Tales From the Dark Side

Nothing seems to fit
Nothing seems to satisfy
I want it all
and I want nothing at all

If I could be left alone and ignored I would be happy indeed
but I crave the company of those that understand me best

This week
I am an enigma
or an oxymoron
whichever fits

Why ask if you don't want to know the answer?
and if the answer isn't one you don't want to hear, why give advice that suits yourself and not the person to whom you are speaking?

Why is it that the act of asking becomes a cover for pushing your own beliefs on someone else?
Why can't I make sense of any of this?


it's one thing to be heard
it's another to listen
but if you are going to ask
you have to listen too
or you are just wasting everyone's time

and if you don't want to know
Don't waste my time

I had a friend ask what I was doing on my vacation
when my response was not to that friends liking
I was told to go to Dominican republic or Cuba
I gave my reasons for not wanting to go there
no one to go with, friends unavailable
I was told to go to Australia
I said money was an issue

I was then told that I am an "I can't" person
and that he didn't know why he wasted his time talking to me.
And with that he signed off.

The words "I can't" were not a part of that conversation.
I do not use them.
I realize that there are so many aspects of myself that I keep hidden from my acquaintances.
People may consider themselves my friend
But they really don't know me
And if they don't take the time to listen to me
I will not continue to give my time to them.

The things I hide:
Becca, her daughter, my feelings about them both
and the lengths I will go to remain in her life.
My medical condition
my family
the things I really want from life

I don't do it to be mean or shy
I don't do it to be disrespectful
I just do not expect everyone to understand the basic dynamic that is my life
It just means that I have less explaining to do
that I don't have to be the center of attention for long
and that I will be left to my own devices

so why do I feel like I have done something wrong?

There are things we do everyday without really thinking about it.
Simple acts that are ingrained from birth, or childhood simply by training and repetition. Like recapping the toothbrush and flushing the toilet, covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Even saying God Bless you to a stranger when they do it. Canadians apologize when someone bumps into them - as they were trained to do from children... All out of habit.

Daily habits we can create in ourselves, double checking the door to ensure it is locked before heading out to work, always grabbing your purse and keys, (or wallet - can't forget the guys), closing the bird cage and turning on the radio for the bird has become a habit for me, as I do it everytime I leave the house.

What happens after a move? The ritual changes.
For the third night since my move I have gone to my class.
And for the third night I have taken the wrong exit off the highway to get to my NEW HOME!
Tonight I was the closest to getting it right. This time I caught myself before the exit but was in the wrong lane and there was a car in the way preventing me from cutting over in time to get off the highway. Yet, the habit has been formed of going to the other exit after my class. The good thing is there are 2 classes left this term. Then a month of before the next one begins. Hopefully I will begin to remember the true way home, or stop singing so loud I get distracted and forget to get off the damn highway.