Tales From the Dark Side

I know that my desperation is driving him away.

He came over yesterday, I sent him a text asking that if he wasn't in a rush home that he could come visit, and I was shocked and surprised when he pulled into the driveway. I honestly wasn't expecting him to come over, and when I saw him my heart jumped for joy. I fought the urge to jump up and run to him, I kept my emotions in check. He said hi, hugged me, said hi to the cat and  walked into the house... so I followed. I offered him my leftovers from dinner, he ate, I got hugs and my ass grabbed. And we talked, well, I talked, he listened and laughed. I babble so much when I am nervous.  I told him about the lawyer, and getting a non-separation agreement, and that I need to notify the work regarding the living arangements. He didn't say anything. I asked about the car insurance, if he was still going to pay it, he shrugged. I asked what that meant and he said "do you want me to keep paying it?" I told him that I "needed" him to pay it, if he doesn't I can't afford the car.

I now have an appointment with a lawyer on Thurday of next week...

I am getting an interim separation agreement. I need to change addressed on things, to stop living as if everything is ok.

I also need to stop being so desparate, so lost in my love that I am not seeing the big picture.

I don't want to see that: he doesn't answer texts, he doesn't say he loves me, he doesn't initiate conversations, he doesn't ask to see me, he isn't forthcoming with information.  He doesn't say he loves me... I get x's and o's. 

But my heart says he's mine, he's hurting. I want to make it better. I want to be with him, I want him in my life. I  don't know what to do, I don't know what the future holds. I have no fucking idea what is goin on in his head, or in his life. He won't tell me how he feels. I truly am alone, and I feel, I am afraid, I am alone in that love.