Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Queen of the Damned
I have been looking for the right way to express how I have been really feeling lately - nothing has seemed appropriate. And none of my own words have been appropriate.
But in Anne Rice's The Vampire Armand I found it.
Something that soothed my soul.
And made the calm begin.
It's a prayer... Armands cry to God as he is dying, from a poison coursing through his blood, given him during a dual with a lover while he was mortal, before given the Dark Gift.
I turn to music in my darkest times to lift me up. I look to my favourite songs to clear my head, as if reaching to those words to give me the strength and wisdom to carry on. I know the demons that burden me, are all trivial, menial little tasks that in the grand scheme of things are burdens everyone has to bear, but to me, right now it is almost too overwhelming.
I read this today, while sitting in the waiting room of my psychiatrists office, waiting to tell her that I was having a hard time with my existence, and for no apparent reason.
I didn't have to tell her - she already knew. Yes - she's that good, besides anyone who knows me can see it on my face.
I'm an open book.
That's why I seclude myself.
That's why I put on a face in public.
I'm that good.
But sometimes it gets to be too much.
This week is too much.
But in Anne Rice's The Vampire Armand I found it.
Something that soothed my soul.
And made the calm begin.
It's a prayer... Armands cry to God as he is dying, from a poison coursing through his blood, given him during a dual with a lover while he was mortal, before given the Dark Gift.
Oh, Lord, if Thou wert music, this then would be Thy voice, and no discord could ever prevail against Thee. Thou wouldst cleanse the ordinary world of every troubling noise with this, the fullest expression of Thy most intricate and wondrous design, and all triviality would fade away, overwhelmed by this resounding perfection.
I turn to music in my darkest times to lift me up. I look to my favourite songs to clear my head, as if reaching to those words to give me the strength and wisdom to carry on. I know the demons that burden me, are all trivial, menial little tasks that in the grand scheme of things are burdens everyone has to bear, but to me, right now it is almost too overwhelming.
I read this today, while sitting in the waiting room of my psychiatrists office, waiting to tell her that I was having a hard time with my existence, and for no apparent reason.
I didn't have to tell her - she already knew. Yes - she's that good, besides anyone who knows me can see it on my face.
I'm an open book.
That's why I seclude myself.
That's why I put on a face in public.
I'm that good.
But sometimes it gets to be too much.
This week is too much.
Oh, Lord, if Thou wert music, this then would be Thy voice, and no discord could ever prevail against Thee. Thou wouldst cleanse the ordinary world of every troubling noise with this, the fullest expression of Thy most intricate and wondrous design, and all triviality would fade away, overwhelmed by this resounding perfection.
Dragonfly 4/05/2006 01:51:00 PM
1 Comments:
Oh chica, as you know, I completely understand. I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you figure your brain out. I still need to make an appointment for myself.
Why do our brains do this? "and for no apparent reason" - that's the kicker of it all! It'd be easier if there were specific reasons, but... Little things throw me too, I almost handle the big things in life, like death, better than the "menial little tasks."
Sending my support and thanking you again for being there for me when I needed friends (e-friends count!).
Why do our brains do this? "and for no apparent reason" - that's the kicker of it all! It'd be easier if there were specific reasons, but... Little things throw me too, I almost handle the big things in life, like death, better than the "menial little tasks."
Sending my support and thanking you again for being there for me when I needed friends (e-friends count!).
