Monday, May 11, 2015
When Will This Not Suck
So... fancy that. This sucks.
First off I should be sleeping as I have a grave shift tonight and need to sleep. BUT of course, my mind is racing and I can't turn it off without resorting to medication. So, hurray to me for taking the writing road instead of the easy road.
That being sad... what the fuck!!
Its been 12 days since I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him, 12 days since I felt calm, 12 days since I felt like a person in a relationship that mattered.
Now I just don't feel lke I matter. I am still being ignored. I amm still an after thought. I am still devastated. and I am alone. The cats are great company... sometimes. But really I am just lonely.
I am even finding that I am not talking to my so-called friends.
J is always unavailable. Doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all. I admit that I am a complete downer... but I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT ANYMORE.
I just miss people. I have no idea how to act or talk about anything because all anyone wants to talk about is me... and I am not that interesting.
L hasn't spoken to me since I told her to stop telling me to break up with him and find someone else.
The person I need to find is me.
And Ly, is a beautiful soul, but... you know what, I have no idea. I feel like she is done. I just don't know what to do. And I am tired of coming to her, she needs to come to me. Luckily she is predictable, so I know whetre to find her.
Its a horrible feeling being lonely. Its horrible being alone.
R asked me what doesn't suck, and I still haven't come up with much.
I am the only one who dirties anything, but I am the only one who cleans anything either... well, the cats kick litter all over the place and there is cat toys all over the floor.
I don't have to worry about food not being there when I go to get it, but I also don't have the space to have a wide selection of stuff.
I am very addicted to junk right now, and feel like crap.
I am worried about people seeing me in NIagara Falls when they know I "live" in St. Catharines. SO I don't want to go anywhere.
Really everything that doesn't suck has a rebutal.
I am very embarrassed about this whole situation. I failed at parenting that boy, and I failed at keeping a relationship. I have failed at being healthy, and I have failed at love. I gave my heart to someone who begged for it, who asked, and who made promises, and now I am alone, abandoned, and broken... hoping he will remember I exist. In the meantime I am over-eating, and living a lie.
I am tired. But not getting restful, restorative slumber.
Dragonfly 5/11/2015 05:51:00 PM