Monday, August 03, 2015
Reality: True or False
The truth of the matter... I am back to faking. I portray to those around me that I am ok, that I am better off without him, that I care about him, but I am not going to sit around and wait for him to come back. I say everything they want to hear.
They want me to be ok... and you know what?, I am ok. I work, I struggle, I worry about money, and I cry less, but I am a shell... empty of emotion, and exhausted. I am not sleeping, I don't want to go to bed... because that's where the dreams come, when I see him, and hold him, and he tells me all the things my heart wants to hear... those dreams, are more painful than my waking reality. Those dreams make it impossible for me to want to sleep, i don't know whisch derams it will be.. the dreams of the promise of love rekindles, apologies, and acceptance... or those of rejection, where he is lost to me, lost, or telling me all sorts of evil. Wakking up in tears, in anguish makes the thought of sleep daunting.
But I miss him. I hate the idea of being alone, I hate that I have to start over again, I hate that I had love, that I misread him, and that I allowed him to take more of myself than I intended. I hate that I still want it... the only reason I haven't gone running back to him is quite honestly that he hasn't come knocking. And I hate myself for those thoughts, for giving him the control.
I am having a harder and harder time fighting the reality of my anguish. I don't want to go to St. Catharines, I don't want to be where he, where we, lived. I don't want to go where his family frequented, restaurants, stores, events. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go to the grocery store, I want to eat, but don't want anything that is good for me. I don't want to spend money on things that I don't eat and just end up throwing out. The only things I consistantly eat is junk... and alcohol. I sleep best when I drink. This is becoming a problem. My reality is that I hate that I am alone. My reality is that I don't want to burden my friends - the few that actually speak to me... so I hide. And I tell then what they want to hear.
And I miss him. And I hate him. And I want him.
Because he wanted me first... and I can't let go.
Dragonfly 8/03/2015 04:25:00 PM