Sunday, January 20, 2008
Becca's 34th Birthday!
Today is the worst day I have had in the 7 years since she died.
HELL... seven years - or is it 8, she died May 1, 2000.
I am crying so hard there are tears pooling on the keyboard. The sadness is overwhelming. I doubt sleep would help at this point.
I keep feeling it in my chest. The loneliness, the sorrow the emptiness that her mere presence brought to my life. I have been on the anti-depressants for so long I haven't felt the depth of this until now. That 3 week period without those medications happens to fall on her 34th birthday.
and that means in 3 weeks it will be my 34th birthday and it just doesn't seem fair. it's not fair to her, to Robyn, to Kent, to the whole family.
And she was suck an inspiration never blaming God for any of the tests he put her through. She saw life as a gift, everyday, she saw hr daughter as the angel she is. She gave me strength, when I thought I had none. I remember being so inspired by her and when she was in her worst pain she was still optimistic and full of life.
I have yet to find someone who even comes close to that level of specialness, that air of humility, that positive light.
I keep crying, those tears that keep coming and the the pain grows. I am at a total loss as to how to calm down, should I take an anti anxiety pill or 2, should I call and have myself admitted to the psych ward. I just want it to all stop. For now. I need to stop crying. I want to stop the pain. I just want to remember how great a friend she was and the silly plans we made for the rest of our lives. Now I have no one to do that with. and everything has changed for me.
I just wanted to grow old with her, like we planned.
HELL... seven years - or is it 8, she died May 1, 2000.
I am crying so hard there are tears pooling on the keyboard. The sadness is overwhelming. I doubt sleep would help at this point.
I keep feeling it in my chest. The loneliness, the sorrow the emptiness that her mere presence brought to my life. I have been on the anti-depressants for so long I haven't felt the depth of this until now. That 3 week period without those medications happens to fall on her 34th birthday.
and that means in 3 weeks it will be my 34th birthday and it just doesn't seem fair. it's not fair to her, to Robyn, to Kent, to the whole family.
And she was suck an inspiration never blaming God for any of the tests he put her through. She saw life as a gift, everyday, she saw hr daughter as the angel she is. She gave me strength, when I thought I had none. I remember being so inspired by her and when she was in her worst pain she was still optimistic and full of life.
I have yet to find someone who even comes close to that level of specialness, that air of humility, that positive light.
I keep crying, those tears that keep coming and the the pain grows. I am at a total loss as to how to calm down, should I take an anti anxiety pill or 2, should I call and have myself admitted to the psych ward. I just want it to all stop. For now. I need to stop crying. I want to stop the pain. I just want to remember how great a friend she was and the silly plans we made for the rest of our lives. Now I have no one to do that with. and everything has changed for me.
I just wanted to grow old with her, like we planned.
Labels: Bec, medication., mood, sorrow
Dragonfly 1/20/2008 06:53:00 PM
1 Comments:
my friend. my heart is saddened. I know you miss her... but i also know that she doesn't want you to be so sad. Draw from that strength that she showed you.. that inspired you... that power is still there... because she is still with you and always will be. You know that.
love you
hugs
FF
love you
hugs
FF
