Tales From the Dark Side

It was Bec's Birthday yesterday.
I really miss her.
And to "celebrate" my friend M and I went out for dinner.
She let me reminice about Bec. And afterwards, she came in and we played cards for a couple of hours.
Bec and I used to play Gin Rummy all the time, we would sit and play and chat all day. It was fantastic.
M will play with me too, and I thanked her for playing with me yesterday just because I felt like I was giving honour to Bec's memory. And the distraction was fun, I think it was a good way to honour her memory.

It was a mini celebration, and I know she was here with me... and I know she always will be.
She has a spirit that will never disappear.

I'm still sad today, I know it's because as good a night as I had it wasn't Bec and I mmiss her incredibly. She was very special to me and I miss her terribly.

Labels: Bec, love, memories

There are some things that make me question other peoples sanity over my own. I know I have moments where I lack proper judgement and morals, I understand that “some” of the decisions I make are made during times of emotional weakness and well… lack of … um … well, it’s cause of the bipolar - sometimes I just have no clue what the hell I am doing (until later) when I have to deal with the repercussions of my actions.
I suppose I should explain… and I will do so in story mode.
Once upon a time there was a princess. She had the most amazing prince in the land (according to her), a gorgeous castle and a dream job (she’s a modern day princess). One night, because her prince was busy fighting off the villagers and she was bored, she decided to go visit the dark prince from her ever exciting job. This dark prince and the princess soon started having an affair, leaving the amazing prince in the dark. After a year of playing with both princes the princess left the amazing prince and decided she was going to marry the dark prince.
It wasn’t long before the dark prince realized that the princess wasn’t all she was cracked up to be, and that once again she had gotten bored and wondered off to find another to play with. This stable boy became the new prince to be, and the princess claimed once again that she was going to marry this stable boy regardless of anyone’s objections.
Naturally the day came when the princess decided that she needed a change, she moved her castle (with help from her father the King) and she swapped in the stable boy for another prince. Apparently she had come to her senses.
This new prince, was the owner of some prime land in the country… he had a great job, independent, and a temperament that could sedate the princess. For some time they lived in joy and peace, the prince even moving into the princesses new castle. The princess had two jobs at this point, and was also attending school to improve her life… she was always looking for perfection. Even with her busy schedule she was disappointed if her prince would not drop everything to be with her. Both the prince and princess were very busy and the prince would do everything to keep her happy.
But soon enough the princess found someone who would spend time with her. It happened to be the princes best friend. The affair continued for a few months before the prince discovered that once again the princess had been unfaithful to another prince. Yet again, the prince was tossed out of the home he had helped make perfect for the princess, once again she had betrayed someone else. And once again she felt no remorse. She called the friends of the prince and questioned his morals, meanwhile these friends had chosen to desert both the best friend and the princess.
And they lived happily ever after - that is until the princess gets bored again!
There are a few things I don’t understand about this story…
1. Why do the princes keep falling for the princesses games? I mean, obviously the history will dictate future behaviour. But you would think they would get the hint…
2. What has happened in the princesses life that gives her rights to destroying all the princes in the land?
3. Are there any real princes out there?
4. What happened to morals?
5. Is she only prince-jumping for the benefits that each prince has… a mechanic, money, home-repair skills?
As I sit here and contemplate the story I heard and retold today, I feel sorry for the princess. It must be a lonely life she has.
At the same time I look at the things I have done in my life. I know I haven’t ruined a marriage, or betrayed someone I love, but I have made some bad decisions. I know I am not a perfect, and moral person, but I hope that I have the ability to differentiate between “fucking” with people and making a bad choice.

Labels: affairs, fairy tales, relationships

It's fascinating what you will and won't do when you are sick.
I spent yesterday trying to maintain consciousness for an hour but failing miserably.
Hell... I slept all night - and am still tired, but at least my stomach seems better today.
Now comes the fun part - catching up on all the crap I should have gotten done yesterday, because I did nothing.
I have weird dreams when I am sick - OK I have weird dreams all the time, but the ones when I am sick are just a little more realistic and a little more... confusing.
I dream of my family and holidays, or the future (my husband) and the house I will live in - which surprisingly enough looks like my childhood house.
I also dream I have a cat.
That's my favourite, cause in my dreams I'm not allergic.

well the longer I sit here the less I will get done.. so I gotta go
but I'll probably be back.. after a nap.

I feel like I have been emotionally raped. And I’m still in shock. I mean I went to the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) specialist this morning for an assessment, basically to see whether or not I am a good candidate for this type of therapy. The questions were simple enough, based on the symptoms of anxiety, when my last major attack was, how I feel about specific things, my fears and worries, some thought patterns…
These are all things that I try not to think about. I acknowledge them when they are happening, but I don’t really think about them. Especially not at the same time, within the same hour and on the same day. I was vulnerable already this morning, walking into that appointment, but the first set of paperwork that I had to fill out made me feel vulnerable immediately… and it just got worse from there. The hardest hour I have spent since leaving work in November… and that includes Christmas.
Today is the day after an appointment with my psychiatrist in which she increased every medication I take. The feeling of vulnerability hasn’t quite gotten over that bruised ego yet, then this morning… I just want to curl up and sleep all day… forget that I even got out of bed at all.
It just doesn’t feel like I am ever going to be … um… fantastic.
I am stuck at fine.
F - freaked out
I - insecure
N - neurotic
E - emotional
(Guess that movie reference)