Tuesday, January 22, 2013
How many times before I get it Right?
This is getting ridiculous.
I lie in bed at night exhausted, and wide awake. Waiting for something to click.
And I have these epiphanies that seem so clear, so thought provoking, and so profound. But I know that as soon as I turn on the light, grab a pen and my journal they will be lost. There is no way I can type on the iPad fast enough to get the thoughts down either. Even this keyboard takers a minute to set up and that is too long
My mind is going... my sanity and my clarity. My memory, both long and short. I feel like I am living in a fog. Behind a mirror, where things go out, but nothing comes back, its all reflected off the glass that is me, never to be thought again.
I hate this. I know the medication is doing something, because things are still funny, sad, thought provoking, mindless... but I am so close to tears all the time. I cry myself to sleep, lost in thought. I am angry too... at all the things I have lost, the time, money, fun times...Just going to a movie means taking a narcotic... a pain killer so I can stand the noise for 2 hours. I hate that I get so sad while driving... that I still want to drive off the skyway, that the pain is too much to bear. I keep scaring myself more and more.
And I am terrified of becoming addicted to this stuff. To all of it. It is so bad for me. For anyone. And I almost have an unlimited supply.
And I am still afraid to tell Rob how I feel... I did mention that I don't like being introduced as his girlfriend. But I don't think he gets how I really feel about it.
Th insanity is growing.
My list of fears grows daily.
My memory fades more each day.
The wall gets higher with each pill I take.
And the fear for myself gets deeper.
Maybe I should admit myself into the psych ward.
I lie in bed at night exhausted, and wide awake. Waiting for something to click.
And I have these epiphanies that seem so clear, so thought provoking, and so profound. But I know that as soon as I turn on the light, grab a pen and my journal they will be lost. There is no way I can type on the iPad fast enough to get the thoughts down either. Even this keyboard takers a minute to set up and that is too long
My mind is going... my sanity and my clarity. My memory, both long and short. I feel like I am living in a fog. Behind a mirror, where things go out, but nothing comes back, its all reflected off the glass that is me, never to be thought again.
I hate this. I know the medication is doing something, because things are still funny, sad, thought provoking, mindless... but I am so close to tears all the time. I cry myself to sleep, lost in thought. I am angry too... at all the things I have lost, the time, money, fun times...Just going to a movie means taking a narcotic... a pain killer so I can stand the noise for 2 hours. I hate that I get so sad while driving... that I still want to drive off the skyway, that the pain is too much to bear. I keep scaring myself more and more.
And I am terrified of becoming addicted to this stuff. To all of it. It is so bad for me. For anyone. And I almost have an unlimited supply.
And I am still afraid to tell Rob how I feel... I did mention that I don't like being introduced as his girlfriend. But I don't think he gets how I really feel about it.
Th insanity is growing.
My list of fears grows daily.
My memory fades more each day.
The wall gets higher with each pill I take.
And the fear for myself gets deeper.
Maybe I should admit myself into the psych ward.
Dragonfly 1/22/2013 12:30:00 PM