Tales From the Dark Side

This is really weighing on my mind.
All the what if's...

What if I lose Friday/Saturday and only get to talk to J at 2 in the morning, and see him on his days off IF he come to NF to see me?

What if the panic attacks return while I'm at work on a busy Saturday night and I end up on more medications than I'm on now?

What if J decides to give me the ring earlier than planned, what are we going to do, where will I work, where will we live? (Is this one really that bad?)

What if I go back to work and I can't get control of the side effects from this medication, what if I can't feel the money? What if I can't remember transactions while doing them? What if I can't see the computer screen because my vision goes blurry and I make a mistake? All because I have to drink 2 - 3 litres of water a day (For you american's there's 4 litres in a gallon!)

I was awake last night with all this running continuously through my head when all I wanted was to go to sleep. I'm on a medical leave from work I shouldn't be stressing out about work, especialy when I haven't even been there in 3 months. Now I dread going back.

What does fate have in store for me?
Should I do my Tarot again?

Right now I'm supposed to be in the car going to see my dad and my Godchild - but I needed to vent. It was a long night. And I am going to be thinking about this all the way to Kincardine...

Why does that happen?

I got home to a message from work. We are rebidding for our days off. which normally wouldn't be a big deal but my seniority is not good enough for me to keep my Friday and Saturday's off. Which means that I am not going to see my boyfriend after I go back to work. The thing is, J cannot change his days off - he works in a factory, they do not produce on weekends so he doesn't go in on weekends. Our whole relationship is based on seeing eachother on Friday and Saturday nights. It was perfect from the day we met, like we were meant to be together. Now it feels as if this is a test, the ultimate in ultimatums. Take the next step or we have to break up.

Mind you, I won't be going back to work until February so there is lots of time to figure it all out...

Why now, when everything was going so well.

I can tell.
I have 2 blogs.
A happy blog (Rising from the Afterglow).
And a sad blog (Journey through fields of grey).
And I haven't been using grey at all.
Mind you - when I was low last month I should have been using grey and wasn't - 2 blogs is hard. I hate admitting that I am in the grey phase of my existance.

Bi-polar gives me a duality that I do not like to acknowledge. It is like a weakness, an imperfection that I would prefer I didn't have to share. The problem is that it overtook my life and I couldn't hide it anymore. So the world as I know it discovered my nasty little secret. The stigma involved is scary and I wonder if writing in this forum is a good idea (what if someone finds it like I find others secrets?). The point of a blog is to share and learn. Will others learn from the lessons I have lived? Will they laugh? Will they see themselves?

Wow...
I'm phylosophical today...
NOT!