Tales From the Dark Side

This is especially difficult for me. I spent so many years living in fear, and behind my fears that now I don't even acknowledge then as such... most of the time.

But I will do my best.

1. I fear I am not good enough... at anything.
2. I fear the unknown - I want to leave my job but I don't know what to do instead so I won't leave, nor will I look for something else or take classes to improve myself.
3. I fear that I am just settling for a relationship that works because I know it is all I can handle.
4. I am afraid that my mental illness will become my childrens' mental illness.
5. I fear I will never be out of debt, yet I continue to spend as if I have the money to spend.
6. I fear I push my friends away because the relationship isn't equal.
7. I fear I give too much of myself to people and don't leave enough for me.


OK... now I'm thinking.
so I will stop.
I think that is how the rules to this challenge worked.

I wanna stay here...
I don't wantot cr,I don't wantot cream, I don't wantto throw a temper tantrum... I just don't want to go to work.

It seems like too much stress, and I would really like to avoid it today. This week (all 2 days I have been in so far) have been extrememly brutal and I did not sleep well last night. In fact I had borderline nightmares - but it was non-work related - Angie from Survivor was kicked off Idol (which I don't even watch)... so it was very strange and scary indeed and she would not stop crying! Plus there was no gas to fill up my car and the parking ot was pitch black so I had to keep hitting the lock button on my keychain to find my car - but I couldn't walk in a straight line. I was glad to wake up. But I am sore from sleeeping crooked!

I am supposed to drive to Toronto this weekend too.
My BF wants me there for Easter but I have to be back here to work at noon on Sunday. So I don't even see the point of going - except that I am going to go see my Mom Saturday. Yesterday I was ready to go to bed at 4pm and waited until 9:45pm, today I am still tired. I have no idea what I will be like tonight. But J is so looking forward to seeing me.

First I need to get through work.
AND the NO BREAK shift manager is in today! yippee.


I can do this.

I feel like a whining 5 year old, fighting back the tearrs, trying to be the big girl I know I am just because things aren't going my way. Also fighting the desire to go hide in my room and play with my dolls (I don't have dolls anymore but YOu know what I mean.)

Today was the worst day yet.
There was talk about my breaks and the only way I get one is if I stay 15 minutes later than the 4 hours alloted by the Dr's note.
So I guess I am going to see my Dr ASAP and get a new note. The stupid thing is the Shift Manager I saw today agrees that this is a stupid rule and that I should be entitled to that break as 4 hours is a long time, especially when I am coming off of a leave. He doesn't understand why there has become an issue. He told me that as long as I leave after one minute after he considers that 15 minutes (as per department policy) and I could go...
BUT that is him not the guy that made the big fuss.

I still want to hide and cry and fight and scream and ... well, to be perfectly honest. If I see the shift that started this, outside on the street, there might accidentily be a smacking... of course I would never do that. I wish I was the type of person who could. I can't believe this is pissing me off so much.

I am pysically and emotionally drained and it is making the return to work unpleasant.
Tomorrow I would like to do nothing.
Nothing at all.

I hate being in a positive mood when negativity is constantly trying to strike me down... the fight is exhausting.

Work is tearing me apart, the sad thing is I fought to return.

I am fighting now for a 15 minute break duing my 4 hour shift. The sad thing is 15 minutes isn't enough and the bosses want to take it away. If they do I am prepared to call the doctor and get a NOTE insisting on a 15 minute break every 45 minutes that I am working... that will show them for playing hard ball.

I am not used to standing for extended periods of time... my low back hurts again.

Where have all my internet friends gone? There comments get fewer and fewer.

One day I will follow the path of MooCow as I am running out of things to say and my schedule will become to busy to 'play' on-line. I have other interests. It is just a matter of when.

I adore having a cat - the only downside is that she is in heat, but she is absolutely adorable and I cannot believe how much I missed the antics of the crazy little animals.
(Bird rocks too!)

This is the first house I have lived in that I have wanted to paint... making me believe that this is home and I want to stay.
The repairs are being completed and things are falling into place. I have many purchases to make but all will come together in time.

George has a feather on his beak from preening and looks silly:)

My mind is racing yet I have nothing to say.

Today has been a day of questions.

This morning was Why? At work I will get the Why questions: why were you off?, why so long?, why switch casino's?

Then I switched to When? When will I stop beating myself up?, when will I stop acting the victim?, when did I get so caught up in my own melodrama WHEN I was completely fine last week...

So I switched to HOW? How am I going to get out of this little slump? How come this cat is a moron? (Ok that always comes out of left field but she is a wee bit of an idiot... I should devote a blog entirely to her antics so everyone understands...) How can I relieve the stress that I am feeling? How can I stop the tears from falling without supressing them altogether?

I don't have to answer these questions.
I just had to acknowledge them.
Now I feel better.
I realized that no matter how much I try to prepare for tomorrow, it is going to come and there may or may not be questions, people may or may not care, they may or may not ask. BUT my friends... the ones that know me best already know that I was off, why I was off and that they need not ask.
My bosses also know that I haven't been there in a while and "have my back" as it where...

I need not worry, but it is in my nature to do so. I will sleep tonight - thank goodness for the meds. I am on the perfect sleep schedule now. I am prepared.
I know what I am going to wear (we have uniforms) so I don't even have to think about that.

It is already Monday.
Tomorrow is Tuesday.
That means the weekend is almost here... mine starts on Friday!

I just needed to calm down. I finally have.

I think.

Somewhere, sometime ago, I was on top of the world. The prospect of a new house, away from the bitter cold and the daffy idiot who lived upstairs. A house with my own kitchen and a huge bathroom, bedrooms to stretch out in and someplace to call my own. Not to mention my mood... I was happy, joyous, rarely using the bitter blog... Now today and for the past few days I find I am barely able to get out of bed, not leaving the house not getting dressed. Even golfing is bringing me little happiness. I just don't care.
The house - not all it's cracked up to be, but it is warm, and no crazy chick upstairs, in fact I never see her. The "real" landlord is not fixing things as quickly as she should be and I am annoyed. I want to cry.
AND I am terrified of going back to work. I don't want to be asked questions...the WHY questions... it is no ones business WHY I was off of work and WHY I am only working shortened hours...
Today I am on the verge of tears... if fact I have cried a few times... even walking to the grocery store to get tomato paste I cried... not about getting tomato paste, but because I needed to cry. I know tomorrow is going to be hard and as much as I try to prepare and as ready as I feel I am, I am still fragile. Or at least today I am. Today I am Fragile. This weekend has been an incredibly fragile weekend for me and I wonder if not seeing my BF has had something to do with it... am I more fragile when I don't see him?
Is there a way for me to look back and see?
Just thinking about it... I am crying now... so that makes me think that he may have something to do with it... typical, it is all the man's fault.

I am trying today. Be positive. I showered this morning, I ate, I went for a walk. I have had a couple of phone conversations. I have addressed my fears. I have cried for the first time all weekend and it is Monday!
I need to go back to work... staying home is making me worse. But here doesn't feel like home yet. It is still in disarray and I doubt it will ever be as the landlord is taking forever to get anything done.
I don't know what else to say.

I will be fine.
Just not today.

In a boredom experiment from yesterdays blog about blogs becoming obselete, I started searching. I came across numerous blogs that have been left untouched for months and a few with one or two entries and then abandoned altogether.

I know there are many more out there that write daily and have something to say. Others use this as a way to communicate with ROOMMATES (those ones I think strange - get a pad and paper)! Others it is mindless drivel... (mine included). But I started on-line journaling as a way to communicate with a friend in another city as we both worked shift work and found it difficult to have phone conversations that didn't interrupt sleep - very important when dating someone or if you get grumpy from lack of sleep! Then I discovered there are others with the same thoughts / ideas that I have, people who might have insight into what I might be going through... and vice versa.

But the cirles are drawing ever tighter.
People are leaving, or not exploring.
I have even tried introducing "friends" to the game and they don't want to play... so I question the lengths to Blogs future existance.
I still pull out my written journal... I did today... yes, dear Bloggers there are things I don't share. I think we all keep things hidden.

How long until it is only games... SpamBlogging only!
Hasn't it begun?

I tried to comment on Vegas' blog yesterday... I was feeling especially inspired and deep... and the damn blog wouldn't post. Today it won't allow me access to his blog at all.

The general comment has to do with the downfall of the internet and blogging as a whole.
MooCow and another of my favourite bloggers called it quits within 48 hours of eachother and I began to wonder if this is the beginning of the end of bloggerdom and the internet that I have heard about.
I have heard rumors that the internet is going to be obselete and that people are returning to the real world - meeting people and spending time with loved ones, crotcheting, knitting, doing family activities - getting outside... of course the GEEK will live forever but with a more life driven flair. I don't believe that people will spend all day attatched to their computers then come home to do the same...

But sharing our inner most thoughts with the entire planet - is that losing it's appeal. Are people (bloggers and LJ'ers alike) pulling the plug on their identities and picking up pens or dialing the phone and actually talking to REAL people and having ACTUAL relationships!

I ask... How long will this charade last?
How long until the Dragonfly, too, flies away? I already weild the mightly pen and dial the daffy phone, but how long until I give up and say to Firefly... just call more often if you really want to know what's going on... cause I can fake this too, you know!!

Vegas...
The question I posed in place of MooCow's - Do you think the internet could be rendered useless or obselete?

I should be happy. Ecstatic really... I got two really nice e-mails this morning. The first from my sister-in-law that had ultrasound pictures of my new niece or nephew... very cute.

The second from my favourite Aunt telling me that BOTH of her daughters, my cousins, are having babies in September... within 2 weeke of eachother. These are cousins that I am older than. One is married, the other in a relationship younger than mine.

Regardless - I should be happy for them... but am not. My in-law and brother... well of course, it is their second and I know how much they want this baby... so I am happy for them.
My cousins... I am older... should I not be first!

I doubt that it is jealousy. It very well could be. This week has been so stressful and nothing is going according to the plan that was laid out and my life plan is completely off kilter... for goodness sake... I am even having nightmares about being bitched about on this blog!
I know plans are going to change and nothing is set in stone... life goes on and that there are always going to be some bumps along the way... I sometimes feel like all mine are hitting now and have been semi-consistant for the last 5 years.

The guy I want slipping away.
My best friends death and my sanity going with it.
The fight to regain what little sanity I have.
Leaving a perfecly good apartment to discover who my friends AREN'T... then getting stuck because of the almighty dollar.
Finding the right guy who has no adgenda or abvious timetable at all.
AND now this bizarre and broken apartment.

The funny thing is I don't even know if I want kids of my own and at this point in my life I know I couldn't afford one!
Why am I upset!?!

There are repairmen coming... so what I hoped to have set up will have to wait...

Thank God I don't start work right away...
This is just so frustrating.
I want to cry.
I have no bed... a mattress on the floor and J wants to get plywood cut to fit the bedframe so I am at least off the ground... but I have spent so much money already on other accessories and things necessary to clean the mess up from ASSHOLE who lived here previously. Even the Vacuum (which is a good one) was more expensive than I should have spent).
The floor in the bedrrom is still leeking so the fans are going all the lime and the carpet is pulled back and things are moved partially out of the way.
There is a leak in the kitchen.
The cold cellar has rot and bugs in it, but the landlord was here last night and is having someone come clear it out.
The fireplace won't light - but I have permission to call someone about it!

I don't know if I feel regret for moving - I enjoy the warmth... I guess I am just disappointed that things did not go as smoothly as planned.

Everything that could go wrong has... almost!

So far - nothing is broken... I think God has something to do with that - or my incredible packing and driving capabilities.

First the weather was brutal - 20+ CM of snow.
My BF's friend that was going to come help move stuff cancelled so it was just J and I.
The bedroom had a major water leak, so Em and her went to get NEW carpet to replace the old stuff and try to fix the problem so I could have a bedroom while I was moving in!
My box spring won't fit down the stairs into the apartment so I don't even have my whole bed.
The windows have exposed insulation and aren't finished so I can't even store stuff on the window sills as there aren't any!
AND my dream kitchen has no cupboard space!!!! AAaahhh!!!!
I have too much stuff and not enough space compared to what I used to have... just a little frustrating.

BUT it is warm and clean since Em and I spent 2 days cleaning. The phone works, the computer is set up, I have TV (sort of) and I need to go to the grocery store...
I still have a million things to unpack - but am down to books and movies and pictures but have no clue where they are going to go as they hang and/or need to do on shelves that I don't have access to at his time.

But I have lots of windows and the bird loves the warmth.
I am trying to stay positive.
I am tired.