Saturday, October 29, 2005
Lost, but not Forgotten
I am deep into hiding mode today. I am just staying out of everyones way, avoiding humanity at all costs. The negativity of the outside world is putting too much of a strain on my heavily burdened shoulders and I cannot bear the load.
The week has been a long and difficult one and as much as I have tried to help those in need I feel I have failed miserably. Everyone I come into contact with I either piss off, or upset. And that does not reflect the fact that I am only defending myself or trying to protect them from further harm.
I have a fatal flaw. I care too much about other people, my family and my friends.
Unfortunately I am unable to turn these feelings off... nope, not a robot... unless I am on a specific type of medication - but I am not going that route again... thanks.
The only problem with my fatal flaw is that my friends and family insist on using it against me to get what they want, when they want it. If I look back on this year alone, I can see all the things I have done to help friends and then... I can count on both hands the things that my friends have done for me...
I am not talking about little things... but MAJOR things...
I give my vacations to my god-child - Not to myself. I get the guilt trip from certain family members because I don't go see them enough - but they never come see me or even call me for that matter. And I feel guilt for it all.
The guilt consumes me.
But that is not why I am hiding.
Not today.
I just want to.
I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing again.
Even this post will piss the wrong person off and I will be on someone's shit list again (or still, depending on how you look at it).
Am I asking for forgiveness - No...
I am looking to this space as a place to vent. This is my place too document my journey through the chaos that is bipolar and later I can look back and see what I did this weekend and what was going through this crazy-ass mind of mine...
because this is what I do here.
Thanks for stopping in.
The week has been a long and difficult one and as much as I have tried to help those in need I feel I have failed miserably. Everyone I come into contact with I either piss off, or upset. And that does not reflect the fact that I am only defending myself or trying to protect them from further harm.
I have a fatal flaw. I care too much about other people, my family and my friends.
Unfortunately I am unable to turn these feelings off... nope, not a robot... unless I am on a specific type of medication - but I am not going that route again... thanks.
The only problem with my fatal flaw is that my friends and family insist on using it against me to get what they want, when they want it. If I look back on this year alone, I can see all the things I have done to help friends and then... I can count on both hands the things that my friends have done for me...
I am not talking about little things... but MAJOR things...
I give my vacations to my god-child - Not to myself. I get the guilt trip from certain family members because I don't go see them enough - but they never come see me or even call me for that matter. And I feel guilt for it all.
The guilt consumes me.
But that is not why I am hiding.
Not today.
I just want to.
I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing again.
Even this post will piss the wrong person off and I will be on someone's shit list again (or still, depending on how you look at it).
Am I asking for forgiveness - No...
I am looking to this space as a place to vent. This is my place too document my journey through the chaos that is bipolar and later I can look back and see what I did this weekend and what was going through this crazy-ass mind of mine...
because this is what I do here.
Thanks for stopping in.
Dragonfly 10/29/2005 03:47:00 PM
7 Comments:
Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel about family and friends.
I have the same problem.
*hug again*
I have the same problem.
*hug again*
Thanks VG.
ditto to vegasgustan...
currently my house has been invaded by my mom and stepdad... and i haven't the heart to really explain that i hate him with every inch of my body. meh.
the only thing i can say.. is to live your life for you. be selfish sometimes. not in a spiteful way. but learn to say no. it's hard. and i still have the hardest time doing it. and i still feel loads of guilt for things beyond my control.
but i moved far far way from my family so that i could live MY life, for me.
hope you figure it out.
hugs.
currently my house has been invaded by my mom and stepdad... and i haven't the heart to really explain that i hate him with every inch of my body. meh.
the only thing i can say.. is to live your life for you. be selfish sometimes. not in a spiteful way. but learn to say no. it's hard. and i still have the hardest time doing it. and i still feel loads of guilt for things beyond my control.
but i moved far far way from my family so that i could live MY life, for me.
hope you figure it out.
hugs.
Yeah, you are totally not alone in this one. I went through a huge crisis recently about friends screwin' me over when I've gone out of my way to help them time and again. If I recall, I actually vented about this to Vegas not too long ago. *lifts left eyebrow in deep thought*
wendykat: Thanks for stopping by...
and good luck with the step dad... I am not a fan of mine - but as he's an ex-stepdad he's not as annoying now... hehehe.
Kid-lysol: you deep in thought is, for some reason, sort of scary... but hey, at least you are thinking about something.
and good luck with the step dad... I am not a fan of mine - but as he's an ex-stepdad he's not as annoying now... hehehe.
Kid-lysol: you deep in thought is, for some reason, sort of scary... but hey, at least you are thinking about something.
My sympathies. All I hear is how I never visit anyone in my family (they're about an hour or so away). All the time, they expect me as the baby of the family who moved away to have to be the one who does the traveling. I think my brother and his wife have visited me maybe three times in the last 10 years, not exaggerating. They always know that I'll feel guilty and make the trip. Ugh...
mesabi red: the guilt is interesting, isn't it...
FF: this was in no way directed at you... cause I loves you too! And you are welcome... oh and I do appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me as well.
FF: this was in no way directed at you... cause I loves you too! And you are welcome... oh and I do appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me as well.