Tales From the Dark Side

I don't give in, I am just walking away....

Actually it's frustration and general "why won't it stop?" I just don't understand.

I keep dreaming about him. B, the kid, the abusive, self-centred, entitled teenager keeps invading my dreams. These dreams bring back all those feelings of loneliness, fear, anger, disbelief, abandonment and sadness that I have been fighting off... Waking up nervous... Again... Because of someone I haven't spoken too since May... MAY!!! So freaking long ago... And the child is still bullying me out of a solid, restorative sleep. I have a hard enough time getting to bed at a decent time, I hate going to bed alone, having no one to cuddle up to, hold hands with, cross feet with. I miss knowing that there was someone there beside me, that I was safe, that nightmares were consolable. Then to have these nightmares anyway once I do get to bed and sleep. It all comes full-circle, and it's basically due to the same thing. 

I'm clenching my jaw again, the anxiety is back. I am stressing about so many things in my day to day life. I worry that the crazy is leaking back in. And it frightens me.

So... Enough already! BEN you no longer have any power over me. You do not have permission to show up in my thoughts or dreams. Your negativity has infected me for so long...

Any thoughts of you must be immediately followed by your adorable crooked smile... That is the only thing about you I want to remember... Because you have the cutest smile.

So... Enough already.

Enough with the negative.

Enough with procrastinating going to bed.

Enough with the fear of being alone. 

Enough with self-doubt and self-pity.

Enough with clenching my jaw... (Ok, That one isn't truly voluntary)

Enough, enough ENOUGH!!!