Thursday, March 03, 2011
The Turmoil Within
I am absolutely positive that my mood is stable...
I just find myself in a new life, with more responsibility than I feel I am capable of.. and someone who doesn't seem to understand that I can't do everything myself.
I said to a work friend today that I like the kids - but I don't like being a parent... I hate having to tell them what to do, when to do it and making them do it. I have a hard enough time making myself do stuff.
i doubt they would believe me.
As for my boyfriend... i love him. i ache when he is aching, i feel safe and relaxed while in his arms...
I feel like he isn't talking to me.
I feel lonely. the thought of coming home to the emptiness causes me distress. and sadness... but i am still happy, i enjoy sunshine and the cats, and driving. Commercials and tv are funny and sad... my mood is good.. its the house.
The computer and FB has gotten in the way of our relationship.. he doesn't talk to me. the chaos of the house, the mess and MY having to be the initiator of cleaning an organizing is getting in the way. I hate the house. The energy is wrong. he knows i hate it and he hasn't done anything about it without my nagging.
I don't want to nag anyone.
I want to live with someone who sees that the floor needs to be vacuumed and does it, someone that automatically takes a turn cleaning the bathroom, that sees a load of laundry waiting to be folded and does it without being asked.
I have had a migraine for 64 days.
I am afraid it is stress from not talking about the things that I want and need.
Its scary, because i have had headaches like this before. in college... it was stress... i am back on the preventative. so far it isn't working. i have been on this med before. can't remember which effect it had. don't think this dose is strong enough to do anything though.
Had to put the dog down yesterday. Suckiest thing ever. the worst part was B's screaming to bring his dog home when he called while R and I were at the vet (TCB). I feel so bad for that kid. He seriously didn't have any idea that the dog was that sick... A understood. and is sad... but B is devastated. He clings to the poor cats now.. afraid that they will go outside and not come back. I would rather that than watching them get old, have strokes and having to put them down... cause that's just horrible.
Too much sucks right now.
Too much negative.
Miss my solitude. Miss my non cluttery house. Miss my freedom.
Feel bound to house and children i don't want.
Bound to responsibility for other human beings. its scary.
I just find myself in a new life, with more responsibility than I feel I am capable of.. and someone who doesn't seem to understand that I can't do everything myself.
I said to a work friend today that I like the kids - but I don't like being a parent... I hate having to tell them what to do, when to do it and making them do it. I have a hard enough time making myself do stuff.
i doubt they would believe me.
As for my boyfriend... i love him. i ache when he is aching, i feel safe and relaxed while in his arms...
I feel like he isn't talking to me.
I feel lonely. the thought of coming home to the emptiness causes me distress. and sadness... but i am still happy, i enjoy sunshine and the cats, and driving. Commercials and tv are funny and sad... my mood is good.. its the house.
The computer and FB has gotten in the way of our relationship.. he doesn't talk to me. the chaos of the house, the mess and MY having to be the initiator of cleaning an organizing is getting in the way. I hate the house. The energy is wrong. he knows i hate it and he hasn't done anything about it without my nagging.
I don't want to nag anyone.
I want to live with someone who sees that the floor needs to be vacuumed and does it, someone that automatically takes a turn cleaning the bathroom, that sees a load of laundry waiting to be folded and does it without being asked.
I have had a migraine for 64 days.
I am afraid it is stress from not talking about the things that I want and need.
Its scary, because i have had headaches like this before. in college... it was stress... i am back on the preventative. so far it isn't working. i have been on this med before. can't remember which effect it had. don't think this dose is strong enough to do anything though.
Had to put the dog down yesterday. Suckiest thing ever. the worst part was B's screaming to bring his dog home when he called while R and I were at the vet (TCB). I feel so bad for that kid. He seriously didn't have any idea that the dog was that sick... A understood. and is sad... but B is devastated. He clings to the poor cats now.. afraid that they will go outside and not come back. I would rather that than watching them get old, have strokes and having to put them down... cause that's just horrible.
Too much sucks right now.
Too much negative.
Miss my solitude. Miss my non cluttery house. Miss my freedom.
Feel bound to house and children i don't want.
Bound to responsibility for other human beings. its scary.
Dragonfly 3/03/2011 11:04:00 PM