Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I don't even know anymore
I feel like I am thinking rationally and clearly. I know I am sad, confused and terrified. My future is uncertain, I have no control and I have no sense of safety, comfort and security.
I have been asked to leave.
Because of the boy.
R says we are not done, that we just have to get over this hurdle and then we can be together.
I have thoughts, so dark, that the boy will do anything and everything in his power to end my relationship.
I don't like the person I am becoming, i don't like the thoughts in my head. I dislike this darkness...
But its not the depression, its not the bipolar. It's something else. Something different. Something I am not accustomed to feeling. Its hatred. I can't believe someone I care so much about can make me feel this way. And hes just a boy.
I am terrified I will not be able to survive financially on my own. I have so many things I need to repurchase. I have things that need to be replaced. And I wonder how I am going to afford it.
And R is being very secretive. Quiet. Refusing to answer questions about the future. He won't talk about money and wont give me a straight answer. So I am scared.
I don't know what to do anymore.
But in 2 weeks I will be beginning the process of moving bask to Niagara Falls.
I have been asked to leave.
Because of the boy.
R says we are not done, that we just have to get over this hurdle and then we can be together.
I have thoughts, so dark, that the boy will do anything and everything in his power to end my relationship.
I don't like the person I am becoming, i don't like the thoughts in my head. I dislike this darkness...
But its not the depression, its not the bipolar. It's something else. Something different. Something I am not accustomed to feeling. Its hatred. I can't believe someone I care so much about can make me feel this way. And hes just a boy.
I am terrified I will not be able to survive financially on my own. I have so many things I need to repurchase. I have things that need to be replaced. And I wonder how I am going to afford it.
And R is being very secretive. Quiet. Refusing to answer questions about the future. He won't talk about money and wont give me a straight answer. So I am scared.
I don't know what to do anymore.
But in 2 weeks I will be beginning the process of moving bask to Niagara Falls.
Dragonfly 3/31/2015 05:45:00 PM