Tales From the Dark Side

I love that movie. I describes your own version of heaven, and hell. And that you create it yourself of the images that comfort or distress you the most in your life, or death.

Right now, I long for that comfort. Everyday I feel like I am losing all sense of control of everything in my life. Even the things that I am good at and usually don't have to worry about are slipping from my grasp... I keep making mistakes at work. Little mistakes that, as of yet - have not cost me anything, but mistakes nonetheless. I do not like the error making. I do not like losing control. I don't need to start making mistakes at work, now is not a good time for that... Not at all. And these mistakes cause me distress that I do not need right now.

I am aware that I am not God, I do not control everything that goes on in my life, but the strength that I felt only weeks ago is fading so quickly I fear it will never return. This is my fear, an emotion that is mine to possess as irrational as it may be, I am aware of it, and I know it is irrational to be afraid of losing control, but there it is regardless.

A work acquaintance commented that my life is one interesting, crazy life story after another. I asked her why I couldn't just lead a normal boring life. And she responded with a "because you wouldn't know how to handle that either."
I know that she's right. At least this way I have actually stories and events to take to my therapist and my Dr and relay to them WHY I am losing My FUCKING marbles. They have to know the entire story.
Only then will they give my the guidance and direction I need to get me out of the emotional mudhole I find myself stuck in. Mentally: I am neckdeep and finding it difficult to breath. Basically, I am on the verge of a major panic / anxiety attack or a nervous phucking breakdown. That's right, 3 days crying , in bed with 4 boxes of Scotties Brand tissues.

Well I say... Lets go for the breakdown... But I'll make it a 1.5 day long one... I have stuff to do this weekend... And I have to work tomorrow...

So I'll schedule it for late Friday afternoon until Saturday evening or early Sunday morning. I can give myself a 6 hour window... That's cool. That gives me time to get things done on Friday morning and then... Breakdown time. I'm all set!!! I even have the boxes of Scotties on hand.

I'm not ready to join the ranks of the suicides in the movie... hells no... I am pretty sure I scared the bejebers out of my sister tonight on IM with a comment tonight (sorry about that BTW *HUGS*)... I just want to be able to shut out the rest of my family. Make them all go away and have them lead their lives and not interact with me at all. Actually, I am ready to shut out the rest of the world. I just want to go about my life... Work, sleep aquafit and home without having to deal with anyone elses problems, insanity, or crisises... is that too much to ask?

I moved here, hours away from my family for school originally, and I stayed for a job. I lost my best friend, and the threads holding the remnants of my sanity together were unraveled in the months during her illness and death.
I stayed because of a job I enjoyed, amazing benefits and the distance I found from a family that adds insurmountable stress to my already fragile emotional core. I found a circle of support here that I had not found in my hometown (a place where I never truly felt like I belonged to begin with).

People tell me to take care of myself, how can I do that when those that I am supposed to love insist on getting into situations that warrant involvement on my part, or the part of another sibling?
Take care of yourself, DF!!! But would you be able to help!!!

Yup... I am a spineless insect... I will fly to your aide... Ask and you shall receive.
I will do your bidding.
I just hope I don't get fired along the way... Because who will be there to catch me when I fall?

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