Monday, May 18, 2015
Invisible Monster
I really do feel like I am invisible. I know right now R is away with his kids camping - and wont be back until the 25th... so I have another week of being alone without contact. And it is painful. I am hurting in a way I can't truly describe.
He is away camping, and every year he goes on this trip, and every year I have sat at home, worked and waited for him to come home. His coming home means that I had his touch again, his hugs, his strength and his love. Noww when he comes home I have the "pleasure" of a text, maybe a phone call. And the knowledge that I am still going to bed alone every night. That I get to still be alone.
I don't want to be alone and miserable.
I guess if I wasn't miserable I wouldn't mind being alone.
It is all feelings, purely emotional.
Andd it all stems from my feeling abandoned; dumped in the corner and left to fend for myself.
I got a sense of accomplishment looking after them, knowing I had a role to play in their lives.
I was given a family, asked to be a part of it, and now its been taken away.
I always do best as a caregiver.
Now I have cats that are shedding horribly... really - what the hell how are they not bald!
And the only person I have to look after is myself, and its unfulfilling.
And I am alone.
Dragonfly 5/18/2015 10:55:00 AM