Monday, April 30, 2007
A day for Remembering
Seven years.
I can’t believe it has been seven years.
And it still hurts.
The search for friendship is a hard one - but ours came so naturally. We considered ourselves soul mates, and shared everything.
Her illness was the most devastating thing I can imagine - she was so beautiful and her daughter so young. It was a tragedy of a Shakespearean kind. (without the genocide, or matricide - there was incest though - but that’s a whole other story.)
We met as kids - and didn’t like each other, as adults we had the same thoughts, feelings and goals, and the friendship / connection was instantaneous.
But then they discovered the cancer, not even 3 years after our friendship began for real. Our dreams of having houses side by side, and her having the babies and my raising them seemed so silly and immature. Her future wasn’t even guaranteed. She fought a good fight, she taught me so much about life and what it means to live it - Lessons that everyone should know or remember.
She made some mistakes but she was so proud of herself for trying.
I miss her smile, I miss her unwavering love, and I miss her friendship. I am still in mourning seven years later.
Of course, I have other friends, all of whom have their own lives and their own problems and I love them all dearly. If I had to go to the funeral of one of those friends I think it would be the death of all that is me too. I feel the pain of losing her as much today as I did then. The tears come, my heart aches and I wish she was with me - to just sit… listen to music and have a gin rummy marathon. Those were the best days. Those are the days I remember most - the comfort we gave each other without having to make an effort. Just being there was enough.
There is a part of me that wants to be in her world now - helping the lost kids, a full blown angel - a psychic told us that is what she was doing now…
A part wishes I had the strength to keep my promises to her, the promises for her daughter, but she has chosen a path that I feel I cannot save her from.
There is no guilt, just sorrow amidst a world filled with so much joy.
I don’t wish to join her - I wish to take her place.
Her daughter needs her.
I can’t believe it has been seven years.
And it still hurts.
The search for friendship is a hard one - but ours came so naturally. We considered ourselves soul mates, and shared everything.
Her illness was the most devastating thing I can imagine - she was so beautiful and her daughter so young. It was a tragedy of a Shakespearean kind. (without the genocide, or matricide - there was incest though - but that’s a whole other story.)
We met as kids - and didn’t like each other, as adults we had the same thoughts, feelings and goals, and the friendship / connection was instantaneous.
But then they discovered the cancer, not even 3 years after our friendship began for real. Our dreams of having houses side by side, and her having the babies and my raising them seemed so silly and immature. Her future wasn’t even guaranteed. She fought a good fight, she taught me so much about life and what it means to live it - Lessons that everyone should know or remember.
She made some mistakes but she was so proud of herself for trying.
I miss her smile, I miss her unwavering love, and I miss her friendship. I am still in mourning seven years later.
Of course, I have other friends, all of whom have their own lives and their own problems and I love them all dearly. If I had to go to the funeral of one of those friends I think it would be the death of all that is me too. I feel the pain of losing her as much today as I did then. The tears come, my heart aches and I wish she was with me - to just sit… listen to music and have a gin rummy marathon. Those were the best days. Those are the days I remember most - the comfort we gave each other without having to make an effort. Just being there was enough.
There is a part of me that wants to be in her world now - helping the lost kids, a full blown angel - a psychic told us that is what she was doing now…
A part wishes I had the strength to keep my promises to her, the promises for her daughter, but she has chosen a path that I feel I cannot save her from.
There is no guilt, just sorrow amidst a world filled with so much joy.
I don’t wish to join her - I wish to take her place.
Her daughter needs her.
Labels: Bec, remembering, sorrow
Dragonfly 4/30/2007 09:05:00 AM
| 2 people trying to cheer me up
| 