Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I'm Struggling
This struggle is pulling me into a place i don't want to know. Why do I have all these questions that I will NEVER get a true an honest answer.
He will never be honest about it.
I think i want to have my story vindicated... i need to know if my feelings were justified, that the dischord and unrest I have been feeling for months... for years... I want to know if he wanted me out and didn't say anything. I want to know the extent of his betrayal.
Maybe B was the only one capable of being honest (some of the time)- his screaming profanities and saying everyone hates me may be the only truth that I recieve from that family.
I mourn the loss of my family, the end of my dream, and the future I believed to be secure.
And that grief comes in waves, 100ft high every 10 seconds... and sometimes the storm lessens, the waves get smaller, further apart - but right now the storm is raging again. I want answers I will never get. It's like the man I knew is dead - incapable of answering anything - gone from this the earthly plane that I know, only to be remembered in the way I life I shared with him.
I am only a small part in his past. He begged me to be with him, and refused to talk about anything once I had reached my end of my usefullness.
So I sit here, day after day, dwelling on what was, and what could/should be... hooping I am wrong, that even now he loves me, wants me, misses me. That he will talk to me, share the truths that plague him, give me the peace that I crave,
Crying.
Wave after wave of fear, sadness, and unrequited love.
Crying.
And waiting for my love to return.
Dragonfly 8/26/2015 09:27:00 AM