Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Illusions of Grandure
Remember when you were young and you lived in that fantasy world where everything was perfect, every conversation was smooth as glass, you never fumbled for words, and your relationships were long, loving and perfect... you know UTOPIA!!!
I still wish for that.
I know that what J and I had at the beginning was good and that we made it work, our time together was exciting and our conversations were intense and they never seemed strained or forced... I realy do miss that... I have missed it for a while.
Yet now... I think of the last year and especially the last 4 months and see that we have barely spoken about anything substantial, as much as I have tried to initiate conversation... and I have always been very honest with him... yet I do miss him, and I mourn the loss of us...
We have talked this week. It has gone ok..
I am torn as to accepting his help with my mothers move. I appreciate the offer, I really do. I seriously think my BROTHER should get his butt down here and finally help OUR mother with something as he has managed to avoid any dealings with her thus far... that boy ticks me off (but I digress)... Besides, I think I can find enough family to help. It should be ok.
Me... I'm OK.
I've been quiet at work. I'm emotionally drained, not depressed, just drained.
I sit at work at want to be at home, because at home I can go outside where the sunshine is...
I get home and there is an hour of sun but I feel bad because the cat and bird have been alone all day. so I stay in... but I have neglected my bike and I really need to exercise... I think this is a bizarre inner fight...
If only the bird would sit on the handle bars of the bike!!! That would solve half of the problem...
It has been a long day.
I am going to bed.
I still wish for that.
I know that what J and I had at the beginning was good and that we made it work, our time together was exciting and our conversations were intense and they never seemed strained or forced... I realy do miss that... I have missed it for a while.
Yet now... I think of the last year and especially the last 4 months and see that we have barely spoken about anything substantial, as much as I have tried to initiate conversation... and I have always been very honest with him... yet I do miss him, and I mourn the loss of us...
We have talked this week. It has gone ok..
I am torn as to accepting his help with my mothers move. I appreciate the offer, I really do. I seriously think my BROTHER should get his butt down here and finally help OUR mother with something as he has managed to avoid any dealings with her thus far... that boy ticks me off (but I digress)... Besides, I think I can find enough family to help. It should be ok.
Me... I'm OK.
I've been quiet at work. I'm emotionally drained, not depressed, just drained.
I sit at work at want to be at home, because at home I can go outside where the sunshine is...
I get home and there is an hour of sun but I feel bad because the cat and bird have been alone all day. so I stay in... but I have neglected my bike and I really need to exercise... I think this is a bizarre inner fight...
If only the bird would sit on the handle bars of the bike!!! That would solve half of the problem...
It has been a long day.
I am going to bed.
Dragonfly 5/11/2005 09:15:00 PM