Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Time for Revelations
I was spreading about the benefits of journaling... And the benefits of writing about your emotions in regards to personal growth, mental health and over-all wellness in attitude and health. Writing out your feelings regarding the things that worry you can make drastic improvements in your daily life.
And I thought - I write often, I bitch and vent, cry as I type, I write in my paper journal and the same thing happens... So here I sit thinking about the things I want to improve about my self and my life...and the list is long.
Love life: well, this saddens me, I am madly in love with someone who neither wants me, nor speaks to me. I dream about him at least once a night. I am still devasted over the loss of that love, that future, the life lost - so my goal/hope is that I can be released from that love, that pain... Because I am having a really hard time pretending I am ok with it.
Work: I want something to fill in my hours, to bring me more money. That being said, I love my job, being a banker is fun, challenging and works for me...
How do I feel about needing another job - angry, upset, annoyed.. I feel like my life is ruined, uncertain, scary... Frightened of what happened and disappointed in the way things have turned out.I question my choices, and am having a hard time accepting the fact that I had to go with the information I had at the time I made that choice. I am afraid. My future is based on so much uncertainty.
Mental state: Well, that's questionable. I know I am struggling, but the things I am struggling with are real... Dad dying, and rob being gone. So... I am struggling, I am sad, lonely, scared and abandoned. I truly feel like I have no family left... I never see my siblings and they really don't talk to me... I have a mother I really think is a basket case. I can't trust her, I can't talk to her without it becoming an issue or common knowledge to everyone she sees and talks to... And a father who I have always been afraid of and had no idea how to talk to. So... I am alone, I truly feel abandoned and like an orphan.
Do I write my feelings? YES.
Do I feel like I it helps? No, although it does keep me in check, it's my emotional release so that I am not constantly burdening my friends with the same bullshit...
I don't have goals, I don't have dreams. I have worries and sadness... And I don't know how to start creating them... My goals are to not live in poverty, to have security as I age, to not have to worry about whether or not I can afford food, gas, car repairs when I need them. I want to be financially secure. That 's my goal... how do I get there. I have no idea???
Dragonfly 12/30/2015 06:57:00 PM