Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Hell is now my home
Well, it certainly feels like it anyway.
My mood is shit, I am bitter and ready to scream and fight, but not argue. I am so full of negativity that it is spilling out of me uncontrollably. I am disgruntled and sad, and powerless over my self, my pain and my mood. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth and sadly that is out of my control. I am so adamantly sticking to this motherfucking diet that it is driving me crazy... the things I see and want and cant have make me what to scream...
it doesn't help that the boy and the kids keep bringing this into the house and waving it in front of my face.
I hate dieting because of the things that are denied, and this is torturous.
I feel also like I am salt and sugar deprived and the carbs I do get to indulge in are just not the same. And as scary as it sounds the gluten free crap is higher in calories and fat... that's crazy to me.
It is so hard right now. My head is pounding and full of pressure. My anger has given me energy to move but my head wont allow it. My stomach feel so unsatisfied and my heart is broken as we clean up after one of the 2 family members that passed last month. I am surrounded by people who keep the true feelings bottled up and who aren't as compassionate as the could be. I am tired of being the only one who cares about the state we live in, and I have a renewed sense of fear that this migraine is caused and perpetuated by the mold, and unknown agents spewing forth from the disaster of a bathroom. I also feel powerless to do anything about it as it isn't my house (regardless of what he says) and it isn't my money that will be paying for the repairs/remodel.
This is crazy
this hell i find myself in.
and i can't even say its in my head
i am a product of my environment
and there is too much for me to process without the insanity snaking its way through the core of my synapses.
I yearn for peace
I yearn for sanity
i yearn to end the suffering.
I yearn for heaven, not hell.
My mood is shit, I am bitter and ready to scream and fight, but not argue. I am so full of negativity that it is spilling out of me uncontrollably. I am disgruntled and sad, and powerless over my self, my pain and my mood. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth and sadly that is out of my control. I am so adamantly sticking to this motherfucking diet that it is driving me crazy... the things I see and want and cant have make me what to scream...
it doesn't help that the boy and the kids keep bringing this into the house and waving it in front of my face.
I hate dieting because of the things that are denied, and this is torturous.
I feel also like I am salt and sugar deprived and the carbs I do get to indulge in are just not the same. And as scary as it sounds the gluten free crap is higher in calories and fat... that's crazy to me.
It is so hard right now. My head is pounding and full of pressure. My anger has given me energy to move but my head wont allow it. My stomach feel so unsatisfied and my heart is broken as we clean up after one of the 2 family members that passed last month. I am surrounded by people who keep the true feelings bottled up and who aren't as compassionate as the could be. I am tired of being the only one who cares about the state we live in, and I have a renewed sense of fear that this migraine is caused and perpetuated by the mold, and unknown agents spewing forth from the disaster of a bathroom. I also feel powerless to do anything about it as it isn't my house (regardless of what he says) and it isn't my money that will be paying for the repairs/remodel.
This is crazy
this hell i find myself in.
and i can't even say its in my head
i am a product of my environment
and there is too much for me to process without the insanity snaking its way through the core of my synapses.
I yearn for peace
I yearn for sanity
i yearn to end the suffering.
I yearn for heaven, not hell.
Dragonfly 6/07/2011 08:46:00 PM