Tales From the Dark Side

I also remember being confused, like I didn't know him at all... I would toil for hours - days, weeks even, about what to surprise him with for his birthday or Christmas... he is one of those guys that just buys it himself, he sees something and he buys it. 

I question, every day, if he truly wanted to be with me, and how long he wanted to tell me to get out. Everything I know if surrounded by those questions... well, he bought me this, did he love me then or was it just for show? He needed me when he had his surgery, did he love me then? I've had a migraine for 5 years, was he with me out of pity and obligation??

I know he will never answer those questions. He  came close once - he said he likes me, he loves me and he's attracted to me, but he's not in love with me. And yes, he was with me partly out of obligation. I will never get closer than that, no answers to the deeper questions. No rreal closer, no real knowledge.

Is it even worth it, why do i need to know the extent of his miss-love - is it so that I know that the malcontent in my heart wasn't just in my head - that it was an intuitive response to his emotions. I already know, by reading these scattered entry's and those in my beloved journal, that something was wrong... I have known for at least 2 years that there was trouble in paradise, I blamed myself - for the migraine, the depression, the not wanting sex, not wanting to go out or do anything, for not being interested in life... I blame the leave, the financial strain of not working, for the use of credit cards - even when the disability started coming in and the cards were paid off, I was worried about finances. And the work situation didn't help - wanting to work, but not being about to be a cashier anymore... I was worried all the time, I was walking on eggshells, I was quiet, adn reserved, I wasn't participating in anything... nothing was interesting anymore. Why would he be interested in me when I wasn't interested in life?

I need to keep reminding myself that this was all inevitable... I dreamed that it was forever, I was living in a dream world - and I was wrong when I believed that he felt the same way - because I don't ever remember him saying he would love me forever.

I made a choice - and I made it alone.