Monday, March 14, 2005
To everything great there is a bitter end.
Somewhere, sometime ago, I was on top of the world. The prospect of a new house, away from the bitter cold and the daffy idiot who lived upstairs. A house with my own kitchen and a huge bathroom, bedrooms to stretch out in and someplace to call my own. Not to mention my mood... I was happy, joyous, rarely using the bitter blog... Now today and for the past few days I find I am barely able to get out of bed, not leaving the house not getting dressed. Even golfing is bringing me little happiness. I just don't care.
The house - not all it's cracked up to be, but it is warm, and no crazy chick upstairs, in fact I never see her. The "real" landlord is not fixing things as quickly as she should be and I am annoyed. I want to cry.
AND I am terrified of going back to work. I don't want to be asked questions...the WHY questions... it is no ones business WHY I was off of work and WHY I am only working shortened hours...
Today I am on the verge of tears... if fact I have cried a few times... even walking to the grocery store to get tomato paste I cried... not about getting tomato paste, but because I needed to cry. I know tomorrow is going to be hard and as much as I try to prepare and as ready as I feel I am, I am still fragile. Or at least today I am. Today I am Fragile. This weekend has been an incredibly fragile weekend for me and I wonder if not seeing my BF has had something to do with it... am I more fragile when I don't see him?
Is there a way for me to look back and see?
Just thinking about it... I am crying now... so that makes me think that he may have something to do with it... typical, it is all the man's fault.
I am trying today. Be positive. I showered this morning, I ate, I went for a walk. I have had a couple of phone conversations. I have addressed my fears. I have cried for the first time all weekend and it is Monday!
I need to go back to work... staying home is making me worse. But here doesn't feel like home yet. It is still in disarray and I doubt it will ever be as the landlord is taking forever to get anything done.
I don't know what else to say.
I will be fine.
Just not today.
The house - not all it's cracked up to be, but it is warm, and no crazy chick upstairs, in fact I never see her. The "real" landlord is not fixing things as quickly as she should be and I am annoyed. I want to cry.
AND I am terrified of going back to work. I don't want to be asked questions...the WHY questions... it is no ones business WHY I was off of work and WHY I am only working shortened hours...
Today I am on the verge of tears... if fact I have cried a few times... even walking to the grocery store to get tomato paste I cried... not about getting tomato paste, but because I needed to cry. I know tomorrow is going to be hard and as much as I try to prepare and as ready as I feel I am, I am still fragile. Or at least today I am. Today I am Fragile. This weekend has been an incredibly fragile weekend for me and I wonder if not seeing my BF has had something to do with it... am I more fragile when I don't see him?
Is there a way for me to look back and see?
Just thinking about it... I am crying now... so that makes me think that he may have something to do with it... typical, it is all the man's fault.
I am trying today. Be positive. I showered this morning, I ate, I went for a walk. I have had a couple of phone conversations. I have addressed my fears. I have cried for the first time all weekend and it is Monday!
I need to go back to work... staying home is making me worse. But here doesn't feel like home yet. It is still in disarray and I doubt it will ever be as the landlord is taking forever to get anything done.
I don't know what else to say.
I will be fine.
Just not today.
Dragonfly 3/14/2005 03:45:00 PM
1 Comments:
It's not that I don't know what to say to these people - damn, that's why I go to therapy! I still feel the stress. I haven't been there for over 6 months.
That seems unreal.
I don't remember how to do my job.
I don't know what any of the paperwork looks like and I have that to worry about, none of my computer codes are going to work for 3 days and there is nothing I can do about it. My access badge does not let me in any doors, MAYBE tomorrow is the answer I will recieve for the next 6 months...
I left as a trainer in my department. I taught new cashiers how to do MY job and I am going back and I need to be retrained.
On top of that I get to field unwanted questions, both about myself and about my friends who are either off or at the other site (whom I haven't seeen in 6 months)... regardless... there are questions I Can't answer without revealing that I was on leave...
That is what sucks... 2 sites. Big problems...
That seems unreal.
I don't remember how to do my job.
I don't know what any of the paperwork looks like and I have that to worry about, none of my computer codes are going to work for 3 days and there is nothing I can do about it. My access badge does not let me in any doors, MAYBE tomorrow is the answer I will recieve for the next 6 months...
I left as a trainer in my department. I taught new cashiers how to do MY job and I am going back and I need to be retrained.
On top of that I get to field unwanted questions, both about myself and about my friends who are either off or at the other site (whom I haven't seeen in 6 months)... regardless... there are questions I Can't answer without revealing that I was on leave...
That is what sucks... 2 sites. Big problems...
