Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Who Am I??
I came to the realization last night that I ahve no idea who I am... I don't know what I want out of life. I have no purpose, no drive, no dreams. I said to Phynix that I haven't been happy in my whole life. I have just merely existed and done what needs to be done... until I met R.
My realization is that he begged me to let him in, he asked me to move in, he wanted me to be a part of his family. And then I had a purpose, I had someone (more than one) to look after, something to full my days, some goals to achieve on a daily basis.
And now its gone... looking after myself doens't mean anything because I am no one. I don't matter.
I am the most boring person in the world. I live only to survive. I watch tv and read. I play games on my ipad and have no friends.
I always wanted a house full of people. People to look after and friends to entertain. People stopping in, the kids and their friends hanging out, me feeding an army every day... that seems like a pipe dream now. I have no one that is close by for that to happen...
I have always been an outsider, a loner, and an after-thought. Even my own family doesn't talk to me.
The people who have included me in their lives have done so, i thought, because they cared. They were making a choice to include me in their lives. And I remember telling them on multiple occasions that I was grateful for their friendship and their acceptance.
I have spent the better part of my adult life fighting illness. The bipolar that was diagnosed in 2002... 2 years after Becca died. That was a 10 year battle for my sanity, fought on my own. Then the migraine that won't fucking go away. I don't know what I would have done without R there to support me emotionally... he made me strong, he gave me a readon't o be strone, he gave me permission to be weak with the pain.
And who am I now...
A lonely sad girl, living in a house I can't afford, worried about money and work. Needing a second job.
I miss the family I don't know, the family I don't have. And missing the first and only man who i every willingly gave my heart to.
Dragonfly 5/26/2015 01:39:00 PM