Tales From the Dark Side

i think sadness and loneliness are the same thing.
most of the time.
i know i feel sad, i have many things that cause that emotion.
i know i am lonely, i can sense the difference when i am hanging out with a friend or alone in my apartment.
i think a person can be lost in more ways than one.
geographically - that's a given and the easiest to solve if you have the balls to ask someone for help.
emotionally - more difficult to figure out, not knowing where you fit in or how to be attached to yourself or your family. just not knowing what to say can increase that lost feeling.
physically - having once been in a relationship and being betrayed, abandoned, or heart-broken. that type of loss is all consuming.

i am lost.
i don't know where i belong. this apartment does not feel like it belongs to me. it can so easily be taken away. my friends are all abandoning me, causing me to pull away from them and the ones that are here.

i am losing my family. mom is sick and won't take it as seriously as it is. my father has a new life. my brother has a whole family and world of his own. my sister has to many things on her plate and keeps herself emotionally distant from me for fear of setting me off. they all protect me, because to them i am a 34 year-old child in need that wall. too fragile, in their eyes, to be a part of the real world. it isn't any wonder why i am lost.

i think i am tired of fighting this fight alone.
funny, i choose to battle on.
even though i am lost.
i think i want to discover where i am and who i can be.

Labels: emotions, lost, self-discovery