Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Does Anyone Care that it's Tuesday?
I certainly don't.
My life has become a blur from one day to the next.
I have no inclination to do anything, see anyone, leave my house or be the magnificent creature that my friends believe me to be.
One friend is still not speaking to me.
I get the occasional forwarded e-mail.
I worry about Phoenix - that I can't help her and be there in the same way that she has been here for me.
I am afraid that the decision I have made will affect the future choices I have.
Let me rephrase - I had my surgery.
Now I wonder if what I had done will make it harder for me to find a "mate". Yes I know I made this choice - but the question still prevails.
My inability to bear children could be the deciding factor in whether or not a relationship continues.
It isn't that I never thought of this before - it's just something I never wrote down.
I think I have had every single thought about this surgery - and obviously I went through with it, i don't regret it, I sometimes feel like I am the only one who understands what I have done.
My mood isn't really any better.
I think the anxiety is better, but I still feel depressed.
I miss too many people to count.
and I have way to many regrets about the way I am living my life at this exact moment.
I haven't been eating properly.
I haven't been going to the gym.
I leave my house as little as possible.
I don't clean enough.
The bird cage is a mess.
And
I don't care.
I think that is the worst part.
I just don't care.
My life has become a blur from one day to the next.
I have no inclination to do anything, see anyone, leave my house or be the magnificent creature that my friends believe me to be.
One friend is still not speaking to me.
I get the occasional forwarded e-mail.
I worry about Phoenix - that I can't help her and be there in the same way that she has been here for me.
I am afraid that the decision I have made will affect the future choices I have.
Let me rephrase - I had my surgery.
Now I wonder if what I had done will make it harder for me to find a "mate". Yes I know I made this choice - but the question still prevails.
My inability to bear children could be the deciding factor in whether or not a relationship continues.
It isn't that I never thought of this before - it's just something I never wrote down.
I think I have had every single thought about this surgery - and obviously I went through with it, i don't regret it, I sometimes feel like I am the only one who understands what I have done.
My mood isn't really any better.
I think the anxiety is better, but I still feel depressed.
I miss too many people to count.
and I have way to many regrets about the way I am living my life at this exact moment.
I haven't been eating properly.
I haven't been going to the gym.
I leave my house as little as possible.
I don't clean enough.
The bird cage is a mess.
And
I don't care.
I think that is the worst part.
I just don't care.
Dragonfly 4/03/2007 01:17:00 PM
1 Comments:
Never think this decision was not the right one. You did what was best for you and that my friend is not being selfish either. Remember that you can not be anything other than yourself and that includes your decisions. I know you don't regret the decision but don't second guess it either. You know I have children adn that is best for me...BUT NOT FOR YOU. So you have told me, over the years. This is a brave and kind decision for everyone. I Love you for doing it..it just shows you have the strength to make the BIG decisions. And there is no right or wrong...no one can or should judge you by this...because this is what you needed to do for you.
