Tales From the Dark Side

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

I don't even know anymore

I feel like I am thinking rationally and clearly. I know I am sad, confused and terrified. My future is uncertain, I have no control and I have no sense of safety, comfort and security.
I have been asked to leave.
Because of the boy.
R says we are not done, that we just have to get over this hurdle and then we can be together.
I have thoughts, so dark, that the boy will do anything and everything in his power to end my relationship.

I don't like the person I am becoming, i don't like the thoughts in my head. I dislike this darkness...

But its not the depression, its not the bipolar. It's something else. Something different. Something I am not accustomed to feeling. Its hatred. I can't believe someone I care so much about can make me feel this way. And hes just a boy.

I am terrified I will not be able to survive financially on my own. I have so many things I need to repurchase. I have things that need to be replaced. And I wonder how I am going to afford it.

And R is being very secretive. Quiet. Refusing to answer questions about the future. He won't talk about money and wont give me a straight answer. So I am scared.

I don't know what to do anymore.
But in 2 weeks I will be beginning the process of moving bask to Niagara Falls.
Dragonfly 3/31/2015 05:45:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

is this all their is?

I feel like I am losing myself again.
Lack of sleep, midnight shifts and the stress of this relationship is more than I can bear.
I am emotional, so I cry.
I am frightened, so I shut down.
I am angry, so I over-react.
I am confused, so I ask questions that go unanswered... because I ask them of myself and not the person with the answers.
I have insights, and I can't express them... the words get lost because I am exhausted, emotional, and angry.

I am lost, and I know exactly what's going on.
I just know that everytime I make a major decision, like the one I am facing, I chose the wrong one. My instincts tell me that this is the wrong decision, and its not my call.
Dragonfly 3/11/2015 12:30:00 PM | 0 people trying to cheer me up |