Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wishes and Dreams
I know that you are hurting, I wish there was something more I could do.
I am sorry that I keep putting my foot in my mouth when it comes to you.
I wish it didn't have to be this way, I wish we could be a happy family.
You are the most amazing thing to happen to me since the birth of my children, I want to grow old with you.
I want to make this right, but I don't know how.
I know all of this is my fault, I could have set it right sooner, I'm sorry.
I miss you.
I love you.
I know there's more but these are the things on the top of my head that I want to hear from him. He's away camping right now with his brothers and nephews, and the kids... so my yearning is just that, a yearning.
I aalso have had a few fantasies/scenarios run through my brain... because it is working overtime.
The one where he shows up at my door with the kids, B apologizes and they ask me to move back with them. Upon telling the stories of their trip B's uncles and cousins have given him a hard time about being ungrateful and a bully, and set him straight. R has professed his love for me to the kids and they have mutually agreed to have me in their lives.
Theres also the one where B is having one of his classic temper tantrums, and goes after R... R fights back, and one or both of them falls, one gets hurt (sometimes its R, sometimes its B). they have to rush to the hospital and A calls me sobbing because someone is hurt (or B has hemoeraged and slipped into an irreversable coma). I have to rush up north to be there. And all returns to normal.
In the one wehre R gets hurt, R's brother defends him, and B gets charged with asault. When I get to the hospital I talk the police into putting B into the psych ward ona 72 hour hold... and he ends up getting the help he needs after an extended court-ordered stay.
What it comes down to is: I am full of sadness, loneliness and resentment. I feel like I am owed an apology, and I NEED him to talk to me. I need him to tell me what he really thinks, what he truly feels, and i need reassurance that this is just temporary, and he hates it as much as I do.
Or he couldl man up and tell me he is done.
But i know I will get nothing as long as he is away.
So I sit and wait.
Sad, lonely and brooding.
Dragonfly 5/21/2015 10:09:00 AM