Tales From the Dark Side

I watched my best friend fight cancer.  I watched while she went through radiation. I watched while she suffered through the chemo therapy. And I watched her win both times. And then I accepted when she chose not to fight after being given the terminal diagnosis.  She begged, BEGGED, me to accept her decision not to try a third time, when her only option was radiation for pain management.  But when she asked me if she would be here to see her daughters birthday, I replied "That's up to you.  How bad do you want it?" and she said that's all she wants in the world.  The doctors had given her 3 months.  Her daughters birthday was in 5.  

So every week I would make the 3 hour trip home. And every week I would walk into the house and she would call out "Is that my Niki?" and I would say "Yup, but let me pee." and she would say "hurry up we have to talk."  So, after using the bathroom, I would go up the stairs, take her hands, and kiss her cheek (the one with feeling) and she would say "How long til Robyn's birthday?" and I would answer - 4 months, 3 months, 2 months, 6 weeks, 4 weeks, 2 weeks... and her reply was always "I can do it".

So Dad, You have cancer.  You are "dying".  Maybe just maybe you need to accept that you have cancer and CHOOSE to live that time you have left enjoying time with the people that love you most in the world.  Who cares if you lose at cards? Who cares if your house is a mess and full of people.  Just stop and enjoy.  And maybe, just maybe the person "helping" you play sudoku isn't really helping but trying to get your attention for 1 minute.  Maybe choosing to walk away in a huff was choosing to reject that person.  So what, you have cancer... I know you are in pain, we all have our own burden to bear, and we all get through it. You are no different.

It's not that I don't care that you have cancer, I do.  What I truly care about is the fact that you won't be here when I need you, or want to see you.  You won't be here on my wedding day (if we chose to get married).  You won't surprise me by showing up at the door unannounced after going out for a ride.  You won't sit and play cards with me, or entertain the kids, my step-kids (who think you are weird, by the way, but they will gladly sit quietly in your house for 2 days just for a 5 minute conversation with you) with your hilarious stories and giant smile.  

This life is a choice. Your "remaining" life is all a choice.  YOU can choose to focus on the fact that you have cancer and you can choose to live with cancer.  Choose to enjoy the time you have.  Find a goal and live towards it.  Grandkids birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, YOUR ANNIVERSARY.  Find something... and choose to be there for it.  And spend everyday trying to get there.

The hardest part for you will be accepting that you now have limitations.  That you can't just rip out the ceiling, or shovel the driveway.  That riding the bike may be too much for your chest... accept that you will have ridiculous numbers of doctors appointments, and may be in the hospital regularly to have fluid drained from your chest... Make each day special by going for lunch, meeting a new person, making a friend, calling family, thinking about how this appointment/hospital visit is just another step towards whatever goal you have determined to reach.  

Dad, I love you.  You created me, you are half of the person I am.  I know I am not the most important person in your life, I know that you don't know how to talk to me, and you don't know what to say to me... You don't have to protect me anymore, I am not a fragile, emotional mess (I write as tears are pouring down my cheeks), I can take care of myself... Please accept that I have hit my rock bottom, the absolute worst and I came out on top and I have learned a great many things from an amazing person, who went through so much in her short life.  You have lived a long, full life... You have experienced Love, loss, the birth of your children, losing your parents, and finding the love of your life and your family... How you choose to live is up to you. Life is a choice.  You can choose to live or choose to wallow in self pity just because you got cancer.

Choose to live.

Dying is the easy part.

Living is the hardest thing you will ever do.  But at least you tried.

Those thoughts, the dark scary ones... but they do appear. And I have the ability to acknowledge the situation surrounding it.  Ok, so the pain is bad today... and I had an eye appointment, so lights, focusing etc... it intensified the pain significantly.  Then I had to drive home... and that same dark thought appeared... Let there be an accident that takes me out too.  

I immediately acknowledge that this only happens when 1)I am driving and 2) I am in a lot of pain.  I reminded myself that 'I am almost home' and I can lie down and rest and the pain might dissipate... 

So... .yay me... I calmed myself down.

And then I acknowledged that I am lonely. And I am anti-social.  I asked myself why.  And my answer - the most interesting thing about me is that I have a migraine. And no one cares.  Honestly, I don't even care about it anymore.  And the next most interesting thing about me is that my step-son may be a drug addict - at least his behaviour can easily lead one in that direction.  And frankly, I don't want to talk about that.  He's not my kid.  (and No, his father has not called to set up counseling for that boy yet.)

And then I think about food... Taco Bell, Subway, McDonalds etc... and realize, I am a secret binge eater.  And the only reasons I don't do it are the gluten intolerance/celiac... and I don't have the money, and I don't want R to see those purchases on the credit card.  Fascinating really.  

my life... secrets, embarrassment and pain.