Sunday, April 21, 2013
I finally know what its like to be terrified
Thanks to a teenager I finally know terror.
When he rages and punches walls - the fridge - however he lashes out - I tremble... i go into self-reservation mode. The adrenaline courses through me and I see black - I lash out to protect myself.
He is angry because he got himself grounded. Drug use... never good. He made a mess in the kitchen and was asked to clean it up... he used a cloth on the glass stove top - even though they have been asked / told not to (its not good for it) and was told to redo it properly... while i was watching... when i corrected him he lost it... through the paper towel and punched the fridge... i lost it too... i pushed him and i think my intention was to keep pushing him up stairs... but it turned into a full arm punch - from elbow to hand across his back and shoulder... he then tried to walk out the door... i had to stand up to him - my voice full volume... all the while shaking like a fucking leaf - terrified he was going to punch me - or the wall behind me. He's so much bigger than me, its scary.
I have told Rob that I am afraid of him. I hate to say it, but its true. He will lose control one day. He will. I already told Rob I would call the police on him.
He said some horrible things... like I don't deserve to be a parent, that I don't know how to be one. I know he was angry and to be honest, I really don't give a shit. He can't say anything to me that I haven't already said to myself. I told him it didn't matter what he said, that I loved him anyway... and he asked why, why do I love him. He's a good kid. He's kind, compassionate, hard-working, funny, adorable, great smile. What's not to love - oh yeah THE VIOLENT RAGE!
I had to tell him that I was terrified of him. That he scares the crap out of me. And that hitting the wall/fridge/whatever is a form of intimidation, and abuse. He needs to learn to say that he's angry before it becomes physical and give himself a timeout. I also said it is NEVER ok to hit/punch a wall/table/fridge/person. It is unacceptable behaviour all the time...
The adrenaline is finally wearing off... my head is hurting again, and i'm not shaking as much.
Funny - he asked me if I knew anything about the human brain - the way people work... Yeah, i fucking now. I know more about psychology than that child does.
I hate being scared. It makes me feel like a child. Like nothing is in my control, that I am insignificant and alone, and that I am a victim... always going to be victimized by everyone around me. It makes me feel crazy, and weak, and frightened.
Today sucks. Today I hate my life. Today I want to hide and be invisible. Today I want to die. I am embarrassed of my behavior. I feel like I have failed Rob and I have failed as a "parent" (whatever the fuck that is).
Help me..
When he rages and punches walls - the fridge - however he lashes out - I tremble... i go into self-reservation mode. The adrenaline courses through me and I see black - I lash out to protect myself.
He is angry because he got himself grounded. Drug use... never good. He made a mess in the kitchen and was asked to clean it up... he used a cloth on the glass stove top - even though they have been asked / told not to (its not good for it) and was told to redo it properly... while i was watching... when i corrected him he lost it... through the paper towel and punched the fridge... i lost it too... i pushed him and i think my intention was to keep pushing him up stairs... but it turned into a full arm punch - from elbow to hand across his back and shoulder... he then tried to walk out the door... i had to stand up to him - my voice full volume... all the while shaking like a fucking leaf - terrified he was going to punch me - or the wall behind me. He's so much bigger than me, its scary.
I have told Rob that I am afraid of him. I hate to say it, but its true. He will lose control one day. He will. I already told Rob I would call the police on him.
He said some horrible things... like I don't deserve to be a parent, that I don't know how to be one. I know he was angry and to be honest, I really don't give a shit. He can't say anything to me that I haven't already said to myself. I told him it didn't matter what he said, that I loved him anyway... and he asked why, why do I love him. He's a good kid. He's kind, compassionate, hard-working, funny, adorable, great smile. What's not to love - oh yeah THE VIOLENT RAGE!
I had to tell him that I was terrified of him. That he scares the crap out of me. And that hitting the wall/fridge/whatever is a form of intimidation, and abuse. He needs to learn to say that he's angry before it becomes physical and give himself a timeout. I also said it is NEVER ok to hit/punch a wall/table/fridge/person. It is unacceptable behaviour all the time...
The adrenaline is finally wearing off... my head is hurting again, and i'm not shaking as much.
Funny - he asked me if I knew anything about the human brain - the way people work... Yeah, i fucking now. I know more about psychology than that child does.
I hate being scared. It makes me feel like a child. Like nothing is in my control, that I am insignificant and alone, and that I am a victim... always going to be victimized by everyone around me. It makes me feel crazy, and weak, and frightened.
Today sucks. Today I hate my life. Today I want to hide and be invisible. Today I want to die. I am embarrassed of my behavior. I feel like I have failed Rob and I have failed as a "parent" (whatever the fuck that is).
Help me..
Dragonfly 4/21/2013 01:32:00 PM