Tales From the Dark Side

I woke up with the pounding of the migraine, and the aversion to light.  

Frankly noise wasn't all that wonderful at that point either... but I could hear that "wonderful" wooshing sound in my head... and just over that a tone-like ringing in both ears... loud enough that I couldn't fall back asleep.

So i got up, and was confronted by R's crap all over the bathroom counter and an annoying sucky, purry cat determined to get fresh water from the tap. 

My shower punctuated the pain in my head as my scalp was screaming from both the water and my hands touching it.... so, a calming shower not exactly as desired...

Off to the kitchen for something to eat - breakfast is the most important meal of the day after all.  there sits the crockpot bowl - full of dirty greasy water from a meal I neither cooked nor ate, but left for me to clean nonetheless...and it irks me.  That meal was something that I won't eat because the protein involved makes me sad to my very core... I eat beef, chicken and on occasion, pork.  I have always eaten it, and am aware of the conditions in which they live and are raised - if i could afford organic, local, free range meat, I would buy it exclusively.... Actually, if i could be a healthy vegan, I would go that route. however, I have never eaten lamb - and don't want to...it makes me sad.  SO cleaning up the remains of that meal doesn't seem fair... and it added to the grumpiness.

I look around this house and am confronted with all the things I do not have the energy to accomplish, I see that pain that working to clean to my liking would cause.  and it makes me mad and sad.  

I am restricted by my desire not to make the pain worse.  I have been faced with the realisation that I don't have a life, and according to work and the insurance company I am not allowed to have one, or do anything to get better... its ridiculous and frustrating. And makes my grumpy.  

My dad had his first chemo yesterday, he is dying... and I can't be there, nor do I know what to say to him - about anything.  It weighs heavily on my heart.

So I today, I am grumpy.  I am at a loss for how to change this feeling in my heart.  I know its a choice, a choice to be happy, and change my thoughts within myself... Today is too hard.  Today it started from  the moment I woke up... everywhere I turn, its something else that rears that grumpy thought.  

Asking for help is not something I do often, or willingly.  Asking for a joke or a smile isn't asking for sympathy - its me, asking for a distraction, hearing from friends and family is the choice I make for todays happy - I can't call everyone, they have lives, jobs, families... but a moment to facebook is all I was looking for... a semi-continuous stream of smiles, that my friends and family think of me too... Its appreciated - even if it's silly and stupid. 

The grumpy is contagious.  The grumpy is easily spread.   Happy is easily spread too... and it has more power than grumpy.  Today that feels true.  

My grumpy needs to be buried in happy... I need help with that today.