Sunday, August 24, 2014
the ultimate bitch session
I hate complaining.
I truly do.
I find myself with so many negatives floating around that I can't think about anything else.
🔸 My Head is pounding. All the time. There is a vice grip clamped to the back of my head. It sucks. The botox hasn't made that go away. Its distressing and depressing. I really hate it.
🔸 The separation of R's sister and husband is draining my energy reserves. I feel like it is only going to get worse and I don't know if I can handle that.
🔸 B... that goddam kid. I found another homemade pipe when I did laundry Thursday... yes, another one. I hate the lying, the fighting, and the stupid ass shenanigans. That kid needs a reality check. R claims that he will be laying down the law when the kids get back from their aunts, but I don't know what that means to him. I have asked for drug testing and councelling for that boy and for R... so, we'll see.
🔸I know I am getting forced out of my job. I can feel it. I don't have the mental strength to do the things I need to do to deal with that. I need my resume updated, and I need to apply for the trillium program. I am terrified of what this change might bring. So very afraid. But everything else is holding me in a bad place, so this work crap just takes a back burner.
🔸 I feel very lazy, like I am allowing the pain to close me off from the rest of the world. I feel like I have lost my ability to fight. This worries me. The pain has taken so much away from me and now it is taking my strength. With my strength goes my happiness. It is harder and harder to find joy.
🔸 I am losing my marbles. Words get lost, thought processes are impaired, pain-induced Alzheimers plagues me. I try to make the best of it, smile at the forgetfullness and the mistakes... but it is saddening, especially since I know how smart I really am.
🔸 I am exhausted. I am not sleeping the quality, healing sleep I need. I go to bed exhausted - with full acknowledgement of how much my head really hurts: the pillow is too hard, the person beside me is breathing too loud, the cat is an obnoxious breather too, there is a lightning bold jumping around my skull, and the ringing in my ears is decidedly annoying. Lets not forget the aura - the brightness in my own eyes that negates having the lights off in the first place. Then I wake up exhausted. Wanting to stay under the covers, hiding from the light and the pain that doesn't go away but sleep escapes me. I am so tired, of it all.
All of this, and more I can't put my finger on, are driving me crazy. Crazy is bad for me. I have been there and would really like not to go back to that. I want someone to hold my hand and guide me through the things i have to do to keep my sanity. I can walk for hours if I could randomly close my eyes. Closing my eyes helps with the dizziness and pain management.
I want someone to fire off my resume for me because I am having a very hard time with the computer and the thought process required to build it myself.
I want their separation to be theirs and no one elses.
I want that boy to stay away from drugs, go to class, and stay out of trouble.
I want to go back to work, to my job that I enjoy (i think love is a strong work for that job, but I love being a cashier).
I want to sleep. And I want to wake up refreshed and pain free.
I want this migraine to go the fuck away.
Dragonfly 8/24/2014 09:24:00 AM