Wednesday, January 09, 2013
What happened to enjoying the holidays???
This has certainly been an interesting and stressful couple of weeks.
Melissa breaking up with me, Robs dad passed away (resulting in 2 trips back and forth to Sudbury in a week) and LeeAnns baby shower in London. Plus a migraine, doctors appointments... and the little house still isn't rented.
I don't know why my body hasn't shut down. I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for... its not getting easier, its just survival.
I still feel like I have lost my voice... lost control of the things I love to do and that I want to do... i have been sucked into their worlds and fulfilling their needs over mine. I don't mean for that to selfish... but when do I get to learn something new, or go hang with friends and not be responsible for them... I guess never.
I miss casualness... and just being surrounded by all the stress has made me realize that.
It has also made me realize that I need to be acknowledged as something other than the "girlfriend". It actually hurts my feelings when he says that. I never thought it would. But it does...
I came into Christmas stressing about how everyone would receive their gifts, to feeling further from the family than i thought possible.
I can blame Melissa for putting it back in my head... moving out would be better for my health...
No.
Moving out is running away without facing my true feelings.
Admitting how much I want to be a part of his family.
And that I don't want to stay silent. I am afraid that if i do open my mouth and say what is truly on my mind I will regret it, just like I always do.
My feelings/thoughts/actions tend to blow up in my face and I can't handle disturbing the peace that i think we have.
I know he loves me.
And I him.
Is that truly enough????
Melissa breaking up with me, Robs dad passed away (resulting in 2 trips back and forth to Sudbury in a week) and LeeAnns baby shower in London. Plus a migraine, doctors appointments... and the little house still isn't rented.
I don't know why my body hasn't shut down. I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for... its not getting easier, its just survival.
I still feel like I have lost my voice... lost control of the things I love to do and that I want to do... i have been sucked into their worlds and fulfilling their needs over mine. I don't mean for that to selfish... but when do I get to learn something new, or go hang with friends and not be responsible for them... I guess never.
I miss casualness... and just being surrounded by all the stress has made me realize that.
It has also made me realize that I need to be acknowledged as something other than the "girlfriend". It actually hurts my feelings when he says that. I never thought it would. But it does...
I came into Christmas stressing about how everyone would receive their gifts, to feeling further from the family than i thought possible.
I can blame Melissa for putting it back in my head... moving out would be better for my health...
No.
Moving out is running away without facing my true feelings.
Admitting how much I want to be a part of his family.
And that I don't want to stay silent. I am afraid that if i do open my mouth and say what is truly on my mind I will regret it, just like I always do.
My feelings/thoughts/actions tend to blow up in my face and I can't handle disturbing the peace that i think we have.
I know he loves me.
And I him.
Is that truly enough????
Dragonfly 1/09/2013 04:39:00 PM