Sunday, December 27, 2015
Friendship: Realities and Fantasies
Its always about me, I truly know that, the way I treat people is the way I get treated in return. I shut down, I hide from sight, and I get ignored in return. I shouldn't be surprised every time it happens, yet I am.
It is so very hard when everyone I have ever been truly close to has walked away… or worse yet, died. Those people are the ones that I was comfortable enough with to be silly and vulnerable. And now that they are gone my silliness has gone with them, I gave them my best parts and now I have nothing left.
I fear being alone forever, and that is what I am attracting.
I have forgotten how to be social.
I have no real joy left, its all gone somewhere I can't figure out where, nor how to get it back.
And I am keeping a "friend" just because she says she wants to hang out with me but she is too opinionated and doesn't just listen. She is judgmental and opinionated, and doesn't have a silly bone in her body (anymore). All that ends up happening when I see/hang out with her is that I spend more money than I have, then I get all dressed out because I have overspent. And I haven't even had a good time. Why, oh why, do I even bother…. oh yeah… because I am alone and there is no one else!
I would love to have a group of girl friends, that we all hang out, standing lunch dates, talk, cards… whatever. Its something that I have always seen on tv, and never really been a part of… I mean there was a group of us in high school.. then I found out that they only allowed me to be a part of the group at school and didn't want me around outside of school… I was deliberately left out of activities and conversations. No wonder I don't open up now….
and every attempt to get 2 separate friends together has failed miserably. So I feel like I will never be a part of a group like that, so I hide from it, why strive for what will never be…
Yet, I still want it. I always wanted to be a part of something. Something bigger than what I have had. I don't know how to get it, or do that… and I try to hold onto whatever I can… maybe that's why I haven't told S to leave me alone. Maybe that's why I can't let go of him or his family… because I had what I wanted, someone to always be with… and now that he doesn't want me anymore I am having a hard time letting go.
I want more. I need to figure out how to get there.
It is so very hard when everyone I have ever been truly close to has walked away… or worse yet, died. Those people are the ones that I was comfortable enough with to be silly and vulnerable. And now that they are gone my silliness has gone with them, I gave them my best parts and now I have nothing left.
I fear being alone forever, and that is what I am attracting.
I have forgotten how to be social.
I have no real joy left, its all gone somewhere I can't figure out where, nor how to get it back.
And I am keeping a "friend" just because she says she wants to hang out with me but she is too opinionated and doesn't just listen. She is judgmental and opinionated, and doesn't have a silly bone in her body (anymore). All that ends up happening when I see/hang out with her is that I spend more money than I have, then I get all dressed out because I have overspent. And I haven't even had a good time. Why, oh why, do I even bother…. oh yeah… because I am alone and there is no one else!
I would love to have a group of girl friends, that we all hang out, standing lunch dates, talk, cards… whatever. Its something that I have always seen on tv, and never really been a part of… I mean there was a group of us in high school.. then I found out that they only allowed me to be a part of the group at school and didn't want me around outside of school… I was deliberately left out of activities and conversations. No wonder I don't open up now….
and every attempt to get 2 separate friends together has failed miserably. So I feel like I will never be a part of a group like that, so I hide from it, why strive for what will never be…
Yet, I still want it. I always wanted to be a part of something. Something bigger than what I have had. I don't know how to get it, or do that… and I try to hold onto whatever I can… maybe that's why I haven't told S to leave me alone. Maybe that's why I can't let go of him or his family… because I had what I wanted, someone to always be with… and now that he doesn't want me anymore I am having a hard time letting go.
I want more. I need to figure out how to get there.
Dragonfly 12/27/2015 11:45:00 AM