Saturday, October 05, 2013
This is New??
i'm bored.
um... what?? really? How did this happen?
Apparently the medication I was on has been muting all my emotions, making me lazy and docile. I have been living in a drug induced fog, not able to show interest in anything. I had forgotten that medication can work both ways, sure I don't want to be depressed and crying, but I don't want to be stuck in a bottle... emotions should be expressed.
Sure now I am pissed off and frustrated. But I have had a migraine,non-stop, for almost 3 years.
I also live with 2 teenagers who are lazy and unhealthy. Basically they are teenagers... and I can't "parent" them... and R doesn't parent them either. He has gone silent so as not to yell and scream all the time. I understand where he's coming from but they need to hear from him that their behaviour and attitude isn't acceptable. I just feel like they don't give a shit at all about anything.
So frustrated is ok, acceptable even.
I can't have sex without it making the pain worse
I don't have a pain relieving medication that works to any degree.
I have a psychiatrist who doesn't care about the migraine and only wants to talk about my mood, not caring that my mood is only bad because I have a fucking migraine.
I have a family physician who is tired of my face, thanks to the endless notes and referrals.
I have a pain specialist who is amazing and who can't help me.
I have a migraine specialist who doesn't care about everything I have already done and insists on sticking to her own schedule... even though those meds have been tried and been unsuccessful.
I have been denied LTD and have to appeal that decision and hope that they will pay me, because money and lack of it is stressing me out.
I am waiting to see if I qualify for EI... and that they give me money.
I have a car that may or may not start at any given time.
I am constantly nauseated, tired and in pain.
I do not want to fight with people anymore, especially the people I live with... so I push too hard, I do the dishes, wash the floors, vacuum, make meals and do the laundry.
I miss my family. I want to have more to talk about than the pain and what I may or may not be doing to get better. I want to escape from the pain. I want to have fun and enjoy life. I am tired of being limited in what I can and can not do comfortably.
I miss working.
I miss having a purpose.
I miss escaping from the stress of having a family of teenagers.
I miss my friends.
I am depressed, but I am capable of justifying it and understanding that I have a reason for feeling down. I am also capable of understanding that my past does not bind me to that diagnosis. My past has given me that tools to stay healthy, even if the defining cause of the depression is not within my control.
I try to stay positive. I want to be positive. But my happiness meter is at an all time low... and I am at a loss as to how to replenish it.
So... today I am bored.
Dragonfly 10/05/2013 06:11:00 PM