Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Darkness in the Face of Happiness
I never thought anything of it. I was happy, there was nothing I couldn't do. It was like the world was my oyster and I the shiny pearl. There was nothing that could take my 'shine' away.
I have vague memories of coming home from work, bouncing around the apartment, thinking I shouldn't vacuum as it would disturb the others girls that live in the house. I barely slept, I hardly ate and I lacked the ability to concentrate on anything for any amount of time. I spent hours cleaning, playing video games, dancing around the room and a soon as I heard the girls up... then... I would vacuum. I was nothing if not considerate.
The problem lies in the irrational decisions that you make while manic.
Like going shopping.
I would go to Wal-mart and buy...well... I have no idea...
Or... Block-buster. Aaahhh... Movies. Even previously viewed you can spend a fortune - buying 6 at a time, I guess so... every day!
The most expensive thing I ever bought was my car.
I was bored so I went and bought a car and I had to buy out my lease at the same time... So not smart - but I didn't care.
Now I regret it.
I bought a my bed while manic too. That was a big purchase.
My Visa bill has been has only been big because my bank account was empty when my bills needed to be paid so I put bills on my Visa... My account was empty because it is so easy to Debit here...
Every time I finally start to ahead, something happens (like a major expense) or a manic cycle hits and I find myself staring at an empty bank account and my bills waiting again...
Right now I am OK.
But I await the upheaval that a manic cycle brings.
I live in fear of the coming storm.
And it terrifies me.
I have vague memories of coming home from work, bouncing around the apartment, thinking I shouldn't vacuum as it would disturb the others girls that live in the house. I barely slept, I hardly ate and I lacked the ability to concentrate on anything for any amount of time. I spent hours cleaning, playing video games, dancing around the room and a soon as I heard the girls up... then... I would vacuum. I was nothing if not considerate.
The problem lies in the irrational decisions that you make while manic.
Like going shopping.
I would go to Wal-mart and buy...well... I have no idea...
Or... Block-buster. Aaahhh... Movies. Even previously viewed you can spend a fortune - buying 6 at a time, I guess so... every day!
The most expensive thing I ever bought was my car.
I was bored so I went and bought a car and I had to buy out my lease at the same time... So not smart - but I didn't care.
Now I regret it.
I bought a my bed while manic too. That was a big purchase.
My Visa bill has been has only been big because my bank account was empty when my bills needed to be paid so I put bills on my Visa... My account was empty because it is so easy to Debit here...
Every time I finally start to ahead, something happens (like a major expense) or a manic cycle hits and I find myself staring at an empty bank account and my bills waiting again...
Right now I am OK.
But I await the upheaval that a manic cycle brings.
I live in fear of the coming storm.
And it terrifies me.
Dragonfly 9/28/2005 10:04:00 PM
4 Comments:
Don't the meds pretty much calm them down and allow you to be more rational when one hits?
I know that having clarity about the effects of one's actions is really hindered during a manic phase, but isn't there something to help?
I know that having clarity about the effects of one's actions is really hindered during a manic phase, but isn't there something to help?
The meds have lessened the severity of the manic episodes and they don't last as long.
Knowing what to look for and the signs of a manic cycle also help...
I wrote this as a reminder to myself as I have ben really hyper all week.
Knowing what to look for and the signs of a manic cycle also help...
I wrote this as a reminder to myself as I have ben really hyper all week.
As I sip from my expired cambell's soup, the only thing I get to eat for the next month b/c money is tight, I understand how you feel.
Thanks Paige.