Tales From the Dark Side

It's official.. I haven't left the house in 3 days and quite frankly I am terrified to walk out the door. I don't know why/ I know that nothing is going to happen.. It is completely irrational. But the thought of leaving the house brings me to tears... And brings on anxiety. Yes... An anxiety attack, shaking, crying, tears and all the bad stuff that goes along with it.

These are the times I hate my life, I hate my disorder and I hate that I can't get over this.
The pathetic thing is that these feelings are probably self-inflicted. I decided to come off my medication so that I can detox. The doctor is allowing it... knowing that I will go back on them in a month - after the lemonade diet experiment... But right now I need to do this.
She explained the problems with going off the meds right now... And I assume that is why I am terrified of leaving the house... But I didn't expect it so soon. I am not completely crazy... I just want a clean slate to start over with.

If only it wasn't so scary.

I went to bed last night in my "flu exhaustion" state. Managed to fall asleep in a position that allowed me to breath and be warm at the same time... had the crap scared out of me by Firefly when she called an hour after I had gotten into bed (although she did make me laugh so it's OK).
But then...

I couldn't fall back asleep. The thoughts were back... the ones that overlap, and run and run without regard for my desire to sleep.
But the one thought that was prominent is my blogs.
I still don't like my "old" theme... they are nice, were nice before... but now it doesn't seem to fit.
In my head I was thinking about googleing opposites...
then it hit me...

I am working my way From the Dark... and Into the Light.
I'm not saying that I am still suicidal... I mean it as I am fighting my way from the recesses of the depression into the stability of life.
Of course it only makes sense in my head... but I really like it and as soon as I awoke this morning, there it was, still in my head.

So the search is on for Templates... who knows how long that will take me - because Firefly does most of the work, *giggle*, but I like this.
And it's mine.

I think I'm sick again.
My throat hurts A LOT.
It's probably just a cold... but, bleh! who wants to be sick.


On the upside... it's completly distracting me from the crap that runs through my head.
Constantly.

And I bought my first Christmas Present today.
It's for my mom.
I know she's gonna love it.

Now the quest for everyone else is on.
I have 1 month.

It's getting ridiculous.
The medication I am on is making me awake...
Not manic, or hyper... Just awake.
I was so not tired last night I was up staring at the TV until 4am. Then I woke at 9:30 this morning. AND my mood really isn't that much better.

These medications have bizarre effects on me. I'm really hot. And I don't mean HAWT... but warm hot. I went for a walk last night down by the Falls with my sister and she was freezing and I was fine. The only part of me that was cold were my hands, and only when we were taking stupid pictures of ourselves.. at night, with all the pretty lights (sorry... I haven't downloaded them yet, they'll show up - eventually).
She was frozen for an hour after we got back to the car.. I warmed up before we got back to the car... as soon as my hands were tucked in my sleeves again... they I was fine.

I wake up sweating, and I have the vent closed in my room. I sleep with less blankets now than ever. I love the feel of blankets weighing me down when I sleep... that tucked in cozy feeling... But right now if I have them I could die from dehydration ... alright slight exaggeration, but that's how it feels.

Now... I'm off to drink a quart or two of water...
And I should go to the gym.

For the last couple of years I have tried to be optimistic and positive. I've not always been successful, mind you - but at least I'm trying, and putting on a brave face about it (most of the time).

And then...
There's just that whole "bad luck" issue.
I understand, if it wasn't for bad luck I would have no luck at all, but maybe, just maybe things could go easily for me - for once.

Yes - I know, and I agree it isn't that my life is so bad, it isn't everyday that crap happens - but it's enough to make me sit up and say "Hhhhhmmmph, WTF?"

Yes - the depression got so bad I had to come off work - and we (my doctor) are playing with my meds - guinea pig time!
But, in order for me to remain on leave, have a roof over my head and such -- there are papers that need to be filled out. And my doctor LOST mine. She said she almost had them done and they have since disappeared.

So today I had to drive to the Doctors office twice - once for my appointment and the second to bring her another set of papers... Which she now has to fill out again!

There is humor there. I know there is.
It just doesn't seem funny right now.

But it did get me out of the house for an extra hour.
And that was after going to the gym this morning.
I then went shopping - ran into a few stores...
I've been gone all morning.

Now I need my daily nap.

These are the two most self-destructive words on the planet. We can all live our lives repeating those two words and never getting anywhere. Those two words create more questions, more anxiety, more angst.

What if he still loved me?
What if I didn't have a bird?
What if I don't go to work today - or every again?
What if I drive my car off the bridge - will anyone miss me?
What if I could make it all disappear?
What if I was normal?
What if I could leave the house and not have to take the iPod with me - just to remain invisible and ignore the rest of the world?
What if I could run away from it all?


Running... That's the easy solution - temporary, but easy. Your troubles always find you. Nothing can make them fully go away.
Running on the track this morning - round and round I went - my mind finally cleared. Until my body gave out.
I still want to run - but at least on the track I can't get far.

What if I could run forever?
What if?

I mean... I am supposed to be getting more sleep, catching up, but this morning I was up around 5:30am.

I tried to go beck to sleep - but my mind was working too much, talking too loudly for me to ignore it. So I came into the living room and put on a movie...
Then I realized I was hungry - so I made blueberry pancakes (yup - gonna pay for that later). Now I am full, and awake... and it's only 7:30. I'm still yawning, I am still exhausted, I suppose I could got to the gym since I didn't leave the house yesterday at all.

Yesterday I just wanted everyone to leave me alone... I wanted solitude, I wanted to be unnoticed and ignored. Today I want to sleep but can't. Maybe I'll get to nap later.

These moods suck... I hate them and now I can't sleep to hide either...
although it could just be today (oh let it be today)

I'm a horrible burden on my friends.
I can't be there for them when they need me.
And the ones I want to talk to aren't around.

Sorry.. Sorry.. I couldn't resist...

In college my favourite movie was the Lion King... All about the Circle of life.
And my tarot Cards talk about the Story of the fool, who travels the journey of life learning life's lessons until finally he ends up right where he started.

My life is like that.
Nice, casual, stable...
Then Chaotic and crazy and uncomfortable.. And it always swings back around to where I started.

I started this blog because I was on a leave of Absence from work - the bi-polar and depression was really bad.
Now.. I am officially on Leave - AGAIN!
This time it's depression and social Anxiety that has gotten really out of control.

I know I'll be alright.
I have some great friends that are a fantastic support system. They make me leave my house.

And a good doctor who insists I get some sleep.
Last night I got over 8 hours (for the first time in a month) and I want to go for a nap - I've only been awake for 3 hours though...

I look around my beautiful and neglected apartment and am overwhelmed at where I should start at the cleaning and tidying... Because, it has gotten a tad out of control in the depressive state that I am in.

I've got time now.. I'll get it straightened out.
I have other things to worry about.

Like - When's Firefly coming home?

After almost a month of waiting, my appointment is tomorrow.
I have taken notes. Typed them out, cause I know the relief of being in the office and seeing the doctor is just going to bring every emotion to the surface again.

So.. I am ready.
I don't know if I will be going to work next week.
I don't know much.
I just know that tomorrow I get to see my doctor.


If I go to sleep I might miss tomorrow.

The last 5 weeks have been utter hell
I am barely sleeping.. I stay in my pajamas until it’s time to get ready for work (unless a friend calls and says they want to go out)
I cry on the way to work, and usually have to take an anti-anxiety pill to stop the tears and calm myself down so I can work.
At work I am thinking about everything - barely aware of what I am doing, finding it hard to smile, the tears are always so close to the surface - if someone where to yell at me I would instantly start crying
I didn’t balance one night at work and I lost my ability to think rationally.. I was driving home thinking every negative thought there was… the darkest night I have had in a while… that was October 9th. I wanted to die that night. Take every pill in the house and sleep forever and not have to deal with this crap anymore. I can’t handle it. I tried to call you the next day - you weren’t around, so I increased my medication and wrote… and cried myself to sleep.
I lost my godmother this month… the 20th of October… she was my substitute Aunt.. I lived on her lap until I was 5 and we moved away… I went to Kincardine for the funeral. I’m glad my mom was there… and I am glad we drove in separate cars - I would have had to put her half of the car under a transport truck.
Swing is too late... I am exhausted. My skin is changing colour, I am so much calmer when I walk in the house at 1am (cause they make me work until 12:30pm) that I can’t sleep. I stay up until 3am then finally (maybe) go to sleep. I get up around 9am. I am tired and am trying to find the motivation to get out of the house… I barely have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. I know that the gym would be good for me… but the idea of facing people and leaving the safety and comfort of my home freaks me out. I usually leave the gym in tears and I find that frustrating because I love the gym.

I have been spending a lot of money lately too… all money I have.. But my savings are gone. That worries me too.
Yes - I needed new tires.
Yes - I was saving for a new computer ( that’s why I was saving)
Yes - I promised myself a new winter coat - and I wanted to treat myself to a Danier)
But I am scared I over did it.

Yes - I can still pay my bills…
But my thoughts are so scattered I am freaking out.
I hate being like this.

The medication increase worked for a couple of weeks.. I was getting happier… but know - not so much.. I am back to crying. I am also afraid that if we increase it I will go completely manic, and that will be bad.
Am I keeping myself this way - or am I really sick this time?