Tuesday, February 03, 2015
Something is happening, I can't explain.
Today I have awakened with a horrible attitude "just leave me the fuck alone". I can't figure out where its coming from either.
Its been a tough week... a tough couple of weeks actually.
I am disappointed in my father for starting chemo again... I know he is hurting and scared, and that he might not be ready to go yet... but the chemo is worse than the cancer. I never thought he was a coward... and it hurts.
I have been refusing to clean up after Rob's children. to the point where I am not even making dinner. There is so much waste going on and its is driving me crazy. My mantra has become "this isn't my house, they aren't my kids, its not my problem." Not a day goes by without me saying it. And I haven't told Rob. In fact we aren't talking about anything right now. Barely any conversation. I am so terribly lonely.
My birthday is coming. And I feel like I have no one to celebrate with. I don't even want to "celebrate". I just want to do something. Anything.
I also feel like I have forgotten how to have fun. I really have no one to be silly with. L is so serious all the time, it can be very draining. And she's the only one here.
I miss Jan so much... it was so easy to just be around her... same interests, same booze, same movies/tv, shopping, sushi... she complements me, and I miss her.
L and I can talk for hours... about everything. Its easy. and she's so far.
I see Mel at work occasionally and it breaks my heart... every time. She chose to walk away from our friendship, it was her choice, but I am the one hurting. I don't know what's going on with her, if she's ok, if her husband is hurting her, I have no idea. And it pains me. And I see her at work and she looks right through me. I realize I don't like being invisible. I have been for so long. and she is choosing to pretend I don't exist. Unfortunately for her... I do.
I think of myself as a writer, but I don't write. I want to be crafty, but it requires concentration I just don't have right now. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to be inside. I want to be busy, but I binge watch tv. I am reading again, but the books are sad. I am truly bored and under stimulated. And I am lonely, but I don't go anywhere or call anyone, because I just don't want them to know. Is this my life, or just the season... right now.
Reading this, seeing it all written down, I now understand my mood. My mind is soup, and I can't deal with it right now.So that is why I say just fuck off and leave me the hell alone.
Its been a tough week... a tough couple of weeks actually.
I am disappointed in my father for starting chemo again... I know he is hurting and scared, and that he might not be ready to go yet... but the chemo is worse than the cancer. I never thought he was a coward... and it hurts.
I have been refusing to clean up after Rob's children. to the point where I am not even making dinner. There is so much waste going on and its is driving me crazy. My mantra has become "this isn't my house, they aren't my kids, its not my problem." Not a day goes by without me saying it. And I haven't told Rob. In fact we aren't talking about anything right now. Barely any conversation. I am so terribly lonely.
My birthday is coming. And I feel like I have no one to celebrate with. I don't even want to "celebrate". I just want to do something. Anything.
I also feel like I have forgotten how to have fun. I really have no one to be silly with. L is so serious all the time, it can be very draining. And she's the only one here.
I miss Jan so much... it was so easy to just be around her... same interests, same booze, same movies/tv, shopping, sushi... she complements me, and I miss her.
L and I can talk for hours... about everything. Its easy. and she's so far.
I see Mel at work occasionally and it breaks my heart... every time. She chose to walk away from our friendship, it was her choice, but I am the one hurting. I don't know what's going on with her, if she's ok, if her husband is hurting her, I have no idea. And it pains me. And I see her at work and she looks right through me. I realize I don't like being invisible. I have been for so long. and she is choosing to pretend I don't exist. Unfortunately for her... I do.
I think of myself as a writer, but I don't write. I want to be crafty, but it requires concentration I just don't have right now. I don't want to exercise, I don't want to be inside. I want to be busy, but I binge watch tv. I am reading again, but the books are sad. I am truly bored and under stimulated. And I am lonely, but I don't go anywhere or call anyone, because I just don't want them to know. Is this my life, or just the season... right now.
Reading this, seeing it all written down, I now understand my mood. My mind is soup, and I can't deal with it right now.So that is why I say just fuck off and leave me the hell alone.
Dragonfly 2/03/2015 10:16:00 AM