Tales From the Dark Side

Today is the worst day I have had in the 7 years since she died.
HELL... seven years - or is it 8, she died May 1, 2000.

I am crying so hard there are tears pooling on the keyboard. The sadness is overwhelming. I doubt sleep would help at this point.
I keep feeling it in my chest. The loneliness, the sorrow the emptiness that her mere presence brought to my life. I have been on the anti-depressants for so long I haven't felt the depth of this until now. That 3 week period without those medications happens to fall on her 34th birthday.
and that means in 3 weeks it will be my 34th birthday and it just doesn't seem fair. it's not fair to her, to Robyn, to Kent, to the whole family.
And she was suck an inspiration never blaming God for any of the tests he put her through. She saw life as a gift, everyday, she saw hr daughter as the angel she is. She gave me strength, when I thought I had none. I remember being so inspired by her and when she was in her worst pain she was still optimistic and full of life.

I have yet to find someone who even comes close to that level of specialness, that air of humility, that positive light.

I keep crying, those tears that keep coming and the the pain grows. I am at a total loss as to how to calm down, should I take an anti anxiety pill or 2, should I call and have myself admitted to the psych ward. I just want it to all stop. For now. I need to stop crying. I want to stop the pain. I just want to remember how great a friend she was and the silly plans we made for the rest of our lives. Now I have no one to do that with. and everything has changed for me.

I just wanted to grow old with her, like we planned.

Labels: Bec, medication., mood, sorrow

Seven years.
I can’t believe it has been seven years.
And it still hurts.

The search for friendship is a hard one - but ours came so naturally. We considered ourselves soul mates, and shared everything.
Her illness was the most devastating thing I can imagine - she was so beautiful and her daughter so young. It was a tragedy of a Shakespearean kind. (without the genocide, or matricide - there was incest though - but that’s a whole other story.)

We met as kids - and didn’t like each other, as adults we had the same thoughts, feelings and goals, and the friendship / connection was instantaneous.
But then they discovered the cancer, not even 3 years after our friendship began for real. Our dreams of having houses side by side, and her having the babies and my raising them seemed so silly and immature. Her future wasn’t even guaranteed. She fought a good fight, she taught me so much about life and what it means to live it - Lessons that everyone should know or remember.
She made some mistakes but she was so proud of herself for trying.

I miss her smile, I miss her unwavering love, and I miss her friendship. I am still in mourning seven years later.

Of course, I have other friends, all of whom have their own lives and their own problems and I love them all dearly. If I had to go to the funeral of one of those friends I think it would be the death of all that is me too. I feel the pain of losing her as much today as I did then. The tears come, my heart aches and I wish she was with me - to just sit… listen to music and have a gin rummy marathon. Those were the best days. Those are the days I remember most - the comfort we gave each other without having to make an effort. Just being there was enough.

There is a part of me that wants to be in her world now - helping the lost kids, a full blown angel - a psychic told us that is what she was doing now…
A part wishes I had the strength to keep my promises to her, the promises for her daughter, but she has chosen a path that I feel I cannot save her from.
There is no guilt, just sorrow amidst a world filled with so much joy.
I don’t wish to join her - I wish to take her place.
Her daughter needs her.

Labels: Bec, remembering, sorrow