Sunday, November 05, 2006
Confessions of a Depressed Bi-polar
The last 5 weeks have been utter hell
I am barely sleeping.. I stay in my pajamas until it’s time to get ready for work (unless a friend calls and says they want to go out)
I cry on the way to work, and usually have to take an anti-anxiety pill to stop the tears and calm myself down so I can work.
At work I am thinking about everything - barely aware of what I am doing, finding it hard to smile, the tears are always so close to the surface - if someone where to yell at me I would instantly start crying
I didn’t balance one night at work and I lost my ability to think rationally.. I was driving home thinking every negative thought there was… the darkest night I have had in a while… that was October 9th. I wanted to die that night. Take every pill in the house and sleep forever and not have to deal with this crap anymore. I can’t handle it. I tried to call you the next day - you weren’t around, so I increased my medication and wrote… and cried myself to sleep.
I lost my godmother this month… the 20th of October… she was my substitute Aunt.. I lived on her lap until I was 5 and we moved away… I went to Kincardine for the funeral. I’m glad my mom was there… and I am glad we drove in separate cars - I would have had to put her half of the car under a transport truck.
Swing is too late... I am exhausted. My skin is changing colour, I am so much calmer when I walk in the house at 1am (cause they make me work until 12:30pm) that I can’t sleep. I stay up until 3am then finally (maybe) go to sleep. I get up around 9am. I am tired and am trying to find the motivation to get out of the house… I barely have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. I know that the gym would be good for me… but the idea of facing people and leaving the safety and comfort of my home freaks me out. I usually leave the gym in tears and I find that frustrating because I love the gym.
I have been spending a lot of money lately too… all money I have.. But my savings are gone. That worries me too.
Yes - I needed new tires.
Yes - I was saving for a new computer ( that’s why I was saving)
Yes - I promised myself a new winter coat - and I wanted to treat myself to a Danier)
But I am scared I over did it.
Yes - I can still pay my bills…
But my thoughts are so scattered I am freaking out.
I hate being like this.
The medication increase worked for a couple of weeks.. I was getting happier… but know - not so much.. I am back to crying. I am also afraid that if we increase it I will go completely manic, and that will be bad.
Am I keeping myself this way - or am I really sick this time?
I am barely sleeping.. I stay in my pajamas until it’s time to get ready for work (unless a friend calls and says they want to go out)
I cry on the way to work, and usually have to take an anti-anxiety pill to stop the tears and calm myself down so I can work.
At work I am thinking about everything - barely aware of what I am doing, finding it hard to smile, the tears are always so close to the surface - if someone where to yell at me I would instantly start crying
I didn’t balance one night at work and I lost my ability to think rationally.. I was driving home thinking every negative thought there was… the darkest night I have had in a while… that was October 9th. I wanted to die that night. Take every pill in the house and sleep forever and not have to deal with this crap anymore. I can’t handle it. I tried to call you the next day - you weren’t around, so I increased my medication and wrote… and cried myself to sleep.
I lost my godmother this month… the 20th of October… she was my substitute Aunt.. I lived on her lap until I was 5 and we moved away… I went to Kincardine for the funeral. I’m glad my mom was there… and I am glad we drove in separate cars - I would have had to put her half of the car under a transport truck.
Swing is too late... I am exhausted. My skin is changing colour, I am so much calmer when I walk in the house at 1am (cause they make me work until 12:30pm) that I can’t sleep. I stay up until 3am then finally (maybe) go to sleep. I get up around 9am. I am tired and am trying to find the motivation to get out of the house… I barely have the energy and motivation to go to the gym. I know that the gym would be good for me… but the idea of facing people and leaving the safety and comfort of my home freaks me out. I usually leave the gym in tears and I find that frustrating because I love the gym.
I have been spending a lot of money lately too… all money I have.. But my savings are gone. That worries me too.
Yes - I needed new tires.
Yes - I was saving for a new computer ( that’s why I was saving)
Yes - I promised myself a new winter coat - and I wanted to treat myself to a Danier)
But I am scared I over did it.
Yes - I can still pay my bills…
But my thoughts are so scattered I am freaking out.
I hate being like this.
The medication increase worked for a couple of weeks.. I was getting happier… but know - not so much.. I am back to crying. I am also afraid that if we increase it I will go completely manic, and that will be bad.
Am I keeping myself this way - or am I really sick this time?
Dragonfly 11/05/2006 09:48:00 AM
1 Comments:
First remember You are never alone. I am here to hold your hand, let you cry on my shoulder, always. Or just to get your mind off of things for a few brief moments. We all love you here and like firefly said I wish I had the answers. I wish I had the magic, the answers, the ability to take all your pain, confusion, and loneliless you have right now.
As I always tell you. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You are so much to yourself and I know your strength and the support of us all will get you through this time.
As I said b4 I am only a call away and I can be there for you in a few hours maybe a day if you need me to be. I LOVE YOU sweetheart.
Kisses, hugs and more love than you can hold.
As I always tell you. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You are so much to yourself and I know your strength and the support of us all will get you through this time.
As I said b4 I am only a call away and I can be there for you in a few hours maybe a day if you need me to be. I LOVE YOU sweetheart.
Kisses, hugs and more love than you can hold.
