Sunday, June 18, 2006
Memoirs of a Geisha
There's something to be said for clarity...
can you hear me now...
good.
I have been thinking about my life lately. Things I like about it.. Things I don't.
Where I am, and where I would like to be.
This is what I have come up with.
My Home... for the last 5 years (or more) I have lived in one bad place after another. I left a great apartment (OK it was hot in the winter, and hot in the summer... but it was a great place, it was clean, and close to everything I liked) and moved in with a friend. That friend was the devil in disguise. Then I moved into the dungeon, that became my pit of despair, I lived there in semi-happiness where my existence was just that... An existence. I tried to make it a home, but I was always the girl downstairs. When I decided to move I moved into a house, with one issue after another.
Next week, I move again.
This time, it is home. Quiet, comfortable, airy and mine. A house, but an apartment at the same time. I already feel more comfortable there than I ever have anywhere else I have lived.
I would like to be there now.
My Job... I have been in the same job for 8 years and 1 month. And I have to say... I don't hate it. I really don't. I have found a shift I like, it fits my lifestyle now. I enjoy the people I work with. The customers will always be the people they are, and if I can make someone happy then my job is done. I have no idea what else I would do, I know I would survive, but I really like the job. Doing it forever... No. But for now, the benefits are fantastic and as long as I don't hate it, I think I am a step ahead of the crazy train! Whoo hoo!
My Body... I don't see what everyone else sees. I am not comfortable in my own body or my own skin. But then again, I am not comfortable in my own head most days, so this makes sense. Maybe. Clothes intimidate me. Form fitting scares me, as I still see the rolls and bumps, and I don't trust that others will say they exist. Am I making myself sick... no... I know this is a self-image/self-esteem problem, that's what I am in therapy.
My Love Life... I am not lonely... the voices in my head are company enough. I don't need a man to be complete. And no.. that isn't a mantra. I don't need a woman either. I have to be comfortable with who I am before I can include another person in my "so-called" life. So...when the time comes for me to start looking, then I will look. But in the meantime, I will covet from afar. If he happens to come into my life sooner than anticipated, so be it. I mean - who am I to argue with fate.
My Chaos Theory... I hate it. Yet it follows me around. And it hits me hard. It's not just one thing I get hit with at one time, it's a couple. My problem ,and another I am working on in therapy, is that I get overwhelmed and run-away, both physically and emotionally. So... I write, I blog, I vent. And I may still be overwhelmed.. but I can function. And functioning is the main goal of my existance. Do I want the chaos to leave me alone? Of course! Will it? No, only how I deal with it will. If I can do it alone... well! Yeah for me!
My Friends... I have more than I realize. Some I would give my first born too... and that is saying a lot being as I don't want kids - so that friend would actually get a kid! hehehe... and others I would like to be as good a friend to them as they are too me. Because they are so good to me, I only wish I am half as good to them.
My Family... I love them, because they are my family. I am thankful they live where they do and I live where I do. The distance between us is geographic and mental and we all get alone better that way. They have no idea who I am and I don't want them to know. Yes, it's a choice, but they choose not to share their lives with me as well, so as a family we tend to have the same bizarre thinking. They are pretty good at ignoring what I have to say anyway, so not communicating with them at all is actually easier and less stressful.
My Bi-Polar... yup, it's a label, yup, it is part of who I am. Yup, it defines many of the decisions I have made concerning my present and my future. Everything I do is relative to this mental condition. My current mood is either a deterrent or a facilitater to the situations I can face and the lengths I will go to... like shopping. (Prime example - taking me shopping when I am tired leads to a grumpy DF who will NOT try anything on that she doesn't like on the hanger. See how that works!) I can fake my mood all I want, but eventually it just gets too much. That's why I like the song Flawed Design.. I don't feel like I lie to everyone... I just lie to myself, everyday. My friends call me on it though. They know better. I Know what I live with, I don't want to live with it anymore, and I can't ignore it, I can't make it go away. Just taking pills everyday isn't enough. That's why I write, that's why I have my blogs. That's why I am who I am. I have bi-polar. But I am me. Take me as I am, or leave me. I'm a work in progress. But I am figuring it out.
My Changes... This makes no sense in my head either... but I will try. I would like to be honest with my mood, but that could get me fired. I don't want to go on leave again, I don't want it thrown in my face either during conversations. Leave of absence is NOT an option unless my DOCTOR insists I not go to work (which is what happend last time). I would like to stop using my friends as therapists, and start having conversations that don't always revolve around me. I want to learn the difference between asking for help on important things, and asking for help when I need a friend to listen. I would like longer days, more time, to be moved already, did I mention... more hours in the day... I would like to close my ees and see the sunset or Bec, but all I see is black - nothing, a void. I don't have those visions. The only images I get are in my dreams.
I think this post is long enough.
can you hear me now...
good.
I have been thinking about my life lately. Things I like about it.. Things I don't.
Where I am, and where I would like to be.
This is what I have come up with.
My Home... for the last 5 years (or more) I have lived in one bad place after another. I left a great apartment (OK it was hot in the winter, and hot in the summer... but it was a great place, it was clean, and close to everything I liked) and moved in with a friend. That friend was the devil in disguise. Then I moved into the dungeon, that became my pit of despair, I lived there in semi-happiness where my existence was just that... An existence. I tried to make it a home, but I was always the girl downstairs. When I decided to move I moved into a house, with one issue after another.
Next week, I move again.
This time, it is home. Quiet, comfortable, airy and mine. A house, but an apartment at the same time. I already feel more comfortable there than I ever have anywhere else I have lived.
I would like to be there now.
My Job... I have been in the same job for 8 years and 1 month. And I have to say... I don't hate it. I really don't. I have found a shift I like, it fits my lifestyle now. I enjoy the people I work with. The customers will always be the people they are, and if I can make someone happy then my job is done. I have no idea what else I would do, I know I would survive, but I really like the job. Doing it forever... No. But for now, the benefits are fantastic and as long as I don't hate it, I think I am a step ahead of the crazy train! Whoo hoo!
My Body... I don't see what everyone else sees. I am not comfortable in my own body or my own skin. But then again, I am not comfortable in my own head most days, so this makes sense. Maybe. Clothes intimidate me. Form fitting scares me, as I still see the rolls and bumps, and I don't trust that others will say they exist. Am I making myself sick... no... I know this is a self-image/self-esteem problem, that's what I am in therapy.
My Love Life... I am not lonely... the voices in my head are company enough. I don't need a man to be complete. And no.. that isn't a mantra. I don't need a woman either. I have to be comfortable with who I am before I can include another person in my "so-called" life. So...when the time comes for me to start looking, then I will look. But in the meantime, I will covet from afar. If he happens to come into my life sooner than anticipated, so be it. I mean - who am I to argue with fate.
My Chaos Theory... I hate it. Yet it follows me around. And it hits me hard. It's not just one thing I get hit with at one time, it's a couple. My problem ,and another I am working on in therapy, is that I get overwhelmed and run-away, both physically and emotionally. So... I write, I blog, I vent. And I may still be overwhelmed.. but I can function. And functioning is the main goal of my existance. Do I want the chaos to leave me alone? Of course! Will it? No, only how I deal with it will. If I can do it alone... well! Yeah for me!
My Friends... I have more than I realize. Some I would give my first born too... and that is saying a lot being as I don't want kids - so that friend would actually get a kid! hehehe... and others I would like to be as good a friend to them as they are too me. Because they are so good to me, I only wish I am half as good to them.
My Family... I love them, because they are my family. I am thankful they live where they do and I live where I do. The distance between us is geographic and mental and we all get alone better that way. They have no idea who I am and I don't want them to know. Yes, it's a choice, but they choose not to share their lives with me as well, so as a family we tend to have the same bizarre thinking. They are pretty good at ignoring what I have to say anyway, so not communicating with them at all is actually easier and less stressful.
My Bi-Polar... yup, it's a label, yup, it is part of who I am. Yup, it defines many of the decisions I have made concerning my present and my future. Everything I do is relative to this mental condition. My current mood is either a deterrent or a facilitater to the situations I can face and the lengths I will go to... like shopping. (Prime example - taking me shopping when I am tired leads to a grumpy DF who will NOT try anything on that she doesn't like on the hanger. See how that works!) I can fake my mood all I want, but eventually it just gets too much. That's why I like the song Flawed Design.. I don't feel like I lie to everyone... I just lie to myself, everyday. My friends call me on it though. They know better. I Know what I live with, I don't want to live with it anymore, and I can't ignore it, I can't make it go away. Just taking pills everyday isn't enough. That's why I write, that's why I have my blogs. That's why I am who I am. I have bi-polar. But I am me. Take me as I am, or leave me. I'm a work in progress. But I am figuring it out.
My Changes... This makes no sense in my head either... but I will try. I would like to be honest with my mood, but that could get me fired. I don't want to go on leave again, I don't want it thrown in my face either during conversations. Leave of absence is NOT an option unless my DOCTOR insists I not go to work (which is what happend last time). I would like to stop using my friends as therapists, and start having conversations that don't always revolve around me. I want to learn the difference between asking for help on important things, and asking for help when I need a friend to listen. I would like longer days, more time, to be moved already, did I mention... more hours in the day... I would like to close my ees and see the sunset or Bec, but all I see is black - nothing, a void. I don't have those visions. The only images I get are in my dreams.
I think this post is long enough.
Dragonfly 6/18/2006 08:39:00 PM