Friday, November 04, 2005
Ironically...
I feel guilty for all the negativity I have been spewing. I despise that I feel this way. The fact that I can go to work and pretend to be happy and outgoing and "genuinely" show patrons that smile that shows I care when I say hello to them makes me want to stab myself repeatedly with a plastic spoon.
Yet... inside I mock them all. I cry when I don't balance at the end of shift, even though it is a paperwork error and I end up balancing anyway... I still cried.
I came home and had cake. I feel guilty about that too. The cake was good... the extra icing made it all the more sweet... now I feel like the aquafit class was a complete waste of my time.
I said I was going to bed an hour ago... but the sugar is still coursing through my veins and I find myself strangely alert.
I want to sleep but don't want to take an insomnia pill as I don't want to sleep all day tomorrow - I have to get up to go to see my therapist in the morning... that will be interesting. She'll tell me to take the pills.
The pills make me sleep... and they make me grumpy... like I need any help. I can do grumpy pretty good on my own right now.
I was told by a 70 year old man that I am a "keeper" and I should be beating boys back with sticks. They should be lining up around me, he said. I wanted to ask him where they were. I have been told for so many years - by some many people that I am a girl for marrying, not for fooling around with... So why aren't the guys lined up at my door?
Oh... and I had to take my car in today... it stalled in my driveway and has been hesitating on the gas pedal... I don't like that... It needed the throttle body cleaned. AND they found a screw in my tire... plus they checked all fluids, changed the oil and rotated the tires. I will need spark plugs soon too. But the guy said they are OK for now. I am starting to hate Maggie... She doesn't talk - but her silence is deafening. *um... yes.. I named my car Maggie... What? You got a problem with that? I have Simpsons car mats too!*
So... How was your day?
Yet... inside I mock them all. I cry when I don't balance at the end of shift, even though it is a paperwork error and I end up balancing anyway... I still cried.
I came home and had cake. I feel guilty about that too. The cake was good... the extra icing made it all the more sweet... now I feel like the aquafit class was a complete waste of my time.
I said I was going to bed an hour ago... but the sugar is still coursing through my veins and I find myself strangely alert.
I want to sleep but don't want to take an insomnia pill as I don't want to sleep all day tomorrow - I have to get up to go to see my therapist in the morning... that will be interesting. She'll tell me to take the pills.
The pills make me sleep... and they make me grumpy... like I need any help. I can do grumpy pretty good on my own right now.
I was told by a 70 year old man that I am a "keeper" and I should be beating boys back with sticks. They should be lining up around me, he said. I wanted to ask him where they were. I have been told for so many years - by some many people that I am a girl for marrying, not for fooling around with... So why aren't the guys lined up at my door?
Oh... and I had to take my car in today... it stalled in my driveway and has been hesitating on the gas pedal... I don't like that... It needed the throttle body cleaned. AND they found a screw in my tire... plus they checked all fluids, changed the oil and rotated the tires. I will need spark plugs soon too. But the guy said they are OK for now. I am starting to hate Maggie... She doesn't talk - but her silence is deafening. *um... yes.. I named my car Maggie... What? You got a problem with that? I have Simpsons car mats too!*
So... How was your day?
Dragonfly 11/04/2005 12:03:00 AM
