teddy bear - but I didn't want to cuddle him - ever.

I never thought I was a vane person - that I would put so much into the appearance of another person - but if I am looking at someone as a potential mate I would like to say - DAMN!!! Gimme a piece of that!!! once in a while... I mean I never though my Ex was the hottest guy ever - but he was cute... And I teased him for having no ass to speak of - but put him in a suit and I was all over that boy... Damn... See... That's how....Oh...Pardon me for a minute...

OK where was I.

I can't see it happening with B... he doesn't have the face to even come close to backing the suit up.

Just one time I would like to meet a guy whom I find absolutely sexy, who is insanely nice and who really likes me too... is that too much to ask? Really?

I thought it went pretty well. We agreed to meet at the mall, safety away from home as we've only talked on-line and at work. We went to the a couple of craft shows, talked and walked the afternoon away. Ended up back at the mall.

Thinking back I realize I may have spoken of my ex a little too much. I don't think it was anything bad... Just stupid things... "One time parking I got 2 inches from his dad's bumper - it was funny" "I can't wait until Christmas when I can get a new calendar...I want to get rid of his address and those of his friends that are taking up precious space...My life is in that book. I want him out of it." "I have this... My ex's Mom bought it for me for Christmas last year - holy she spent that much? ... I didn't think she had it in her... Good for her!!!"

But then I got home, wrote the obligatory e-mail...Had a great time... Thanks for being you... blahblah blah... And I haven't spoken to him since...

OK...
It's only been 2 days and no plans were made - but he hasn't been on-line either. What if I really did mess it up?
I forgot how to be a normal person and I can't handle this dating thing...
For crying out loud.. I can't even sleep without medication right now - my brain is running in overdrive.

I just work that way

People should have a license to leave their house. They should be required to take a written test then pass a 'road' test every 2 years following just to ensure they are up to code. If not for the the sake of the rest of humanity, but for their own personal hygiene.

deodorant should not be optional. Regardless of what nation you are from, how old you are now, or the size of boil growing on your armpit there is a spray, roll-on, natural crystal, or stick that WILL work a thousand times better than the nothing that you are using at this particular moment. AND showering daily, will not harm you in any way. In fact it should be mandatory for anyone with an odor problem such as yourself.
The fact that I can smell you from 3 feet away and your odor will linger for the next 5 minutes is indicative of the fact that you have a stench that is offensive to the rest of society. Why has no one said anything to you about this? People in my workplace have been reprimanded for smelling less offensive than you, yet you're allowed in here. The Fashion Police should be replaced by the Hygiene Police.

And what do people have against the dentist. I agree it can be unpleasant. Yet... Do I need to look at the blackness that are your teeth. AND oh my GOD... The putresence that is the fetidness emanating from your mouth. I can smell it as you breath. PLEASE don't talk to me. It makes me want to vomit, uncontrollably for the next 2 days. Then floss continuously for the REST OF MY LIFE. I seriously doubt that listerine can save you now. And if you are lucky the hygenist can clean your teeth, save them and send you one your way. But please, apologize to her for infecting her office for your ghastly smell.

I look at these people and wonder how they have managed to meet someone, get married, have kids. And yet I am single. I shower. I brush, I floss, I rinse. Seriously what am I doing wrong!?! If I start on-line dating that will be in my about me section... I am clean - smell good!!! But I digress...

Working with the public, sometimes you don't see too many of the odorous types. Lately they are out in droves... showing up in packs... I think they should be rounded up. Placed in one small enclosed room and left there to suffer their own putrescence. Naturally, they will be unable to smell it (as they are immune to their own stench) so a skunk will be thrown in for good measure (poor skunky)... If that doesn't teach them... I got nothing...

I am in too much pain to write anything eloquent or insightful... or be creative in any way.

I have a migraine.

But not the usual type.
The advil Migraine (which is all I can take thanks to my other medication) is taking the pain in my head away but not the nausea or the shaking... basically I feel like crap!!!
I have no idea what I was doing at work - whether I was actually completing transactions or not... So I admitted defeat and came home...

I closed my window. Managed to balance. Don't know how I worked so unwell...
But now I am home and going to bed...

After I eat something so I have something to throw up!

yeah me!